Anonymous
Post 01/08/2019 06:03     Subject: Re:Still crying at age 11?
OP, I am with you. Mine is 12, soon will be 13, and we have these at least once a week on the good week, or once a day on the bad week. My older daughter who is in college now never had this. My youngest is more emotional, more sensitive. She always been like that, even when she was 2. I am just keep talking with her, even if at the time of the next episode it seems like the talks were moot. I am keep praying that she will outgrow this stage. I am also trying to keep her diet with little added sugar. She drinks calming teas with honey and tells me it helps her to fall to sleep. I also tried nerve tonic pills (it is herbal and sold without prescription). She took it for a littlbe bit, but then told me she doesn't need it. Hugs to you. I was a terrible teenager and now I am feeling like I am paying my price. But it also gives me a hope because I turned out to be very successful and productive adult.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 22:44     Subject: Re:Still crying at age 11?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. This is OP. I agree I was being unfair, fwiw. But she cries even when there’s no unfairness, that was just the most recent example. I just wanted to know that it is in the range of normal, as I don’t remember being so emotional at that age. SO it’s good to hear that it’s normal. We’ll just accept it as part of who she is.


While I agree it in the range of normal. I do think you want to help her express her feelings in a health way and develop coping mechanisms for her to manage her strong feelings. I think my kid who similarly lacks superior emotional control has a touch of anxiety. Her proclivity to cry shouldn't be ignored entirely as she'll do better in life if she develops skills to handle her strong emotions. You should be helping her with that through the tween and teen years. How do you normally react when she cries? Does she feel "heard" when she expresses her feelings?

Yes, this. You can't have a conversation about it in the moment, but you do need to talk with her at some neutral time about strategies to manage her emotions. Yes, it is okay to cry, but sometimes it is better to be able to choose not too.

Also, there are situations which really aren't deserving of a strong emotional reaction. Even though you say you were being unfair, were you really? Is her brother younger and has a harder time transitioning? Was she just at a good stopping point and he wasn't? Maybe you were unfair. Did you do it deliberately to hurt her? Or was it just a normal human interaction with a spur of the moment reaction that could be perceived as unfair? Yes, she is a teen and everything is really magnified and all about her. But this is the type of situation for children to learn to build resilience to life's small challenges. She will encounter bigger challenges and really unfair situations in the future, and to get through them, she needs to not crumple under the "unfairness" of it.


This is OP. You have both captured what my concern is - even if it is unfair, to react with tears over something trivial like a few minutes of extra game time is worrying. She is generally very brave and strong, so when she has these strong reactions to discipline (or not even always discipline, just enforcement of house rules), it surprises me and makes me worried whether she will be able to handle bigger disappointments in life. She does occasionally have these reactions in front of other kids, but those seem more understandable (fight with a friend, being embarrassed). How do we curb crying/overly emotional reactions without making her feel like expressing emotion is bad or that there is something wrong with her? We have talked about it after some of these episodes, but here we are still.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 22:25     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
My 11yo DD is not like this but I swear our next daughter (age 6) is headed this direction too.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 22:16     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
Anonymous wrote:Does she tend to do what she’s told whereas her brother is able to push the rules?


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 22:07     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old cries a lot and then feels bad about being a crier. She has anxiety.


My dd was like this. It improved at 12 and is so much better at 13. She had anxiety and I felt like it would never get better then all of a sudden she was able to handle things better. She still has anxiety but she doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat anymore.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 20:53     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
My 11 year old cries a lot and then feels bad about being a crier. She has anxiety.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 20:51     Subject: Re:Still crying at age 11?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. This is OP. I agree I was being unfair, fwiw. But she cries even when there’s no unfairness, that was just the most recent example. I just wanted to know that it is in the range of normal, as I don’t remember being so emotional at that age. SO it’s good to hear that it’s normal. We’ll just accept it as part of who she is.


While I agree it in the range of normal. I do think you want to help her express her feelings in a health way and develop coping mechanisms for her to manage her strong feelings. I think my kid who similarly lacks superior emotional control has a touch of anxiety. Her proclivity to cry shouldn't be ignored entirely as she'll do better in life if she develops skills to handle her strong emotions. You should be helping her with that through the tween and teen years. How do you normally react when she cries? Does she feel "heard" when she expresses her feelings?

Yes, this. You can't have a conversation about it in the moment, but you do need to talk with her at some neutral time about strategies to manage her emotions. Yes, it is okay to cry, but sometimes it is better to be able to choose not too.

Also, there are situations which really aren't deserving of a strong emotional reaction. Even though you say you were being unfair, were you really? Is her brother younger and has a harder time transitioning? Was she just at a good stopping point and he wasn't? Maybe you were unfair. Did you do it deliberately to hurt her? Or was it just a normal human interaction with a spur of the moment reaction that could be perceived as unfair? Yes, she is a teen and everything is really magnified and all about her. But this is the type of situation for children to learn to build resilience to life's small challenges. She will encounter bigger challenges and really unfair situations in the future, and to get through them, she needs to not crumple under the "unfairness" of it.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 20:15     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
I will take everyone's word that it is in the range of normal but is she crying only in front of you - her parents in the safety of her own home or is she crying in front of peers?

If she is crying in front of peers, I suggest you help her get a handle on it ASAP. I'll be the ass and say it - having those emotional outbursts in front of peers at this age is quickly not becoming acceptable. Her peers will notice it and their perception of her will go down.

I volunteer with girls her age and I see it. In my group of girls, there is one cryer/prone to emotional meltdowns. These outbursts do negatively affect the group when all are together. Frankly, I want to be leading the volunteer activity with the girls rather than deal with a kid having an emotional tantrum.


Make sure your daughter's crying isn't being done in front of her peers and is not bordering on emotional tantrum if it does happen because that is a problem.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 15:57     Subject: Re:Still crying at age 11?
My 13 DS still cries sometimes but only when he is really frustrated. I remember him crying more when he was 11. I think it's within the range of normal...but would worry if it didn't seem like it was getting better over time.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 12:42     Subject: Re:Still crying at age 11?
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. This is OP. I agree I was being unfair, fwiw. But she cries even when there’s no unfairness, that was just the most recent example. I just wanted to know that it is in the range of normal, as I don’t remember being so emotional at that age. SO it’s good to hear that it’s normal. We’ll just accept it as part of who she is.


While I agree it in the range of normal. I do think you want to help her express her feelings in a health way and develop coping mechanisms for her to manage her strong feelings. I think my kid who similarly lacks superior emotional control has a touch of anxiety. Her proclivity to cry shouldn't be ignored entirely as she'll do better in life if she develops skills to handle her strong emotions. You should be helping her with that through the tween and teen years. How do you normally react when she cries? Does she feel "heard" when she expresses her feelings?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 12:01     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
Has she started her period?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 11:59     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
Some people cry more easily than others, and tween/early teen years are often marked by increased sensitivity and crying. She is within the range of normal.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 10:21     Subject: Re:Still crying at age 11?
Thanks all. This is OP. I agree I was being unfair, fwiw. But she cries even when there’s no unfairness, that was just the most recent example. I just wanted to know that it is in the range of normal, as I don’t remember being so emotional at that age. SO it’s good to hear that it’s normal. We’ll just accept it as part of who she is.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 07:13     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
Anonymous wrote:Humans cry. It’s fine.


This.

Also, from what you say, you actually were being unfair.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2019 06:45     Subject: Still crying at age 11?
Actually crying gets worse in tweens and teens.