No, no, and no.

It's not just the cheating, it's the lying that presumably comes with it.

If you want to have an open marriage, that's one thing. But then you BOTH are free to explore, and there are typically rules in place on an open marriage.

OP, I'd be worried he would become emotionally involved with the other person and leave. Being gay is becoming more and more socially acceptable in all circles. If you go along with this because you're not ready to walk away or deal with the impact of divorce with your kids, make sure you're securing your financial future and preparing yourself emotionally for the likelihood that your DH will fall in love with someone else.

Everything else could not be perfect if DH cheats. The cheating takes time away from the family, puts me at risk of a sexual disease, puts our family at risk if OW gets pregnant or if OW/OM goes public, he presumably spends family $$ entertaining OW/OM, his sex drive and ability will be dampener with me and DH would be a selfish ass. Now, open marriage...that’s a different story but still comes with risks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

I have self respect so no.

If he was great with kids, he wouldn’t be cheating on their mom

No that’s not true. I know women who are great with the kids but end up cheating.

I’m a guy that posted that, and I believe that you are disrespecting your kids, by cheating on their mom, so on the surface, you can play with kids, make them laugh, etc, but it goes deeper than that. How great are ya really, with them, by cheating and messing up family dynamics.

You likely say this as a straight man. It's possible that OP's DH is gay and grew up in an environment that was completely not accepting of the fact that he was gay, so he tried to make a heterosexual marriage work. He was wrong for assuming he could do that, but that doesn't make him a bad father. Also, if the parties agree to stay together and have an intact family for the kids after discovering they weren't compatible, as long as everything is up front and all parties agree, it's not your place to judge what would be better for the kids.

Ideally, dh and I would each be able to have the occasional fling--exciting but safe, both physically and in that it doesn't threaten marriage or family, there's no jealousy or divided feelings, etc. In reality? that is very, very hard to actually find and sustain.

in the scenario OP posted, I honestly have no idea. An occasional one night stand I could probably handle, but an ongoing affair, probably not. Too much deception.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

I have self respect so no.

+1

Seriously. Look, if you agree to an open marriage, then fine. But if your husband is sneaking around behind your back then you're being treated like dirt. Who in their right mind would stand up to that? Oh, I get it, someone who needs his high earnings. Pathetic.

There are women and men who are not able to be satisfied by one mate for life. As long as it’s DADT or open, it’s not cheating. Cheating involves lying and deceit. If I say I’m going out tonight, I’ll be home around 11, that’s not lying. If we have an open dialogue about getting it but DADT, then it’s not deceitful. Maybe I’m going out for a girls night, maybe I’m going to an art class, maybe I’m meeting AP. If it’s weekly or taking precedence over family, that’s different.

Signed a DW (who has been with the same person for 20 years and no one else but is realistic that monogomy is hard -for both sexes).

Anonymous wrote:People here are so old fashioned.

People here have really low self esteem.

No, I would not look the other way. This would be a deal breaker for any person with any self respect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

I have self respect so no.

If he was great with kids, he wouldn’t be cheating on their mom

No that’s not true. I know women who are great with the kids but end up cheating.

I’m a guy that posted that, and I believe that you are disrespecting your kids, by cheating on their mom, so on the surface, you can play with kids, make them laugh, etc, but it goes deeper than that. How great are ya really, with them, by cheating and messing up family dynamics.

He’s not messing up family dynamics in the scenario. The family life is great.

People here are so old fashioned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

I have self respect so no.

If he was great with kids, he wouldn’t be cheating on their mom

No that’s not true. I know women who are great with the kids but end up cheating.

Kids come second to AP regardless of parental role. Seen it too many times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

I have self respect so no.

If he was great with kids, he wouldn’t be cheating on their mom

No that’s not true. I know women who are great with the kids but end up cheating.

I’m a guy that posted that, and I believe that you are disrespecting your kids, by cheating on their mom, so on the surface, you can play with kids, make them laugh, etc, but it goes deeper than that. How great are ya really, with them, by cheating and messing up family dynamics.

Yes. Sexual infidelity is not a deal breaker as long as everything else is great, it doesn't cut into family time, and he practices safe sex. For me, there are much worse things like financial infidelity/irresponsibility, addiction, abuse, not doing his 50% with hh/kids, not being supportive of my career.

Nope. Immediate divorce.