Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 20:48     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are getting way ahead of yourself. You’ve been with someone for 6 months and are mentioning living together. That would be a dealbreaker if I were the guy. Besides, you have NO business living with someone if you have a kid. None whatsoever. Your lack of maturity should be another dealbreaker for this guy.


There's no lack of maturity on OP's part. You sound really off.


Anyone who is talking about wanting to live with a guy when she has a young kid is only thinking of herself. She says right on her post that she’ll get tired of going back and forth between houses. Not putting the needs of her kid first is immature.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 20:21     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hello,

I think my title is vague but I’ll explain.
I have been seeing someone for 6 months. I have an elementary school age kid and I am divorced. He has never had a real committed, relationship and has clearly expressed he now wants one with me. He’s told me he loves me and most things about him are great. We have chemistry, and have a whole lot in common. He’s really good to me, always cooks for me, gives me wonderful advice. He’s also super open to meeting my child and we’re talking about doing that next month. Lately, I have been asking him what are his goals in the long term. I asked if things continued to be great between us, would he want to live together in a year or so. I explained that after a couple of years of dating someone, I’d want/ expect to live together. He didn’t seem to like the idea. He went on talking about examples he’s heard from friends or clients who think cohabitation is a bad idea, etc... the whole convo was a bummer. He can be pretty pessimistic, so I am not surprised that was his response.
I said that after a couple of years, I don’t see myself continuing with packing bags, driving to his place, as I do now and doing sleepovers
I have been thinking about this and wonder if that is a deal breaker. Would that be for you? Should I hold off on having him meet my child?
Thank you for your advice!


Lady, get your priorities straight! You have a kid and want to cohabitate with a man you are not married to? Stop thinking about your vagina and consider what is best for your kid.


+1.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 19:53     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:Hello,

I think my title is vague but I’ll explain.
I have been seeing someone for 6 months. I have an elementary school age kid and I am divorced. He has never had a real committed, relationship and has clearly expressed he now wants one with me. He’s told me he loves me and most things about him are great. We have chemistry, and have a whole lot in common. He’s really good to me, always cooks for me, gives me wonderful advice. He’s also super open to meeting my child and we’re talking about doing that next month. Lately, I have been asking him what are his goals in the long term. I asked if things continued to be great between us, would he want to live together in a year or so. I explained that after a couple of years of dating someone, I’d want/ expect to live together. He didn’t seem to like the idea. He went on talking about examples he’s heard from friends or clients who think cohabitation is a bad idea, etc... the whole convo was a bummer. He can be pretty pessimistic, so I am not surprised that was his response.
I said that after a couple of years, I don’t see myself continuing with packing bags, driving to his place, as I do now and doing sleepovers
I have been thinking about this and wonder if that is a deal breaker. Would that be for you? Should I hold off on having him meet my child?
Thank you for your advice!


Lady, get your priorities straight! You have a kid and want to cohabitate with a man you are not married to? Stop thinking about your vagina and consider what is best for your kid.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 19:38     Subject: Re:Is that a deal breaker?
There are a lot of questions. Why isn't your relationship considered "serious" now? When he says that he wants a "serious" relationship, what does he mean? Does he mean "exclusive," which would meant that it's not now? Or does he mean that you should see each other more often? In any event, I agree with other posters that you should not introduce him to your kid until you have both a better idea of what he means and have a sense that he will be in your life for a while. It may be the case that he doesn't really know what he does and does not want, having not been in a serious relationship before. It's fine for you and him to experiment with that, but I would advise you not to introduce your kid to him until that experimentation is done.

Signed -- a single dad that did not introduce my son to my (now) fiancé until we had dated a year and it was clear that our relationship was serious, even though we weren't living together yet. (That was 18 months ago. Now that we're engaged, we have plans to live together.)
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 17:02     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are getting way ahead of yourself. You’ve been with someone for 6 months and are mentioning living together. That would be a dealbreaker if I were the guy. Besides, you have NO business living with someone if you have a kid. None whatsoever. Your lack of maturity should be another dealbreaker for this guy.


There's no lack of maturity on OP's part. You sound really off.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 14:16     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:The not wanting to live together would not bother me. An aversion to marriage (eventually) would bother me. The two are different.


Plus she has a child to think about. OP needs to find out if he's wanting a long term relationship leading to marriage. Forget living together. If he is on the same page they can continue to date. After a year or 1.5 and nothings changed it's time to move on.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 14:11     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The long term plan with a child involved should be marriage. Run quick. He's never going to marry you.


Is this true? I have no interest in ever getting remarried but I’m happy to date guys with kids, even young kids (mine are older). I don’t see how someone having kids equals their desire to remarry.


Not true at all PP. most men who have been married before do not want to be married again.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 13:46     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:The long term plan with a child involved should be marriage. Run quick. He's never going to marry you.


Is this true? I have no interest in ever getting remarried but I’m happy to date guys with kids, even young kids (mine are older). I don’t see how someone having kids equals their desire to remarry.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 12:25     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:He may not believe in living together before marriage, but he may believe in marriage. See if you can get him to clarify a bit more on his cohabitation stance.


Agree. I never believed in living together and I never did it before I got married
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 11:42     Subject: Re:Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I’m certainly not trying to do any of it now. Trying to figure out if we eventually want the same kind of relationship. And I am not worried about getting remarried. I just know that I’d like to one day live with a partner. To answer someone else, he’s in his late 30’s and has been very open about not being interested in a serious relationship before. He wants to try now.
But, thanks again for the responses!


So if the relationship is working now, keep trying together. His feelings on living together may completely change as your relationship evolves. He may think he wants one thing one way now but he has no real life experience to base it on.

If you're both willing to say hey, this is what I want now but I'm open to the idea that may change, just keep going.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 10:28     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
The not wanting to live together would not bother me. An aversion to marriage (eventually) would bother me. The two are different.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 10:05     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
sounds like you need to have additional talks about the relationship. the fact he hasn't had a serious relationship is concerning, perhaps an alarming red flag. If it were me, I would not introduce him to your kid, yet, until you have clarity and common sense of the relationship trajectory.

- single dad
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 09:08     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s just me, but the fact that he’s only now interested in a serious relationship, and he’s in his late 30s...that suggests some issues that might be a barrier to the kind of relationship you are hoping for. Of course I could be totally wrong, but it would definitely make me cautious.


Oops! Sorry for double post
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 09:07     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s just me, but the fact that he’s only now interested in a serious relationship, and he’s in his late 30s...that suggests some issues that might be a barrier to the kind of relationship you are hoping for. Of course I could be totally wrong, but it would definitely make me cautious.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2019 08:11     Subject: Is that a deal breaker?
Maybe it’s just me, but the fact that he’s only now interested in a serious relationship, and he’s in his late 30s...that suggests some issues that might be a barrier to the kind of relationship you are hoping for. Of course I could be totally wrong, but it would definitely make me cautious.