Anonymous
12/03/2018 15:14
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
I got married at age 23 to DH, 28. We have kids 7 and 5, and we had a very difficult time early on in our marriage. 11 years later we are very happy and in love because we just accept each other unconditionally, both good and bad. That’s literally it. We don’t have a lot in common or an amazing sex life or tons of money. We just like and love each other.
Anonymous
12/03/2018 14:21
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Maybe marrying later in life? I met DH when he was 35 and we got married when he was 39.
Anonymous
12/03/2018 14:18
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Has he always resented you making more money?
Did he have emotional issues related to military service?
How is he / how has he always been as a father?
What was his childhood / relationship with parents like?
I've been with my husband for 16 years, married 11. We are largely happy. Both come from stable families (parents married 30+ years though mine are deceased). All siblings married with kids. No financial concerns (inheritance). I think a lot of it is out of our control but I also think we were both attracted to the stability we knew as kids.
Did he have emotional issues related to military service?
How is he / how has he always been as a father?
What was his childhood / relationship with parents like?
I've been with my husband for 16 years, married 11. We are largely happy. Both come from stable families (parents married 30+ years though mine are deceased). All siblings married with kids. No financial concerns (inheritance). I think a lot of it is out of our control but I also think we were both attracted to the stability we knew as kids.
Anonymous
12/03/2018 14:12
Subject: Re:If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is he having a mid life crisis?
NP, but pretty clearly yes. I'm 47, and when I hit about 41-42, I went through a rough patch -- nothing like what OP describes, but in particular I got very resentful about our subpar sex life. But I don't think it was just about sex. I think it was a midlife problem -- if our sex life had been good, I probably would have fixated on something else. One thing that helped was reading about studies showing that life happiness tends to hit a trough in your 40s, but tends to get better in your 50s. (Part of the problem before that was visualising life continuing to decline forever until I died.) I'm rambling a little bit here, but here's an article:
"Life satisfaction falls in our 20s and 30s, then hits a trough in our late 40s before increasing until our 80s."
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/may/05/happiness-curve-life-gets-better-after-50-jonathan-rauch
Off topic but this helps me too. It’s reassuring to think that I’m miserable because of natural forces because objectively I shouldn’t be miserable and I feel crazy.
Anonymous
12/03/2018 12:01
Subject: Re:If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
LSD is kind of a big deal. I would fight pretty hard to keep my marriage in tact and not have to split custody with someone who is actively using (not to mention whoever he chooses to date).
Anonymous
12/02/2018 18:32
Subject: Re:If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is he having a mid life crisis?
NP, but pretty clearly yes. I'm 47, and when I hit about 41-42, I went through a rough patch -- nothing like what OP describes, but in particular I got very resentful about our subpar sex life. But I don't think it was just about sex. I think it was a midlife problem -- if our sex life had been good, I probably would have fixated on something else. One thing that helped was reading about studies showing that life happiness tends to hit a trough in your 40s, but tends to get better in your 50s. (Part of the problem before that was visualising life continuing to decline forever until I died.) I'm rambling a little bit here, but here's an article:
"Life satisfaction falls in our 20s and 30s, then hits a trough in our late 40s before increasing until our 80s."
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/may/05/happiness-curve-life-gets-better-after-50-jonathan-rauch
My ex went through this. He regrets it now.
Anonymous
12/02/2018 18:26
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
OP, you deserve more than this guy. You are sad for what your life could have been. He has placed a priority on doing drugs. Open up the front door and let hm live his perceived wonderful life. Be strong. You are going to be fine.
Anonymous
12/02/2018 18:24
Subject: Re:If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Anonymous wrote:Is he having a mid life crisis?
NP, but pretty clearly yes. I'm 47, and when I hit about 41-42, I went through a rough patch -- nothing like what OP describes, but in particular I got very resentful about our subpar sex life. But I don't think it was just about sex. I think it was a midlife problem -- if our sex life had been good, I probably would have fixated on something else. One thing that helped was reading about studies showing that life happiness tends to hit a trough in your 40s, but tends to get better in your 50s. (Part of the problem before that was visualising life continuing to decline forever until I died.) I'm rambling a little bit here, but here's an article:
"Life satisfaction falls in our 20s and 30s, then hits a trough in our late 40s before increasing until our 80s."
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/may/05/happiness-curve-life-gets-better-after-50-jonathan-rauch
Anonymous
12/02/2018 18:19
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What works for us it to sweep a lot under the rug, never to be seen again.
Basically this. If I want harmony, I can’t comment on his bullshit. It sucks.
+1
I remain in it for the kids (18 and 15) and because divorce would be expensive. Also, DH is disabled and I don’t want to saddle the kids with him and his needs as he ages.
Anonymous
12/02/2018 18:03
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Teens divorcing after 20 years of marriage...we had a good life and DH has blown it up with his mid-life crisis that raised its ugly head about six months ago. He doesn’t want to be tied to a schedule according to him....things like being home for the kids is apparently no longer something he wants to do.
This is OP, your situation sounds like mine. I just feel utter confusion. I also think I'm supposed to be more mad at him but I feel more of the emotion of confusion and sadness honestly.
For the poster on the family life he grew up with, I do think this is a part of our situation. His family was extremely dysfunctional and I thought he was the example of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps but now I feel like even after so many years on a different path, when it got too hard it was just easy to fall back to their type of lifestyle with all responsibility removed than to keep pushing through the not so fun part.
I guess the moral of that story is really its about who you choose from the beginning not how well you do during. I'm not perfect, I nag, I yell sometimes and can be bossy but I never thought we had problems that would mean he would just dump me and the life we built.
It's so depressing. I would also not quit, even now if he'd just go to counseling with me and work on it. I feel pathetic.
OR here. Profound sadness was what I felt as well. Hugs to you. Group therapy with others going through the process was very beneficial. I sent my DCs to therapy because I wanted them to have a neutral outlet. Time has passed now and my oldest and his friend were discussing worse thing about parents not together and mine says...not enough underwear at Dads. If that’s it...I’ll take it. And, ofcourse, I bought and sent more underwear to his Dads
Anonymous
12/02/2018 17:52
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
What works for us: come from simply lay backgrounds, have similar goals, both family oriented p, we like each other
Been together20 years and still happy
Been together20 years and still happy
Anonymous
12/02/2018 17:51
Subject: Re:If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Is he having a mid life crisis?
Anonymous
12/02/2018 17:51
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Teens divorcing after 20 years of marriage...we had a good life and DH has blown it up with his mid-life crisis that raised its ugly head about six months ago. He doesn’t want to be tied to a schedule according to him....things like being home for the kids is apparently no longer something he wants to do.
This is OP, your situation sounds like mine. I just feel utter confusion. I also think I'm supposed to be more mad at him but I feel more of the emotion of confusion and sadness honestly.
For the poster on the family life he grew up with, I do think this is a part of our situation. His family was extremely dysfunctional and I thought he was the example of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps but now I feel like even after so many years on a different path, when it got too hard it was just easy to fall back to their type of lifestyle with all responsibility removed than to keep pushing through the not so fun part.
I guess the moral of that story is really its about who you choose from the beginning not how well you do during. I'm not perfect, I nag, I yell sometimes and can be bossy but I never thought we had problems that would mean he would just dump me and the life we built.
It's so depressing. I would also not quit, even now if he'd just go to counseling with me and work on it. I feel pathetic.
Pp here with four kids. What does your husband do for a living? I ended up reporting my husbands drug use to his employer, and he was forced into rehab. He came out with a very different perspective on what was important in life, what he was able to handle, and how to ask for help. Is that a possibility for you guys?
Anonymous
12/02/2018 17:50
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
\Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What works for us it to sweep a lot under the rug, never to be seen again.
Basically this. If I want harmony, I can’t comment on his bullshit. It sucks.
OP here - I think I see that I could have done this more. I would be trying to do this more in the future, with him or possibly a new partner.... feels gross to even think about that.
Anonymous
12/02/2018 17:46
Subject: If you are very happily married w kids 10+ yrs , tell what you think is the main that makes it work.
OP, let him go. It's not about you. You couldn't have fixed this. I believe it's possible he may re-think his role in the family and (partially) redeem himself in the future, but that is not for you to concern yourself over ...