Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc. will be very hard for her. Acknowledge her feelings and then see if you can brainstorm together things that might make her feel better. But she needs an ear and a shoulder to cry on. If you need to see her a bit less frequently, do that.

This! Last winter was my first separated and it sucked - and so did my attitude! This winter is so much easier. Take space, but be there for her as you’re able. She’s healing.

yep, and I definitely recall the people who were really there for me and who weren't.

People can get so wrapped up emotionally they fail to notice what they are doing. Maybe gently point it out? My mom once asked to change the subject after my brother spent most of their lunch together talking his divorce. He said she didn't care about his problems and she replied since they were celebrating her birthday, she would like to talk about something else a least for a little bit.

I'm all for being compassionate...but "It must be nice" is not cool. I have been divorced and I felt like crap for months but that crosses a line.

Take breaks when you need to and also actively encourage her to seek out other single or divorced friends and then don't be jealous/feel left out when she does.

Not that anything in your post implied that you would, but people like to feel needed, and if you feel you're putting in a lot of effort supporting her when she's unhappy, it would only be natural to be a little irked when she's feeling better and spending less time with you, say, next summer. The thing is, that's how it should go. In order to get happier, she needs to embrace the singleness, and in order to do that, she needs single friends to go out and do single things with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you get divorced or have any type of hardship this is where you find out who your real friends are.

Yes.

Honestly this is so condescending it's incredible. Just because you are going through a divorce or other hardship doesn't negate your own responsibilities and accountability to the people in your life. I'm so tired of hearing how a "true friend" will put up with virtually anything and everything to somehow prove that they are sincere or otherwise - welp - they weren't a friend.

EVERYONE goes through hardships - all of us. But you have the absolute obligation to check yourself first - and stop blaming other people for "not being there" or otherwise being a bad friend.

OP came here for advice - and wants to be a friend. Anyone who uses someone else as a constant emotional crutch and sole source to vent is also "not a good friend" - doesn't that ever register with people?

As for advice - yes, please advise counseling and also, it's okay to be honest with your friend. "I know you are struggling, and I am trying to be here for you and help you, but I don't know if I'm equipped to help you or will always have the right words. I know you don't mean it, but lately you sound resentful of my life and that hurts. I feel I can't share anything good with you. I know you are hurting and struggling - please let me know how I can be a good friend to you and if we can talk about this."

If someone is such a "real" friend, they should be able to handle "real" conversations instead of treating everyone like a Faberge egg when anything is happening in their life.

If anyone said this to me during the first holiday season after I separated, it would have effectively been the end of our friendship.

I think it's fine to take a step back from the friendship if it's emotionally draining for the OP. I'd also suggest trying to incorporate the divorced friend into group outings or kid-centric activities. I was much less likely to discuss my divorce in front of my kid or in a large group of women, and I would have been so grateful for the invitation. For me one of the hardest things about adjusting to being divorced was the loneliness and I'm so glad I had friends who made an effort to be inclusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you get divorced or have any type of hardship this is where you find out who your real friends are.

Yes.

Honestly this is so condescending it's incredible. Just because you are going through a divorce or other hardship doesn't negate your own responsibilities and accountability to the people in your life. I'm so tired of hearing how a "true friend" will put up with virtually anything and everything to somehow prove that they are sincere or otherwise - welp - they weren't a friend.

EVERYONE goes through hardships - all of us. But you have the absolute obligation to check yourself first - and stop blaming other people for "not being there" or otherwise being a bad friend.

OP came here for advice - and wants to be a friend. Anyone who uses someone else as a constant emotional crutch and sole source to vent is also "not a good friend" - doesn't that ever register with people?

As for advice - yes, please advise counseling and also, it's okay to be honest with your friend. "I know you are struggling, and I am trying to be here for you and help you, but I don't know if I'm equipped to help you or will always have the right words. I know you don't mean it, but lately you sound resentful of my life and that hurts. I feel I can't share anything good with you. I know you are hurting and struggling - please let me know how I can be a good friend to you and if we can talk about this."

If someone is such a "real" friend, they should be able to handle "real" conversations instead of treating everyone like a Faberge egg when anything is happening in their life.

Pace yourself and take care of yourself. Don’t dump the friend when she needs you unless you’re OK with terminating the relationship forever. I had a friend dump me during the early stages of my divorce and I never forgave the person when I got my life back together (~6 mo later). The friend will probably never forgive you or trust you again.

Anonymous wrote:When you get divorced or have any type of hardship this is where you find out who your real friends are.

Yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: stop being a shitty, selfish friend.

I’m not trying to be a shitty or selfish friend. It’s draining and I’m doing the best I can to be there for her.

it's a temporary state she's in, if you cared and had compassion you would realize this and be there for her especially now during the holidays.

NP. It’s a lot to be someone’s entire emotional support system. I think it’s OK to pace yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: stop being a shitty, selfish friend.

I’m not trying to be a shitty or selfish friend. It’s draining and I’m doing the best I can to be there for her.

it's a temporary state she's in, if you cared and had compassion you would realize this and be there for her especially now during the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:Advice: stop being a shitty, selfish friend.

I’m not trying to be a shitty or selfish friend. It’s draining and I’m doing the best I can to be there for her.

Anonymous wrote:Recommend that she try counseling. All of those feelings that she is going through are very normal but the fact that she keeps turning things back to you and your "perfect life" is draining. A counselor could help and maybe even recommend a psychiatrist for meds to get her through this patch.

I’ll mention that to her.

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound shitty. It IS mentally draining to be a constant sounding board for negativity. OP, like pps stated, you need to take a few breaks.

+1

OP doesn't sound shitty. It IS mentally draining to be a constant sounding board for negativity. OP, like pps stated, you need to take a few breaks.

When you get divorced or have any type of hardship this is where you find out who your real friends are.