Anonymous wrote:
Can we accept that some children on the spectrum desperately want friends?
And that others do not?
My child fits in the latter category, but I know others in the former.

OK, thank you.

This is the only reasonable post on this subject. DC is friends with a child who has Asperger's who has friends the same age and is socially motivated. DC has also come across other children with the condition who don't care to socialize.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your input. I appreciate everyone who spent time responding. It's especially comforting to hear from parents of older HFA kids. We are not new on autism and DS had ABA/floortime/RDI/ST/OT ... and benefited tremendously from the interventions. It's easy to facilitate everything when he's young because we were sure we knew better than he did and the decision we made can only do good to him. It's much trickier now. Are we staying back too much to miss some valuable opportunities? Or are we doing something out of good intention but useless or even damaging on him. In any case, getting in the HFA "circle" will help. Any information on this? TIA

Try XMinds. They may be able to connect you with other parents who have children your DC's age.

Anonymous wrote:
Can we accept that some children on the spectrum desperately want friends?
And that others do not?
My child fits in the latter category, but I know others in the former.

OK, thank you.

As long as you accept that social impairment is the hallmark trait of autism. Too many parents here try to deny thar fact.

Even when an Asperger's person is able to marry, it can come off the rails after the kids are born. Happening to two friends right now.

NP in similar situation. I'm interested in hearing from BTDT parents—what do you wish you would have done? Or what do you wish you hadn't worried so much about?

OP here. Thank you for your input. I appreciate everyone who spent time responding. It's especially comforting to hear from parents of older HFA kids. We are not new on autism and DS had ABA/floortime/RDI/ST/OT ... and benefited tremendously from the interventions. It's easy to facilitate everything when he's young because we were sure we knew better than he did and the decision we made can only do good to him. It's much trickier now. Are we staying back too much to miss some valuable opportunities? Or are we doing something out of good intention but useless or even damaging on him. In any case, getting in the HFA "circle" will help. Any information on this? TIA

I meant must NOT..take the place

Anonymous wrote:
Can we accept that some children on the spectrum desperately want friends?
And that others do not?
My child fits in the latter category, but I know others in the former.

OK, thank you.

I agree with this. I would also say that all kids need some connection with peers. It is good that OPs child connects in structured settings. I would gently push toward more. All kids don't need tons of friends coming over and hanging out, but we do have to push for continued improvement of social skills. It will help them in school, jobs, life.

It's great for kids to chat with adults too, but that must take the place of social connections with kids in your age range (can be younger by a year or two or 3 sometimes too). The kid who goes on and on and on about say washing machines might seem cute to an adult and that adult might reinforce it too much, whereas a kid would only take so much before telling the kid to shut up...and that is actually a good thing. Our kids have to be able to talk about all different topics, read social cues, find topics that interest others. A kid will tell you when you are rude, hurtful, smelly, etc whereas an adult who isn't your mom or dad may not. We don't want people to politely tolerate our kids we want them to have those who want to be around them.

Now it is fine not to be Mr. Popular. You do need social connections outside of structured settings.

Can we accept that some children on the spectrum desperately want friends?
And that others do not?
My child fits in the latter category, but I know others in the former.

OK, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

Beyond textbook definition, this is what five of the moms whose children have personally shared in our conversations. It is the parents who crave the friendship for their kids, not the kids themselves.

right. and trying to push a child to socialize in a way a parent thinks is correct could be harmful and damaging to the child. It's good to make sure your child builds social skills, but bad not to accept their fundamental nature.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

Decreased social motivation or differences in response to social stimuli is absolutely a core autism feature. That doesn't mean NO motivation. But it definitely is less or different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

No, it is you my friend you are ignorant. Not all Autistic people want friends. My dd is happy to talk to someone but, does indeed does not crave friends like my NT dd does. My HFA will say to me I don't get Sarah wanting a best friend. And yet she is happy and gets socialization when she is in class and doing an activity. She had an internship and did very well.

I get it that the op wants her kid to want to have friends ( as I did too) but, I wouldn't push it. We did the socialization classes and she became an expert in the 'right' answer but, still has little desire. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she also has trouble remembering faces so she is embarrassed if she can't remember them ( just a guess though)

There is a place for everyone in this world, including your son and my dd.

Does the MCPS aspergers program have an emailing-list? I want to connect with other parents for information.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group

Beyond textbook definition, this is what five of the moms whose children have personally shared in our conversations. It is the parents who crave the friendship for their kids, not the kids themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do feel this is a “won’t” not a “can’t “ thing because he interacts with other kids fine during class or activities. He had kids to want him to be part of their team or join them for lunch but most of time just said “no” politely and went on his own. He rejected the ideas of having parties or asking someone over, zero phone or social media conversations outside school. I get it to respect him being his unique self but can’t help worrying about the consequences in the long run. Should I push him to socialize more even it’s against his will? Explaining why it’s important to try to make friends doesn’t motivate him. Arranging “play dates” for him is age-inappropriate. Tia for any suggestions.

Mom of HFA kid here again. We do still arrange play dates. Some of them are outings like going to the Nats game. Wrong time of year for that now but you get iget the idea: “would Johnny like to join Larlo at the Nats game two weeks from Sunday? We’d love to have him!”

Have a 10 yo and so far the only kids in our peer circle who have their own phones are kids of divorce. So parents still communicate to arrange things (based on kid interest of course).

Where to find the “circle”? Any email-list or yahoo group? TIA

Anonymous wrote:AI is autism, CI is cognitive impairment.

The core deficit of autism is a decreased desire and/ or ability for social engagement. That is what OP is seeing. OP can seek out social skills training, but from what I have seen the doesn't move the needle on an actual desire to hang out with other kids. The sole exception is if the child wants to do some shared video game.

Holy cow! No. It. Is. Not.
Stop spreading false information about autism.
Autistic kids WANT friends as much as other children.


You are so incredibly ignorant here, im guessing you are part of the CI group