All we see / hear is one person's perception of another person's bad moment. It is really hard to get any kind of accurate assessment of a marriage on here. It is one sided and a tiny snippet of a complex relationship.

Occasionally it is clear. If there is violence - that is a no brainer.

But outside of that there is such a complex interplay of personalities, dynamics, histories, perceptions, communication styles, etc that most of what we say is meaningless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, some of us are old enough to remember when most women were trapped in marriage. With no education, no job, and so much social pressure to stay. In my mother’s generation, it was almost impossible for women to own property by themselves. That often meant being trapped with an adulterous husband, a drunk, a man who couldn’t hold a job, a man who abused her, or a man who abused the kids.

Divorce is the path to freedom from these hells that most women have had to put up with for most of human history.

So it’s a valid option to save your own life. I’m not saying jump to divorce. But you gotta know this is one of the best tools out there for women. And it hasn’t always existed. Many countries still don’t allow divorce. You are still basically your husband’s property.

Where did your mother live where it was impossible to own property one generation ago? Even my husband's illiterate Saudi mom owns property.

Laurel MD. I said almost impossible. If a man didn’t co-sign a loan or if she couldn’t buy it outright, it wasn’t going to happen. The bank wouldn’t consider her income when they bought a house in 1968. She might get pregnant and quit. She didn’t get credit in her own name til the mid 70s. After a federal law was passed in 74. I remember her tearing up when she used her first credit card.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clearly have not read every thread because many of them suggest counseling.

This

+1.

I can only speak for myself that I have strong feelings about “staying together for the sake of the kids without actually trying to do the work to improve the marriage”. If you both want to stay married, work on the marriage, get counseling, read self-help books something. Fix things before they become a bigger issue. If only one person wants to stay married, I’m not going to tell the person to be a martyr and give up everything to stay married to someone that doesn’t want to be married to you and treats you like crap. Having a mom that was the martyr and still ended up being served divorce papers and having to move out the house when dad’s girlfriend insisted they get married and another family member with a husband that has multiple kids with different woman while married has informed my feelings.

No one talks about the bad divorces. Where finances are shattered, and the step parents emotionally or physically abuse the kids. Or when the kid actually like the step mother batter and want nothing to do with their own mother. Think folks, think.
Loved that movie Boyhood.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with you.
No one ever thinks about the downside to divorce.

Yes, it is widely discussed.

Anonymous wrote:You clearly have not read every thread because many of them suggest counseling.

This

OP, I agree with you.
No one ever thinks about the downside to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Because 50% of marriages end in divorce

The most misunderstood statistic of all. Divorce rates are extremely dependent on age at first marriage and education level (which have a relatively strong correlation). For the DCUM demographic the rate is maybe 25% tops.

With kids, of course it’s not as simple as just “divorce.” However, even WITH kids, everyone has a right to be happy. I don’t agree with being a complete martyr and sacrificing a good happy life just because you pumped a baby out of your vagina. I don’t comprehend why so many people refuse to allow themselves to be happy. No life is going to be perfect and there’s no way to predict if staying in a miserable marriage will have a better or worse effect on your kids.

If you’re not married and you gave it a shot, and really tried, then you REALLY should move on. I’ve been there. No human deserves to lay in bed at night thinking “50 more years of this?” Divorce was scary to me but years later I am a happier person, going out on my own and figuring out my new normal with housing and finances was scary, but I did it, and in the end I’m happier because it made me a stronger person and I am not afraid to stand up for myself anymore.

Sure, everyone should try. Get counseling first. Talk it out. Separate for awhile. But don’t count out a happy life for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are too quick to suggest open marriage which is probably 99% never an option. People act like its common or that there is a world of hot people willing to have sex with their "open" marriage self. Yeah right.

It is estimated that 20% of marriages are sexless. So at least that number would be open marriage. Normal libido people always find wiling partners. Always.

where? Online? I am married but know plenty of single people who would never have sex with someone in an open marriage. Too much drama. So I guess you have to find people in other open marriages? Not sure I want to leave one dad bod, for another dad bod...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, some of us are old enough to remember when most women were trapped in marriage. With no education, no job, and so much social pressure to stay. In my mother’s generation, it was almost impossible for women to own property by themselves. That often meant being trapped with an adulterous husband, a drunk, a man who couldn’t hold a job, a man who abused her, or a man who abused the kids.

Divorce is the path to freedom from these hells that most women have had to put up with for most of human history.

So it’s a valid option to save your own life. I’m not saying jump to divorce. But you gotta know this is one of the best tools out there for women. And it hasn’t always existed. Many countries still don’t allow divorce. You are still basically your husband’s property.

Where did your mother live where it was impossible to own property one generation ago? Even my husband's illiterate Saudi mom owns property.

Washington, DC. Especially for African Americans.

It's kind of like how lousy writers just kill off characters when they get inconvenient.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people are too quick to suggest open marriage which is probably 99% never an option. People act like its common or that there is a world of hot people willing to have sex with their "open" marriage self. Yeah right.

It is estimated that 20% of marriages are sexless. So at least that number would be open marriage. Normal libido people always find wiling partners. Always.

Anonymous wrote:Well, some of us are old enough to remember when most women were trapped in marriage. With no education, no job, and so much social pressure to stay. In my mother’s generation, it was almost impossible for women to own property by themselves. That often meant being trapped with an adulterous husband, a drunk, a man who couldn’t hold a job, a man who abused her, or a man who abused the kids.

Divorce is the path to freedom from these hells that most women have had to put up with for most of human history.

So it’s a valid option to save your own life. I’m not saying jump to divorce. But you gotta know this is one of the best tools out there for women. And it hasn’t always existed. Many countries still don’t allow divorce. You are still basically your husband’s property.

Where did your mother live where it was impossible to own property one generation ago? Even my husband's illiterate Saudi mom owns property.

Because a lot of the situations people post about are seriously messed up and it’s the logical response. Also because it’s a running joke on this site that people always suggest divorce, so if someone posts that their spouse chews loudly someone will jokingly say they should get a divorce.