Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why weren't you and your cousin helping out?

I tutor the elementary school age kids of new immigrant families at my church two Saturdays a month while the parents take basic English lessons. My cousin was watching her eight month old baby away from dust, chemicals, and the cold air.

Given your cousin doesn't work, maybe the fiance could've used the Saturday to spend with his child, and your cousin could've helped her mother caulk doors.

I'm guessing the guy is panicking because he's 23 and has a child and is feeling pressured to marry into a family that feels oppressive/suffocating and that has very strict view of the roles in the family. I have a strong suspicion this guy doesn't actually want to get married.

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

Really? Is this how you think families behave? I feel sorry for you.

Anonymous wrote:Why weren't you and your cousin helping out?

I tutor the elementary school age kids of new immigrant families at my church two Saturdays a month while the parents take basic English lessons. My cousin was watching her eight month old baby away from dust, chemicals, and the cold air.

Why weren't you and your cousin helping out?

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

She is in a tough place financially right now as a result of a job loss. At 55, it is hard to find full time work. She’s working two PT retail positions. Even the Taskrabbit quotes for the work yesterday were going to be a stretch. The house is paid off and she’s lived there her whole life in a safe and supportive neighborhood. She could reasonably age in place there for twenty years and leave the house to her daughter.

No one was required to help out. “Ben” could have refused at the outset. Instead, he said yes, accomplished basically nothing, threw a teenaged tantrum, and left early. DH and the other men finished easily and had a nice beer afterwards. It could have been a good bonding experience for “Ben” who seems to feel like an outsider still after almost two years. Based on a PP, I think that maybe “Ben” doesn’t know how to do some household repairs like caulking and was embarrassed. Like a teen, he thought it saved face to call these tasks stupid rather than ask for or accept help. I think life is hard enough without closing off yourself to help or learning from others.

Yes, he is immature.

23 years old and has a kid and isn't married. Winterizing a house yourself and not hiring it out. I am guessing your folk are not from around here.

I'd suggest therapy, but if it is successful, he'll probably realize that he shouldn't even be getting married and that might suck for your cousin.

I'd stay out of the drama. Not everybody enjoys helping out extended families. Just tell your husband to keep leading by example and not judging this guy.

At 23 I had a job, lived in an apartment, and hung out with my friends-- a lot. I would not have wanted to spend the day winterizing grandma's house with my cousins-in-law to be. In fact, I don't know how to do anything like that, not my skillset.

Sounds like he has a pretty severe degree of emotional immaturiy and really needs to get in to some counselling to deal with his boundary setting issues, as well as how to deal with frustration and anger. Then, cousins and he need to go to counselling together to figure out how they will deal with the fact that she is obviously tight knit with her family, and he is more or less estranged.

While I agree asking to winterize a house is a big ask, it’s whats done in some families. I doubt any of the men were super excited to be there, but sulking about it all day and stomping off is not the way to go about it. Not answering the calls of the mother of your 8 month old, just becaue you’re having a tantrum over helping, is too ridiculous for words for me.

Why isn’t MIL PAYING To have her home winterized? It sounds like it was a much bigger job then taking down some screens. If she can not take care of her house, she needs to move to a condo or apartment where EVERY male in the family is not REQUIRED to give up their Saturday to help her.

I’m not certain why you’re concerned your DH husband used the term “anger issues” versus “immature.” The end result is the same; your DH didn’t like his behavior and doesn’t want to spend time in his company.

Your DH shared his impression of this young man, and has decided he wants to keep his distance; that’s just fine. He can have empathy for what the guy has gone through without wanting to tolerate his behavior or have a close relationship with him.

I don’t think you need to “write him off”; you can be polite and kind and continue to model healthy family life. You certainly don’t have to be close with him.

Asking him to winterize a house is a big ask! It’s also skilled labor, for the most part...putting shingles on a roof, plumbing work, etc. The “men in my family” might help someone move, but would be ill-equipped to winterize a home. That being said, yes, this kid is immature and obviously handles himself very poorly.

Anonymous wrote:Assigning someone duties they don't want to do, then getting on them about it when they complain about it, and labeling them dysfunctional, and not allowing them to be upset about doing something they clearly don't want to, is annoying. Seems like he can't even disagree or complain about anything because you all think he's dysfunctional if he does. He was pissed off, left, and you think he should have gone straight home to his family instead of blow off steam, and then return home? You say his life sucks. Sounds like it will suck so much more when he marries into your family.

Two hours of no contact is a very long time for an adult to be that upset over volunteering time to help their MIL. Most adults wouldn’t get that upset over it, but if they did, they respond to a text saying “Are you okay? Please answer!”

Assigning someone duties they don't want to do, then getting on them about it when they complain about it, and labeling them dysfunctional, and not allowing them to be upset about doing something they clearly don't want to, is annoying. Seems like he can't even disagree or complain about anything because you all think he's dysfunctional if he does. He was pissed off, left, and you think he should have gone straight home to his family instead of blow off steam, and then return home? You say his life sucks. Sounds like it will suck so much more when he marries into your family.

Anonymous wrote:Your family sounds really annoying, and dramatic. Why does it take all the men in the family to caulk and fix windows and doors? That is not how I would want to spend a Saturday, especially not if I had an 8 month old at home. Move on. MYOB

Annoying to do helpful things for less fortunate relatives? Hmmm...Ok.

I don’t know how many men you think my family has, but it was four other men. Also, if you’ve ever put shingles on a roof, you know it’s not a one person job. He also didn’t go home to his son after his temper tantrum.

Anonymous wrote:He spent hours helping and the other guys still gave him a hard time. Of course he was aggravated and didnt want to spend more time with them!

Actually, he didn’t spend hours helping. He moved around between three different tasks for about an hour, but didn’t accomplish much in any of them. When offered help in finishing a task, he complained that it was stupid or too difficult, so they let him pick something else. He also could have declined the beer and kept working. Instead, he stormed off, then ignored his fiancee’s calls and texts for hours. Like I said, immature.

He spent hours helping and the other guys still gave him a hard time. Of course he was aggravated and didnt want to spend more time with them!