Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

I suspect this is a teen. You can absolutely take away a phone for a period of time or switch to a flip phone. This is called setting boundaries and young people need boundaries and consequences to develop into decent adults. Yes, I absolutely would be this alarmed if it were a boy. Do you have any idea how many young adults out there are wondering why they can't get jobs, or are rejected at their college of choice that was a shoe in because they were morons online. Nothing wrong with teens being curious about sex and talking about it. What OP found was highly concerning and needs to be addressed. There also needs to be consequences.

Do you go to church? Kids that don't do to church fall through the cracks more than those that do. The soul needs to know that it is valuable and loved by God even more than the earth. Secular strategies and parenting strategies are good but not as effective in the deepest areas of the soul. Kids and adults will fill the hole in their soul with something else if left empty of God. They will often fill it with sex, alchohol and drugs also sometimes other addictions like working out body worship, accumulation of money and possessions etc. When the soul has God the life is more peaceful and less chaotic.

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

I have a son and I would come down harder on him for that kind of online behavior.

In today's climate, that kind of online behavior could brand a boy as a predator for the rest of his life, while a girl has a 50/50 chance of a very different perception of her behavior.

OP, I have worked with this age group. My advice to anyone who gives their kid a phone, computer, etc is to be checking those accounts. OFTEN. This is not the age to just trust all will be well. They are not adults and tweens and teens in some ways can be less trustworthy than say a 7 year old. If you never find anything, maybe you can spread it out the time between checks, but there must be regular checks. I have seen it all and even the most innocent seeming top student could be planning to meet up a stbux with her internet boyfriend who claims he is a teen too. People seem to be so afraid of being a "helicopter" that they don't think logically about development. What is still in the normal range for teens is considered in the psychological disorder range for adults.

Talk about sex openly. Don't do the whole you are too young thing. I would say to her it is totally normal to be curious about sex. You want to make sure she is as informed as possible about safety so have a doctor talk about it all from pregnancy to STDs. Use an open and calm tone and manner, but you can absolutely share your values and concerns. I would certainly not give permission for promiscuity, just don't shut the door to conversation.

Absolutely talk about how we behave online, the permanence of some of this stuff and how it can affect future employment and how even deleted messages can be found. There is a good chance some of friends' parents saw those messages. If she is trying to say get a babysitting job there is a chance someone found that researching her. People think they are so clever using fake names, etc, but if you are savvy it's not hard to find the dirt people put out there.

I don't think it is unreasonable to switch to flip phone and have consequences, just don't close the door to talking about sex. She can find a way if she is determined and she needs to be as informed as possible about safety and possible consequences.

Most important take away though: monitor what your kids do online. Do not assume anything. Their brains are not fully developed and hormones are raging. You don't want them making mistakes now that screw up their future.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her your went on her accounts and read through her snap chat messages. Maybe print them out, if you can and read them aloud to her. Basically make her really uncomfortable and horrified. She’s at the age where actions matter. There are real consequences. Let her feel the horror and weight of her words. I wouldn’t necessarily punish her, but I would take away Snapchat and let her use it once she’s mature enough to use it.

I do think kids go through a stage and say really stupid meaningless gross sex crap. They’re just asserting their independence. Remind her you know this. But also remind her it’s wrong wrong wrong to do it on social media.

This is good.

I would also notify the school and let them know which stairwell/corridor/janitor'scloset/locker room the kids are recommending as the best place to sneak sex during school

Did you have a talk about expectations of online behavior before she got these accounts? If so (and she has violated them) close the accounts, increase supervision. If not,have that talk now and increase supervision online and real life.

My first reaction was that if I found this out about my kid, there would be shock, horror, punishment, etc. I actually think you have to be very calm. What you want to do is keep a good relationship with your daughter. Don't humiliate her so that she no longer feels like she has your respect or could never earn it back, don't make her feel like she's a fallen woman. Talk to her about the sex stuff as normal feelings, but that she shouldn't act on them because she's too young. Disaggregate the social media part and the crude language. Explain why, even if she likes to talk to that, it's bad to have that in written form out on social media, and that because you are her mother you are going to put more controls on that until she's mature enough to make these long-lasting decisions on her own. Do it from practical point of view rather than moral. You can discuss the moral part too, but just don't make her feel like she's a hopeless cause. Instead, make her feel like she is better than being portrayed like this and you just want that other part to shine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Number one reason why I would never get my kid a phone besides a Jitterbug. They really truly only need to call parents, 2 friends and emergency at that age. Mine has an old phone and watches You Tube all weekend. We take it on week days. She cannot make calls or do social media. But she is 11. I would do what your daughter did at that age because I was devious, sneaky, and wanted freedom to act on naughty fantasies. That is a naughty girl thing. She is that person whether you like it or not. It would be best to inform, talk and show her real instances of where that can lead like sex trafficking, abortion, pregnancy, std's and the reputation of a whore. Show her real images or videos of that stuff. Scare the shit out of her, as kids in the cushy burbs often think they can survive as a traffick victim in DC but would not make it one day.

pp here- I wouldn't put it in exactly those terms, but I'm agreeing. I mentioned earlier that you may want to talk to her about the tangible downsides of this behavior. Disease, pregnancy, reputation (that can be more widespread and longer lived than just her school in this day and age), the actual physical danger she could be putting herself in with these kinds of online statements, etc.

The reality is that the love, trust, committed relationship, mature people talk doesn't cut through the teen hormones and some kids, like some adults, are more prone to take risks. You should have that conversation too- but the practical issues are persuasive.

Lol. Ditto. I was a wild child but my Mom showing me a live birth of a family friend, babysitting pro bono for a teen Mom in the projects, and my uncle who was a warden taking me to a womens prison scared me straight. I cut that crap out and my grades went back to all As and my focus back on college. 14 was a TOUGH year.

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

Yes, I would have this reaction--I don't believe in locker room talk because it trends toward disrespect. My DS started repeating some of the things his MS friends were saying at school and he got to have a long "think" about it.

Yes, I agree that OP's DD may not be acting on it, but making these statements online is damaging in and of itself.

Anonymous wrote:Number one reason why I would never get my kid a phone besides a Jitterbug. They really truly only need to call parents, 2 friends and emergency at that age. Mine has an old phone and watches You Tube all weekend. We take it on week days. She cannot make calls or do social media. But she is 11. I would do what your daughter did at that age because I was devious, sneaky, and wanted freedom to act on naughty fantasies. That is a naughty girl thing. She is that person whether you like it or not. It would be best to inform, talk and show her real instances of where that can lead like sex trafficking, abortion, pregnancy, std's and the reputation of a whore. Show her real images or videos of that stuff. Scare the shit out of her, as kids in the cushy burbs often think they can survive as a traffick victim in DC but would not make it one day.

pp here- I wouldn't put it in exactly those terms, but I'm agreeing. I mentioned earlier that you may want to talk to her about the tangible downsides of this behavior. Disease, pregnancy, reputation (that can be more widespread and longer lived than just her school in this day and age), the actual physical danger she could be putting herself in with these kinds of online statements, etc.

The reality is that the love, trust, committed relationship, mature people talk doesn't cut through the teen hormones and some kids, like some adults, are more prone to take risks. You should have that conversation too- but the practical issues are persuasive.

There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

Number one reason why I would never get my kid a phone besides a Jitterbug. They really truly only need to call parents, 2 friends and emergency at that age. Mine has an old phone and watches You Tube all weekend. We take it on week days. She cannot make calls or do social media. But she is 11. I would do what your daughter did at that age because I was devious, sneaky, and wanted freedom to act on naughty fantasies. That is a naughty girl thing. She is that person whether you like it or not. It would be best to inform, talk and show her real instances of where that can lead like sex trafficking, abortion, pregnancy, std's and the reputation of a whore. Show her real images or videos of that stuff. Scare the shit out of her, as kids in the cushy burbs often think they can survive as a traffick victim in DC but would not make it one day.

Have you taken her for a check up with her pediatrician recently? You might flag some of this when you make an appointment, and see if the Dr. can talk to her about safe sex, etc. - if you have one you like/trust. Definitely talk to her yourself too, but sometimes kids listen more to others, and might be more willing to ask questions of a trusted doctor than their parents - this stuff can be really embarassing to talk to your parents about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to her about sex yet?

How much is hormonal ranging teen talk, daydreaming, and sexual curiosity VERSES reality?

You sound delusional.
The kid is clearly headed for trouble and maybe a few STDs and abortions.

You sound uninformed. What’s it like living under a rock? Damp I'm assuming.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying anything other than it seems ridiculous to me that a 14-yr-old has "devices and accounts, passwords, usernames." There is no reason a child needs those things.

Okay, granny