My MIL is like this. A controlling bitch who engages in passive aggression.

Stockholm syndrom. Romantisizing the abuser. Author needs therapy.

Anonymous wrote:https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/20/well/family/the-power-of-the-little-comment-in-mother-daughter-relationships.html

I found it very spot on. Mother-daughter relationships are the best and the worst of human connection and dynamics. I appreciated the way she articulated this.

"My mother understands me better than anyone, and I crave her approval more than anyone else’s. I could recite her entire value system if I were in a coma. Every meal needs a salad, music is good and sport is suspect, children should learn a stringed instrument, sleeping late is a moral failing. She doesn’t actually need to criticize. She did her job so effectively 30 years ago that now she need only raise an eyebrow and I fill in the blanks on autocomplete."

This is 100% true. I adore my mom, but she's the queen of the little comment/look. I can still remember things she said to me as a kid. Ex: you'll never really be a thin person (and I was only ever at most 15 lbs overweight), you would be an excellent lawyer but probably not a good doctor, etc. I know what sort of mood she's in by how she says "hello" on the phone when I call her.

Oh and I can also recite her value system even if I were in a coma: organic is always good, one must exercise 6 days a week, check the expiration date on everything before you buy it, sleeping past 7:30am is a character failure--as is sitting down for too long--and always put things in their final destination (aka mail goes either in the recycling bin or filed away, not on the counter). When I'm doing things, I can hear her voice in my head, correcting me. If I try to cut corners somehow, I can hear her saying, "Don't be lazy. If you're going to do it, do it right."

I *still* crave her approval and I'm 32 years old and married with a kid. I don't know if that will ever go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/20/well/family/the-power-of-the-little-comment-in-mother-daughter-relationships.html

I found it very spot on. Mother-daughter relationships are the best and the worst of human connection and dynamics. I appreciated the way she articulated this.

"My mother understands me better than anyone, and I crave her approval more than anyone else’s. I could recite her entire value system if I were in a coma. Every meal needs a salad, music is good and sport is suspect, children should learn a stringed instrument, sleeping late is a moral failing. She doesn’t actually need to criticize. She did her job so effectively 30 years ago that now she need only raise an eyebrow and I fill in the blanks on autocomplete."

Was this an Asian mother?

British mother. I never knew they were similar, and this explains a lot!

Anonymous wrote:I can't take this lady seriously because she named her kids Solly and Zeph.

Anonymous wrote:https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/20/well/family/the-power-of-the-little-comment-in-mother-daughter-relationships.html

I found it very spot on. Mother-daughter relationships are the best and the worst of human connection and dynamics. I appreciated the way she articulated this.

"My mother understands me better than anyone, and I crave her approval more than anyone else’s. I could recite her entire value system if I were in a coma. Every meal needs a salad, music is good and sport is suspect, children should learn a stringed instrument, sleeping late is a moral failing. She doesn’t actually need to criticize. She did her job so effectively 30 years ago that now she need only raise an eyebrow and I fill in the blanks on autocomplete."

The thought of craving your parent's approval is depressing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't relate to this at ALL. I am in my early/mid 30's and haven't spoken with my mother since I was 16. She's never met my children and wasn't invited to my wedding. She definitely doesn't know me at all.

Also, I disagree that all adult daughters should read this - not all adult daughters are mothers, seeking THEIR mother's approval.

I would think you have an unusual relationship with your mother. Most mothers and daughters have some type of verbal relationship.

I'm not close with my mom either, although we do speak and she has met my children two or three times. This article meant nothing to me, so no, all adult daughters don't need to read it. Do you really not understand that there are people out there who are different than you?

Perfect except for the fact that some parents, including mine, think they have the answers but actually are ALL WRONG, and seek to perpetuate a system of values that are ignorant and punitive. But they still come out with comments.

I stopped reading when I read that she craves her mother’s approval.

My mom was guilty of the “little comment” that was sometimes much not aggressive or downright spiteful. There’s a reason she’s not in my life anymore.

Giving birth to someone does not guarantee you an automatic relationship with them for the rest of your life. I don’t subscribe to the notion that we should keep toxic people in our life just because they’re “family.”

My mother is best kept at a distance: blocked and ignored. I haven’t seen her in over a year and no longer hear her voice in the back of my head anymore.

Interesting read. It works both ways though, imo. I think I have a good relationship with my grown daughter with children, but sometimes her “little comments” hurt me, especially since I try to never be critical. No relationship is perfect though.

Anonymous wrote:The mom sounds horrible. The daughter needs counseling to learn self confidence and good boundaries.

+1

WTF?! This isn’t a healthy relationship.

I hope someone steps in and breaks the cycle of abuse. Sounds like the writer needs help to understand the abusive dynamics of her relationship with her mother.

I'm close with my mom and talk to her regularly, but I don't think she really knows me or gets me. Our life experiences have been quite different -- she's a lot older than me and just grew up in a very different world and led a much more sheltered life in a lot of ways. I think if we played a newlywed type game, I would be pretty good a predicting her preferences, and she would not be good at all at predicting mine (other than obvious stuff, like I like brownies and ice cream and vote D). It's okay -- I stopped caring about her "getting me" when I was 15 or so. She also doesn't make little snarky comments about me, which I guess is good. (But she makes lots of them about inlaws or neighbors to me!)

Dude, that's nothing like my dynamic with my mom,that quote is depressing

My mom and I are frenemies. She makes little comments all the time and then acts shocked when I call her out. Like it’s all in my head and I’m blowing things out of proportion by calling her out. I fully believe her comments stem from envy. Perhaps tearing me down makes her feel better?