Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

That’s actually much worse, OP. Can you not see that?

It’s a million times worse.

I can say as a grown adult that I’d want absolutely nothing to do with you and your kids for many years to come, even if I was stuck living under the same roof as you.

Anonymous wrote:

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.

So, you and your husband have decided to "prioritize your marriage" over your kids, and you have five kids between you, all of whom have recently watched their parents divorce?

Holy crap.

Anonymous wrote:

Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?

It doesn't make sense for me to be the one to change. My ex lives almost 45 minutes away, so the logistics of working out new schedules for my kids is much more difficult. I already had to move to my DH's neighborhood because his ex refused to allow his kids to switch schools, which I was willing to do since my oldest hadn't yet started school.

Wow.

Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?

It doesn't make sense for me to be the one to change. My ex lives almost 45 minutes away, so the logistics of working out new schedules for my kids is much more difficult. I already had to move to my DH's neighborhood because his ex refused to allow his kids to switch schools, which I was willing to do since my oldest hadn't yet started school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

That’s actually much worse, OP. Can you not see that?

Oh my. If you’ve been to birthday party and they’ve been playing with your kids for years that means either you were good friends with their mom, good friends with the dad or related to the mom. With them just finishing a year of therapy post divorce than means there was no time between divorce and remarriage. I’m also doubting you started dating once the divorce was final. Then throw on a custody schedule where you get one week without any kids and they share their father’s time with 3 other kids and step mom (so maybe 50% or the 50%) - Yikes.

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

Not the PP you're responding to. New poster.

The fact they already knew you doesn't necessarily mean his kids will be more comfortable with your new role in their lives than if you were a stranger. You seem to feel that should be the case--they know you and your kids so this should be easier....In fact, depending on the individual kid, the fact that someone they saw around the fringes of their previous lives is now acting as a parent may be more, not less, confusing and painful than a total stranger appearing for a total reset.

I think you might not believe that, and it's clear you have certain expectations for this family that aren't panning out. I agree with others that the place for change is in your expectations and reactions.

OP, have you been to any individual counseling or therapy yourself? Or any couples counseling with DH? Rather than family therapy with the kids--which will feel like a chore to his two kids at this point and will make them resent you for "making" them go even IF dad says he wants it--I'd get parenting counseling with DH, with a focus on expectations and strategies for how you respond (or...do not respond) to things like the oldest child's "accusations." It could really help you, and DH, to have a professional third party to talk with about how and how not to bring the kids together. If DH doesn't want to do counseling, do it solo.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so...

1) They lost their family to divorce and have to constantly shuffle back and forth between houses.

2) Their parents' relationship is tense and their mom is unhappy.

3) They have to share their dad with THREE other kids and no longer get as much time with him.

4) Their dad's new wife wants them to miss out on their preferred activities and force them to spend time with little kids.

And YOU'RE complaining that you're not getting a good enough deal? Sorry hon you should have seen this coming.
5)

This. I get your intentions are good but you failed to understand how this impacts everyone. The older kids will have the hardest time adjusting and you e basically thrown them into the mix without even asking or considering what they want. Additionally, the overlap of custody is probably a bad idea. You have to ease them into it, maybe every other weekend there is an overlap but every time they see their father they have to see your kids as well. Too much. For what it's worth my 11yo has a completely separate schedule from my 7yo. The schedules line up so I can swing both but they are rarely sitting around waiting for the other.

Echo what alla the previous posters are saying. Honestly, maybe you and DH as a couple should go to therapy about blended families and get on the same page. In my experience of having siblings with a huge age gap and having my dad remarry when I was an adult and the new wife refer to my newborn as her granddaughter when we had never even met

1. When I was a middle schooler, I was not interested in doing things with my much younger siblings. I feel like social accepatance (or not) and being able to have friends that didn’t turn on me the next month, and getting to hang out with my friends was my everything. There was also so much instability with social groups that I couldn’t imagine also if my parents had divorced in the middle or that.

2. Most large families are either bringing the younger one to tag along with the older one’s activities or divide and conquer. At the age the older kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, they will typically opt not to go to younger siblings activities.

3. oh and siblings often fight like cats and dogs and if you are lucky appreciate each other once they are out of the house. I’m not sure why you are imagining a Von Trapp like family ideal with siblings all hanging out and bursting into song.

4. When my dad remarried and the woman started off with my grand baby I thought slow your roll. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. Op you are putting way to much pressure to get to the end state and not putting in the time to get to know your step kids and them to know you. Did your start off date one with your now DH with “okay we are going to be married so as your future wife, we should do x”? Or did you get to know him first? Having some opportunities to bring his kids to different activities, support them, get to know them is important. I know someone that when her DH was on travel and she was primarily responsible for her step kids, it changed the dynamic for the better - they were in it together.

5. Agree that there has to be a basic level of respect with stepkids and kids in general will test boundaries. Maybe marriage counseling with focus on blended family would help you and DH figure out an approach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.

Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?

I’m sorry, but you do both need to put your children first. You need to keep the marriage a priority but you are going to destroy your marriage by For I g this blend on the older kids who do NOT want it, are traumatized, and are not ready for it.

(This is the stepmom PP.)

I mean if your DH’s ex is inflexible, then you be the flexible one.

I understand wanting relationship time. But even parents with intact first-marriage families don’t get every other week entirely to themselves. These kids need much, much more time with their dad without having to compete with you and your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.

wow OP.

I don't know what to say. You are incredibly immature and selfish, and if you don't grow up, you are going to have some very angry and alienated kids on your hands.

Anonymous wrote:

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.

Why can’t you change your custody schedule, then?

I’m sorry, but you do both need to put your children first. You need to keep the marriage a priority but you are going to destroy your marriage by For I g this blend on the older kids who do NOT want it, are traumatized, and are not ready for it.

(This is the stepmom PP.)

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

They didn’t know you then as their dads wife - one who quickly became that shortly after the divorce. And one who their mom is saying moved in on him either while they were married or during separation which may or may not be true. They don’t need more therapy- you do. Back off. Let them spend time with their dad. Ffs

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

That’s actually much worse, OP. Can you not see that?

Anonymous wrote:

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.

Were either of you still married when you and your current DH started seeing each other?

How long was there between the divorce date and your marriage date.

It seems there is also an affair in the mix and 10 and 12 year olds can be pretty intuitive and have a sense of what happened.

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

His ex refuses to switch custody schedules. Besides, we feel very strongly about setting aside time for our marriage apart from the blended family because we've both learned the hard way what happens when kids are prioritized abive the marriage.