Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:59     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Personally, I'd skip the trip myself and stay home with the teenagers. My DH was forced as a kid on these family road trips every year to see extended family. He found them very monotonous as the years wore on and he grew to dread them. Spending 8+ hours in a car followed by days of sitting silently on a relative's sofa while all the adults talk about their 401k plans. That's pretty much the way my DH described his family "vacation" every year. I can understand why the kids don't want to go. If you don't want to leave your youngest alone, stay home with her.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:59     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?


People who live in houses run by adults and not children?

This isn't a petty dictatorship issue where OP is insisting a teenager wear a certain sweater for the family photo; the kid is too young to stay home without adult supervision for 4 days, and it's a sign that something has gone really wrong in OP's parenting that she thinks she has the option to make the demand (and that OP thinks she can't simply veto it).


It isn't, but you're making it one. The 14-year-old would stay home with her 19-year-old sister, so that's not staying home alone. And OP hasn't said WHY the 14-year-old is refusing to go on an 8-hour trip. If you think the reason is irrelevant because the 14-year-old has to obey or else, regardless, then yes, it's a petty dictatorship.


OP said she doesn't want to share a room with her cousin and she just wants to be alone. Also that the 19 year old will be working. So no, nothing you've written applies. The kid won't be supervised, she doesn't have a good reason, and she's still a child. Spending the holidays with your family and not unsupervised at home alone is not a petty dictatorship issue. It's basic parenting to, y'know, parent your kids and not leave them alone for close to a week because they're in a bad mood.

Add on that OP says her DD is depressed and you're looking at a potentially dangerous situation, not just a case of bad parenting judgment.


You have a good point. This is why I may cancel the trip.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:59     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?


People who live in houses run by adults and not children?

This isn't a petty dictatorship issue where OP is insisting a teenager wear a certain sweater for the family photo; the kid is too young to stay home without adult supervision for 4 days, and it's a sign that something has gone really wrong in OP's parenting that she thinks she has the option to make the demand (and that OP thinks she can't simply veto it).


It isn't, but you're making it one. The 14-year-old would stay home with her 19-year-old sister, so that's not staying home alone. And OP hasn't said WHY the 14-year-old is refusing to go on an 8-hour trip. If you think the reason is irrelevant because the 14-year-old has to obey or else, regardless, then yes, it's a petty dictatorship.


She doesn't want to be confined in the car for that long with all of us, she doesn't want to socialize, she is going through a moody phase and possibly depressed.


I think when our kids are pushing us away is when they need us MOST. Maybe she needs to feel like you're willing to listen to what she has to say with no judgement. And then, maybe throw her a bone and offer to find her a (less desirable I'm sure but whatevs) different place to sleep on your trip - on a couch, on an air mattress tucked away in the basement where she can get some quiet if things feel overwhelming.

I would NOT leave my depressed daughter home alone, but I would try to support and comfort her.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:55     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?


People who live in houses run by adults and not children?

This isn't a petty dictatorship issue where OP is insisting a teenager wear a certain sweater for the family photo; the kid is too young to stay home without adult supervision for 4 days, and it's a sign that something has gone really wrong in OP's parenting that she thinks she has the option to make the demand (and that OP thinks she can't simply veto it).


It isn't, but you're making it one. The 14-year-old would stay home with her 19-year-old sister, so that's not staying home alone. And OP hasn't said WHY the 14-year-old is refusing to go on an 8-hour trip. If you think the reason is irrelevant because the 14-year-old has to obey or else, regardless, then yes, it's a petty dictatorship.


She doesn't want to be confined in the car for that long with all of us, she doesn't want to socialize, she is going through a moody phase and possibly depressed.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:54     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?


People who live in houses run by adults and not children?

This isn't a petty dictatorship issue where OP is insisting a teenager wear a certain sweater for the family photo; the kid is too young to stay home without adult supervision for 4 days, and it's a sign that something has gone really wrong in OP's parenting that she thinks she has the option to make the demand (and that OP thinks she can't simply veto it).


It isn't, but you're making it one. The 14-year-old would stay home with her 19-year-old sister, so that's not staying home alone. And OP hasn't said WHY the 14-year-old is refusing to go on an 8-hour trip. If you think the reason is irrelevant because the 14-year-old has to obey or else, regardless, then yes, it's a petty dictatorship.


OP said she doesn't want to share a room with her cousin and she just wants to be alone. Also that the 19 year old will be working. So no, nothing you've written applies. The kid won't be supervised, she doesn't have a good reason, and she's still a child. Spending the holidays with your family and not unsupervised at home alone is not a petty dictatorship issue. It's basic parenting to, y'know, parent your kids and not leave them alone for close to a week because they're in a bad mood.

Add on that OP says her DD is depressed and you're looking at a potentially dangerous situation, not just a case of bad parenting judgment.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:53     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.


I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.


Two questions:

-Why does she not want to go?
-What is your major worry if she does not go?


She does not want to be around people lately, except her friends. So I guess she doesn't want to be around family. Also, she got into a tiff with her cousin who she has to share a room with when we visit.

My major worry if we go away and leave her home is that she will have nothing to do, no one around, and be very lonely.


That's a natural consequence - the kind that people (including 14-year-olds) learn from. No one ever suffered lasting damage from four days with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with.


That is what I was thinking too.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:53     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.


I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.


Sorry OP. She isn’t strong willed. That she feels she can say that demonstrates a stunning lack of discipline in your home. You fix that when they are 4, not 14.


Yeah, I thought this way until I was trying to raise this kid. Even as a baby she was trying to do her own thing. People always think she is 16 or 17. She doesn't act like your typical 14 year old.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:52     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.


I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.


Two questions:

-Why does she not want to go?
-What is your major worry if she does not go?


She does not want to be around people lately, except her friends. So I guess she doesn't want to be around family. Also, she got into a tiff with her cousin who she has to share a room with when we visit.

My major worry if we go away and leave her home is that she will have nothing to do, no one around, and be very lonely.


That's a natural consequence - the kind that people (including 14-year-olds) learn from. No one ever suffered lasting damage from four days with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:49     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?


People who live in houses run by adults and not children?

This isn't a petty dictatorship issue where OP is insisting a teenager wear a certain sweater for the family photo; the kid is too young to stay home without adult supervision for 4 days, and it's a sign that something has gone really wrong in OP's parenting that she thinks she has the option to make the demand (and that OP thinks she can't simply veto it).


It isn't, but you're making it one. The 14-year-old would stay home with her 19-year-old sister, so that's not staying home alone. And OP hasn't said WHY the 14-year-old is refusing to go on an 8-hour trip. If you think the reason is irrelevant because the 14-year-old has to obey or else, regardless, then yes, it's a petty dictatorship.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:49     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.


I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.


Two questions:

-Why does she not want to go?
-What is your major worry if she does not go?


She does not want to be around people lately, except her friends. So I guess she doesn't want to be around family. Also, she got into a tiff with her cousin who she has to share a room with when we visit.

My major worry if we go away and leave her home is that she will have nothing to do, no one around, and be very lonely.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:45     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?


People who live in houses run by adults and not children?

This isn't a petty dictatorship issue where OP is insisting a teenager wear a certain sweater for the family photo; the kid is too young to stay home without adult supervision for 4 days, and it's a sign that something has gone really wrong in OP's parenting that she thinks she has the option to make the demand (and that OP thinks she can't simply veto it).
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:44     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When did oldest dd start backing out? That's when the next one can too.


Older DD has to work.


When the 14 yo has a job and work obligations then she can stay home too.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:44     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
None of my kids want to go to my SILs over new years. They are 17, 15, and 13. They are all going.

I would only leave adults behind.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:42     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Who are all of these people who think that the parent-child relationship consists of parents giving orders and children obeying? For 14-year-olds?
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2018 10:41     Subject: Help! DD14 does not want to come with us on family trip
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would insist on her joining us. 14 is still too young to be allowed to pout off on her separate way.


I tried this and she is doing the "I refuse to go." "I refuse to get in the car." thing. She is very strong willed.


Sorry OP. She isn’t strong willed. That she feels she can say that demonstrates a stunning lack of discipline in your home. You fix that when they are 4, not 14.