Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

Leverage. Adultery can affect alimony.

Not if you live in a no-fault state.

The leverage is in negotiating the settlement agreement with favorable terms or I will file at-fault. This is Virginia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

Leverage. Adultery can affect alimony.

Not if you live in a no-fault state.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

Leverage. Adultery can affect alimony.

Insist that DW does not move in with AP or introduce or disclose.

Is that even legally achievable? If she wants to move in with him tomorrow, there's really not a thing you can do about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

Also be very careful about using your information - its gold and don't let them know you have it unless you absolutely have too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

what's point of that ?

I’m having a terrible Christmas too. I found out the day before Christmas Eve...DH told me he was going to wait to tell me after Christmas, but I found out and confronted him. My heart is broken and I’m incredibly sad for our kids. I’m putting on a brave face for them so our last Christmas as a family isn’t ruined for them. Inside I’m a heartbroken mess.

So OP you’re not alone this Christmas. It’s hard to see the positive things during such low times, and who knows what the future will bring for us, but I hope you take the time to build yourself back up and come back stronger, healthier, and happier. I hope I do too. Merry Christmas my friend.

I am really sorry, OP. Try to focus on only your kids - they are your family now.

Believe it or not - next Christmas will be better. Hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:I guess the "due for a change anyway" meant the kids would be leaving for college in the next few years...??

OP here. Yes. I just meant we were staring the empty nest in the eye.

Anonymous wrote:I guess the "due for a change anyway" meant the kids would be leaving for college in the next few years...??

That's what I think.

Sorry, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

Hard proof that can't be gas-lighted away is extremely important.

^Agree, hard proof is very important for your psychological health to combat gaslighting, but not for legal/custody purposes. As a victim of infidelity myself, once you have hard proof, don’t expend a lot of energy collecting more and more to combat and uncover every lie. You know enough to walk away. Focus your energy on getting as much custody as you can and building your new life. Sinking more energy into the details of the affair is wasted energy. Divorce and minimize contact, learn how to support your kids.

I guess the "due for a change anyway" meant the kids would be leaving for college in the next few years...??

OP, very sorry to hear about this. My parents separated when I was 14 and my brother 16. It was very hard, despite us being older, because my dad was having an affair, moved right in with OW, and my mom lost it and continues to badmouth my dad 30 years later....

My advice, as hard as this will be: be the rock for your kids. Insist that DW does not move in with AP or introduce or disclose. If she does, you need to convey that her relationship was a sign rather than a cause of the divorce (even if it was) as your kids will have enough to wrestle with. This means swallowing a lot of pride and it seems like giving your DW a pass, but just know that if you can stay calm and keep as much conflict out of the home as possible, this will help your kids--and frankly, you--later on. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. How did you find out?

She didn’t cover her tracks nearly as well as she thought. Then I got into their WhatsApp chats. I know when, where and have hired a private investigator to prove it.

Try not to get too wrapped up in her having an affair. What's done is done. Try to enjoy what you can today with your kids.

This is good advice. If the marriage is over then it’s also time for you to get over her affair. You’ll just be hurting yourself and (indirectly) your kids by obsessing about it. Probably better for you not to get into the details, that will make it harder to forget.

Can you give him a minute to process what's happened to him and his marriage? He sounds like a grounded man who's dealing well with the end of his marriage. He just found out. It's pretty horrible news for most of us, and it requires some thought. Doesn't sound like he's obsessing. And getting the details can be helpful for some people, especially if their partner insists on lying to them - confirming reality can be helpful and constructive.

Man here. This will pass. It'll also get better. Your kids are old enough to put 2&2 together and see who was the cause of this, and they won't bear any resentment towards you.

Then eventually you'll re-enter the dating scene and do well at it -- among the older crowd, there are a lot more women than men available, so you'll be a hot commodity.