Anonymous wrote:It’s possible that the older women you know have undiagnosed anxiety and/or depression issues. Years ago, people did not get diagnosed or treated for issues that are handled in a much more routine way today. So maybe these women have mental health issues that they were never in a position to have addressed.

Also, I’m not sure what age you are considering “older,” but women in their 70s and 80s may be beginning to experience the mental effects of aging. In general, our society tends to be less forgiving and tolerant of older women than of older men, which can also affect a person’s reactions to whatever symptoms they may be experiencing.

+1

Yes to both of the above.

Anonymous wrote:I certainly don't think all women say over 70 are like this, but I do think some are. In some cases it is tradition-they were treated terribly and now they have the power and repeat the pattern. I thought the movie "Crazy Rich Asians" showed this well and it applies to a number of families regardless of culture. The potential MIL seemed so cruel and then you got a glimpse of how her own MIL treated her and suddenly I felt bad for her.

I think often unhappy people do miserable things. I don't know many happy people who are cruel and nasty.

x100000

Nailed it. Bitter, intolerant, self centered woman get worse as they get old. Multiply that many times, if they perceive they were slighted or shortchanged in some way. I know women of a certain age who definitely feel like they were slighted during their younger years (spouse wasn't there, no one valued their opinion, etc.) -and BOY it shows in their later years. Loud and clear! I don't think a younger, livelier woman coming into the picture helps AT ALL - hence all the MIL/DIL threads.

It’s possible that the older women you know have undiagnosed anxiety and/or depression issues. Years ago, people did not get diagnosed or treated for issues that are handled in a much more routine way today. So maybe these women have mental health issues that they were never in a position to have addressed.

Also, I’m not sure what age you are considering “older,” but women in their 70s and 80s may be beginning to experience the mental effects of aging. In general, our society tends to be less forgiving and tolerant of older women than of older men, which can also affect a person’s reactions to whatever symptoms they may be experiencing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My theory is that since society values women more for looks than brains, then these women got plenty of attention in their 20s, and saw it dwindle over time. Now they manufacture drama to get attention.

Meanwhile older men seem to do the opposite -- check out and avoid drama as much as possible.. Oblivious to it all.

Of course, these are sweeping generalizations..

Uh yeah. Not all of us got lots of attention for looks in our 20s.

Hence "sweeping generaliations" but I'm sure a lot higher % of women in their 20s get attention for their looks than women in their 60s!

Anonymous wrote:I am 35 yo and my MIL (who was nice) died years ago, but I have a lot of empathy for the MILs discussed in this forum. Many of the complaints seem to be coming from really intolerant DILs who don't want to deal with anyone who makes any demands on their time or patience. It really baffles me.

I'm totally with you. I'm 54 and I have the same perspective about many of the comments. It just doesn't resonate with what I see for the MILs. But it certainly does jive with the behaviors I see in some young women these days both at work and out in the world. Not all young women but definitely some. I think DCUM and this forum in particular gets a lot of them so they band together like a wolf pack and attack. I don't believe that their problems and philosophies are representative of entire generations. I feel very sorry for their MILs and moms though.

I think it must be a generational thing. Many of the late-baby boomer women I have known (who are now my 55+ year old MIL, friends mothers and MILs, bosses, etc.) are completely manipulative, status obsessed, entitled and wouldn't think twice about screaming at someone to 'see the manager' over an expired $4 coupon.

My MIL has only become more demanding and manipulative as she has gotten older. But I think it has more to do with her living in a giant mansion with FIL (they barely speak to each other), so I think she's just very very lonely and doesn't know how to express herself well. So she had lots of time to think and blame everyone else, and call us with her unreasonable demands, which just drives us further and further away.

Anonymous wrote:My theory is that since society values women more for looks than brains, then these women got plenty of attention in their 20s, and saw it dwindle over time. Now they manufacture drama to get attention.

Meanwhile older men seem to do the opposite -- check out and avoid drama as much as possible.. Oblivious to it all.

Of course, these are sweeping generalizations..

Uh yeah. Not all of us got lots of attention for looks in our 20s.

Anonymous wrote: Quite a blanket statement. I’m a woman nearing 60 and I don’t do any of that. Maybe it’s just the older women in your life.

Yeah, OP, maybe this says more about your family than it says about us older women.

My MIL makes a big deal about getting the kids Christmas and birthday presents. She doesn't want to bother to go get them so she always pressures me to get one for her and she'll pay me back. I've tried suggesting Amazon but no go. I've said no gifts are needed. No go. She's picky and wants to be the one to give one of the bigger gifts. She never once has paid us back for the gifts that she "gives" but she makes a huge deal on the phone with the kid about the gift she got them. This year I only gave her the option of just sending a nice card or giving one of the kids lessons for something the kid wants. She went for the lessons (and never paid us back). She is upset that the kid hasn't started the lessons yet. She has plenty of money and isn't cheap but she just makes this whole gift thing ridiculous. I'm ignoring her right now because I'm not going to race out and start the lessons for a fake gift.

Anonymous wrote:Older women worry less about being "nice" so they are more direct and no BS than younger women. Kind of like men. But people hate women for it.

Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!

Anonymous wrote:

You get the DIL’s perspective on dcum. It goes both ways.

Umm.... no any of the examples posted can easily be categorized as over stepping boundaries, controlling, or manipulative. Does matter whether you are DIL or random observer. You could be a squirrel and see this.

I've yet to see any example of younger women being manipulative, over stepping the boundaries or being manipulative with their older relatives.

You need to watch a few episodes of the Bachelor. The women are non stop manipulative.

And yes in real life - read the petty stuff people post about work relationships, friend relationships, SILs, etc. It might be a woman thing but it's not exclusive to older women at all.

They did most of the childcare so they’re sleep deprived and haven’t been able to articulate a coherent thoughts without interruption in decades. It has consequences.

Also they never gave themselves permission to pursue what they wanted, instead sacrificing, being martyrs, trying to control/manipulate others, and put down others who were able to pursue what makes them happy.

Do you think that there is some trigger that somehow transforms innocent angels into controlling, manipulative monsters once they acquire daughters in law? No.

Well I think its pretty likely that you are an older woman who behaves this way. So was this always the way you behaved or did it come on suddenly?

I certainly don't think all women say over 70 are like this, but I do think some are. In some cases it is tradition-they were treated terribly and now they have the power and repeat the pattern. I thought the movie "Crazy Rich Asians" showed this well and it applies to a number of families regardless of culture. The potential MIL seemed so cruel and then you got a glimpse of how her own MIL treated her and suddenly I felt bad for her.

I think often unhappy people do miserable things. I don't know many happy people who are cruel and nasty.

Anonymous wrote:

You get the DIL’s perspective on dcum. It goes both ways.

Umm.... no any of the examples posted can easily be categorized as over stepping boundaries, controlling, or manipulative. Does matter whether you are DIL or random observer. You could be a squirrel and see this.

I've yet to see any example of younger women being manipulative, over stepping the boundaries or being manipulative with their older relatives.

Which circles back to the fact that dcum is populated by young(ish) women who are going to complain about their MILs, etc., and not out themselves.

Do you think that there is some trigger that somehow transforms innocent angels into controlling, manipulative monsters once they acquire daughters in law? No.