NP here. Jewish. We had a (for us) fancy Bat Mitzvah for DD. But, we did not have clothing giveaways. That seemed tacky (and from my perspective, expensive).

As for the exclusions, the key thing is the side of the school: DD went to a public school with 600 kids in the grade. We were not inviting 600 kids, most of whom dd did not know. What we did do was invite all of her friends (all 7 of them) plus the kids from ES that were in the MS, plus her camp bunk. Her camp bunk mostly did not show -- all complained the drive across the Potomac to Tysons was too far. We ended up with 20 kids and about 80 adults.

Now, if it is a school with 60 kids in grade, you either invite less than half or all of them. It is that simple.

Were not Jewish, but have been to a few elaborate ones. So tacky and screams "hey I have over indulged brats and am insecure and need to flaunt my wealth". It doesn't even seem to be a religious ceremony, but more a wedding reception.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is awesome OP! As a Jew, I am pretty disgusted with what the bar mitzvah scene has turned into. Back when I had one it was about the service, family-especially the elderly and with friends-I invited EVERYONE in my class. My parents kept the food for kids low budget, but felt it was not right to exclude. Now it is getting so obnoxious-who's in who's not, over the top parties for over-indulged kids and then shirts to rub it in to anyone NOT invited.

Good post. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is awesome OP! As a Jew, I am pretty disgusted with what the bar mitzvah scene has turned into. Back when I had one it was about the service, family-especially the elderly and with friends-I invited EVERYONE in my class. My parents kept the food for kids low budget, but felt it was not right to exclude. Now it is getting so obnoxious-who's in who's not, over the top parties for over-indulged kids and then shirts to rub it in to anyone NOT invited.

FWIW, most bar mitzvahs that classmates of my kids (including my kids) were inclusive of their whole grades.

OP how do you know about the sweatshirts and Instagram? Please tell me your kid is telling you and that you’re not following this on social media yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweatshirts?? That's a bit much.

NP here - All of it seems to be a bit much. At my DD’s last Mitzvah each guest was given a quarter zip fleece-lined sweatshirt with the Mitzvah logo on the front and back. Oh, and pockets.

Just another way for guests to flaunt their social capital. Pretty gross.

+1

It's very disturbing.

Anonymous wrote:Sweatshirts?? That's a bit much.

T-shirts are more common, but sweatshirts are still within the realm of normal.

Anonymous wrote:Sweatshirts?? That's a bit much.

NP here - All of it seems to be a bit much. At my DD’s last Mitzvah each guest was given a quarter zip fleece-lined sweatshirt with the Mitzvah logo on the front and back. Oh, and pockets.

Just another way for guests to flaunt their social capital. Pretty gross.

Sweatshirts?? That's a bit much.

Smart move by the non-invited - take the money you would have given as a gift to someone clearly not even a friend and spend it on yourself doing something fun!!

I’m very sorry op, and your daughter sounds great.

Newsflash to everyone, unfortunately, exclusion happens all the way through high school and it still hurts. Social competition never seems to end, especially in the age of social media.

I'm one of the Jews who posted already, but I just hate it. It reflects poorly on our religion. Either make it a modest celebration and just invite a few close friends without the show-off gifts or do your big display of wealth and invite EVERY child especially if you are giving out shirts and other gifts that highlight who was invited. Do we really want to kids to think of Jewish celebrations as events where excluding others and making them feel less than is acceptable? It's so not what our faith and people are about!

Anonymous wrote:Why do parents let their kids exclude other children in their class? It's so tacky and shitty. Just extend the invitation and be kind.

Because the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a middle school teacher and the only thing I don't like about my work is seeing how tough the Bar/Bat Mitzvah scene can be for kids who are excluded. Your daughter is handling this situation with resilience and grace, OP. Good for her! You might just want to mention to her that you're impressed by the way she reached out to her friends to create a fun evening for them. That would also give her an opening to talk about how she feels, but even if she doesn't, she'll know you're proud.

+1

Excellent job, OP mom and daughter. Outstanding all around.

I'm a middle school teacher and the only thing I don't like about my work is seeing how tough the Bar/Bat Mitzvah scene can be for kids who are excluded. Your daughter is handling this situation with resilience and grace, OP. Good for her! You might just want to mention to her that you're impressed by the way she reached out to her friends to create a fun evening for them. That would also give her an opening to talk about how she feels, but even if she doesn't, she'll know you're proud.