Oh, man. I'm always in favor of trying to work it out but this is emotional abuse. Nope.

Anonymous wrote:Ok- thanks for the insight. I can see how some of those issues might be at play here. In my own self all I could see/think was that he was trying to hurt my feelings. But I also know that most often we are not cause of someone else’s actions. So I wanted help to think of ways to understand.

And- I missed my therapy appointment yesterday so I had to crowdsource it on here! Thanks!!!

Look, you didn't really HAVE to crowdsource it here. You're wasting your time trying to peer into his brain and "figure things out." Who knows why he says it! Who cares? What goes on inside his head is not your problem and not your business. Focus on what's inside YOUR head, and on what you can do. It's not up to you to defuse anything. Take the crown off. Stop trying to control things you can't. Focus on you. He's not your problem anymore.

He’s insecure, hurting, lashing out. People act crazy and say crazy things when it’s divorce time.

My exh made very similar comments until we feel out of contact after the divorce. There were a lot of variations of "you will not be successful" and "I will be ridiculously successful". He even claimed he would be the US president and I would watch him on TV with a different first lady. Anyway, fast forward and I'm much more successful than he is, both in terms of salary and job prestige. My advice- don't try to overanalyze this. He is trying to make you doubt yourself and lose confidence and that's all there is to it. When he makes comments like that, if you seek to "understand his view" it only encourages him to ramp up the verbal abuse since you're falling for it by pretending it is anything other than abuse. Also, don't tell him he is being abusive because that is also encouraging to him so he can discuss how you deserve it. Just shut it down with "that's the most narcissistic thing I've heard an actual adult say" or "okay Larlo, keep flapping your gums, who cares if no one is listening". Your central message: idgaf what you think.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so we are talking divorce. And spouse keeps saying stuff like ‘you would be nothing without me’ and ‘I made you everything you are’. FWIW I met him at 30- after I had 2 graduate degrees and the same (not fancy government) job that I have now.
I am not looking to bash him- just understand. In the context of a divorce, what is the motivating reason for folks to say these types of things? I think if I can understand the reasoning behind the feelings I can diffuse the situation better.
We have a kid- hence why I’m looking to build stability.

He is a possessive man (which is often linked to been abusive).
Don't let him get under your skin, disregard everything what he says.

OP, you're in a very hard situation. But in way, it's good that he's saying stuff to you that is so clearly absurd and not true Otherwise he might be getting into your head a lot more, if he was hurling insults that somehow hit the mark. Does he think your marriage was healthy and thriving, or if he's honest with himself and looks past the ego, will he realize that it wasn't working?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it's true. My husband comes from trailer trash but their educated mom saw to it that they all got through college. Nevertheless, most of his nieces and nephews have dropped out of high school and his siblings live in conditions as bad or worse than those in which they grew up. He married up (me).
I pushed him to seek promotions, professional friends and our kids seem to be following our example. He is horrified and embarrassed by his siblings' situation.
I've said something similar during blowouts. In happier times he's acknowledged it's true.

Yikes. Folks in relationships help one another. But to think your spouse would be nothing without you- is something I cannot relate to. My spouse has worth & something outside of our marriage

You say that now but if your spouse started divorce procedures against it will be different. I Know a few people who have gone through a divorce, it’s very emotional and life changing.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it's true. My husband comes from trailer trash but their educated mom saw to it that they all got through college. Nevertheless, most of his nieces and nephews have dropped out of high school and his siblings live in conditions as bad or worse than those in which they grew up. He married up (me).
I pushed him to seek promotions, professional friends and our kids seem to be following our example. He is horrified and embarrassed by his siblings' situation.
I've said something similar during blowouts. In happier times he's acknowledged it's true.

Yikes. Folks in relationships help one another. But to think your spouse would be nothing without you- is something I cannot relate to. My spouse has worth & something outside of our marriage

My ex said this about me during a divorce. I agree it’s something cruel and abusive that insecure people say to try to manipulate you into feeling low-self esteem. I also think it’s a lot of projecting. They feel like they are nothing without you. Neither are true.

Sometimes it's true. My husband comes from trailer trash but their educated mom saw to it that they all got through college. Nevertheless, most of his nieces and nephews have dropped out of high school and his siblings live in conditions as bad or worse than those in which they grew up. He married up (me).
I pushed him to seek promotions, professional friends and our kids seem to be following our example. He is horrified and embarrassed by his siblings' situation.
I've said something similar during blowouts. In happier times he's acknowledged it's true.

My ex-wife did the same thing. "You were nothing before we married. You were living in a tiny apartment." (I was living in a tiny apartment saving money for a wedding her parents had no plans to pay for)

I hope you respond with ok if that makes you feel better about yourself keep believing it then turn around and walk away.

He's a weak man who is trying to bring you down because he knows post divorce your trajectory looks better than his.

Anonymous wrote:So you're talking about a divorce and you expect kind words? You could both say what he said and you could both be right.

Divorce does not give you a liscense to be cruel. You are still an adult... which @ core means you respond & not react

NP here, starting the year out right DCUM-- all really good and useful answers!