Anonymous
11/29/2018 21:13
Subject: Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:You say he has an academic job? Is he an assistant professor, who will be working toward tenure for the next six years? I am a tenured prof, so I am surrounded by other academics, and I don't know a single male academic who was the default parent while working toward tenure. In fact, the most successful mid-career scholars in my field are the men whose wives SAH or have less-intense careers. The thing about academia is that the work is infinite, and the standards are vague. You could always collect just one more set of data, publish just one more article, etc., and you never feel like it's enough until you've got tenure. And then you're working toward full. I know there are a lot of jobs that you can never "turn off" but academia is unusual simply because the work is self-driven and limitless.
So, I'd be thinking about how he's going to resist that pressure to publish more and more and more and focus on running the household while you pursue your career.
The research shows that the most likely person to get tenure is a married male, the most unlikely is a married female. (Unmarried men and unmarried women fall in between.) The typical explanation for these differences is that men are successful because women are running their personal lives, and women are unsuccessful professionally because they're having to run their family life too.
So, is your husband going to step outside of these well established patterns in academia and somehow be a default parent and a successful scholar? There are certainly examples of men who have done it, but it takes commitment on their part to buck the dominant trends.
Yes he is an assistant professor. I have a hard time with the idea of keeping a light career to support an academic career which frankly is not very lucrative. He claims he can easily work until 70 at top pay, but this does not help me sleep at night. What if he gets sick?
He plans to go for tenure at the end of next year if he gets an NSF grant, and has been encouraged to go early by the department. He is 36 and has many, many publications and citations. What he doesn’t have yet is a big grant.
Anyway, i can outearn him fairly soon if I am not mommy tracked, and this matters to me because I highly value financial security.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 20:55
Subject: Husband as default parent?
You say he has an academic job? Is he an assistant professor, who will be working toward tenure for the next six years? I am a tenured prof, so I am surrounded by other academics, and I don't know a single male academic who was the default parent while working toward tenure. In fact, the most successful mid-career scholars in my field are the men whose wives SAH or have less-intense careers. The thing about academia is that the work is infinite, and the standards are vague. You could always collect just one more set of data, publish just one more article, etc., and you never feel like it's enough until you've got tenure. And then you're working toward full. I know there are a lot of jobs that you can never "turn off" but academia is unusual simply because the work is self-driven and limitless.
So, I'd be thinking about how he's going to resist that pressure to publish more and more and more and focus on running the household while you pursue your career.
The research shows that the most likely person to get tenure is a married male, the most unlikely is a married female. (Unmarried men and unmarried women fall in between.) The typical explanation for these differences is that men are successful because women are running their personal lives, and women are unsuccessful professionally because they're having to run their family life too.
So, is your husband going to step outside of these well established patterns in academia and somehow be a default parent and a successful scholar? There are certainly examples of men who have done it, but it takes commitment on their part to buck the dominant trends.
So, I'd be thinking about how he's going to resist that pressure to publish more and more and more and focus on running the household while you pursue your career.
The research shows that the most likely person to get tenure is a married male, the most unlikely is a married female. (Unmarried men and unmarried women fall in between.) The typical explanation for these differences is that men are successful because women are running their personal lives, and women are unsuccessful professionally because they're having to run their family life too.
So, is your husband going to step outside of these well established patterns in academia and somehow be a default parent and a successful scholar? There are certainly examples of men who have done it, but it takes commitment on their part to buck the dominant trends.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 20:38
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
It will be 75% when he thinks moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is = to folding and putting it away.
It will be 75% when he thinks showing up to the school play is = to making the costume for the play
Men's math is historically bad.
+1. There's a SAHD in a SAHP group I'm in, and even without working he can't handle running a household. His wife had to hire a nanny to take care of the kids with him.
Jeez, that's pathetic. I'm a DH and what I accomplish in one hour, it would take multiple hours for my DW. And I do all the cooking (and cleanup).
Yes, there are many Dads out there like me because I know them.
Many but not most
Anonymous
11/29/2018 20:37
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
I am not going to say that no man can do this. I know a few. A good friend of mine is a fireman married to a neurosurgeon. He (my fireman friend) is the default parent. He is always at this and that event, and his wife shows up when she can.
But the thing is, that has always been their dynamic. What I can’t imagine happening is that your husband is going to suddenly change his tune after years of not giving a care about your career and suddenly decide to mommy track himself in order to support you. More likely, rather than cutting back, your career oriented husband is going to feel more pressure to perform at work and financially support his wife and child, and actually increase the time he spends at work.
But the thing is, that has always been their dynamic. What I can’t imagine happening is that your husband is going to suddenly change his tune after years of not giving a care about your career and suddenly decide to mommy track himself in order to support you. More likely, rather than cutting back, your career oriented husband is going to feel more pressure to perform at work and financially support his wife and child, and actually increase the time he spends at work.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 16:16
Subject: Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:I say in less it is what HE wants you are setting yourself up for an issue. I think you should hire a nanny.
You do not understand what OP is saying at all. They both work - of course they need childcare. What tends to happen is the mom researches nannys (or daycares) checks references, narrows the choices to 3 to interview and asks the dad “Are you available Tuesday at 4pm?” The dad checks his calendar and shows up.
OP is saying the wife wants to be the dad in this scenario. Even when you have childcare, the default parent is the one who stays home with a sick kid, the one who does doctors appointments and researches pediatricians, figures out what age you have to take a kid to the dentist, buys clothes, sorts old clothes, orders diapers and on and on.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 16:11
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
It will be 75% when he thinks moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is = to folding and putting it away.
It will be 75% when he thinks showing up to the school play is = to making the costume for the play
Men's math is historically bad.
+1. There's a SAHD in a SAHP group I'm in, and even without working he can't handle running a household. His wife had to hire a nanny to take care of the kids with him.
Jeez, that's pathetic. I'm a DH and what I accomplish in one hour, it would take multiple hours for my DW. And I do all the cooking (and cleanup).
Yes, there are many Dads out there like me because I know them.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 16:06
Subject: Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Start by making him responsible for most of the house tasks. If he can’t handle that, he can’t handle the kid.
My dh is very hands on with the kids and he’s also not afraid to get in there and wash dishes whenever they need it. I think they’re connected.
This is great advice. My guess is that he will feel like he’s handling 50% when it’s more like 25%. This is great to reset expectations because if you’re trying to ramp your career he’s going to have to step up at home too. Don’t start trying until the split is closer to him handling 75% of household responsibilities. Being pregnant is exhausting so he should be stepping up regardless. This is good practice.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:59
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
It will be 75% when he thinks moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is = to folding and putting it away.
It will be 75% when he thinks showing up to the school play is = to making the costume for the play
Men's math is historically bad.
+1. There's a SAHD in a SAHP group I'm in, and even without working he can't handle running a household. His wife had to hire a nanny to take care of the kids with him.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:46
Subject: Husband as default parent?
Unless he takes on an equal amount of the domestic work you two have today without being asked / conjoled / managed to do it - I would not risk it.
My husband would say all the right things and truly want to deliver on a commitment to do 50/50 but at the end of the day he doesn't have the personality for it. He's blind to domestic work that needs to be done, seems incapable of advanced planning to make things run smoothly, and is not the type to research anything about a kid or their needs (at 11 months he flipped our car seat forward facing b/c "it seemed more comfortable" - it never even occurred to him there might be a guideline on that to google)
I believe he would be very sincere when making the promises to me but then be incapable of delivering (due to personality, the way he was raised, "being male", his particular skillset - who knows why but that's him). If you have any doubt on your husbands ability to deliver and you'll be miserable if you're stuck with the work, don't have a kid.
My husband would say all the right things and truly want to deliver on a commitment to do 50/50 but at the end of the day he doesn't have the personality for it. He's blind to domestic work that needs to be done, seems incapable of advanced planning to make things run smoothly, and is not the type to research anything about a kid or their needs (at 11 months he flipped our car seat forward facing b/c "it seemed more comfortable" - it never even occurred to him there might be a guideline on that to google)
I believe he would be very sincere when making the promises to me but then be incapable of delivering (due to personality, the way he was raised, "being male", his particular skillset - who knows why but that's him). If you have any doubt on your husbands ability to deliver and you'll be miserable if you're stuck with the work, don't have a kid.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:42
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
My husband and I made the switch. Once he retired from his military career, he became the default parent. He does 75% of the house and kids work. It works for us.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:39
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Don't have kids. Save your sanity and your figure.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:39
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
It will be 75% when he thinks moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is = to folding and putting it away.
It will be 75% when he thinks showing up to the school play is = to making the costume for the play
Men's math is historically bad.
The classic DCUM Strawman Husband. Thankfully I've never met any DHs that are like that.
You must not get out much.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:35
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
It will be 75% when he thinks moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is = to folding and putting it away.
It will be 75% when he thinks showing up to the school play is = to making the costume for the play
Men's math is historically bad.
The classic DCUM Strawman Husband. Thankfully I've never met any DHs that are like that.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:22
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
It will be 75% when he thinks moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer is = to folding and putting it away.
It will be 75% when he thinks showing up to the school play is = to making the costume for the play
Men's math is historically bad.
Anonymous
11/29/2018 15:07
Subject: Re:Husband as default parent?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.
She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.
Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").
Or all of the redoubling of efforts relating to "I have to fix what he did" kind of stuff.
Or maybe she doesn't give the necessary credit to any of the things he does. In other words, something that makes up the 50% in DH's eyes might be 30% in DW's eyes.