When I realized I'd be happier alone forever than staying in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a good dad, but he was yelling at me all the time. I couldn’t seem to do anything right and I couldn’t make him happy anymore. I was getting dressed down in public, in front of the kids, you name it. And then my kids were picking up the behavior and my sweet children were suddenly yelling and berating each other and their friends. That’s when I decided no more. We did therapy, he went to anger management classes. But even still, I was done. He blames me entirely. He says if I could only have forgiven him we would be fine.

Why do people say "he was a good dad, but" and then describe a terrible dad?

+1. Good dads are not abusive toward their wives. Men who are abusive to wives are, by definition, bad parents.

So women who cheat or deny their husbands sex are also bad parents?

Yes, women who cheat are bad parents. Lying to and manipulating your partner is abusive.

Women who deny sex are not bad parents. The man knows he is being denied sex and is free to have an open and explicit conversation about the future terms of the marriage and/or divorce.

I am so tired of the “woman who doesn’t have sex with her husband is abusive” trope. Do you have female children? Do you want your girl child to live in a world where her body is not her own and she is not allowed to say “no” to her husband?

Divorce and split custody is not per se bad. It is the lying, the manipulation, the prioritization of a fantasy world and other traits that leak our into other relationships that are bad.

There are a million legitimate reasons why married couples don’t have sex. Equating that to the abuse of cheating is offensive, IMO. We live in a post-marital rape world. Men don’t have an absolute right to sex from their wives anymore.

I love sex, and I agree that a sexless marriage is unlikely to last long term because sex is a human need. But it’s not abusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


>What was it that finally let you come to terms with the fact that it was over?

This took a long time because she had fallen in love with someone else but didn’t have the guts the end the marriage. I was too wrapped up in wanting to save the marriage to see how that just wasn’t going to happen. What bought me back to earth was seeing texts that indicated she loved someone else more than she had ever loved me along with her inability to break off the affair.

> And, if you had kids, how did you deal with the pain of a joint custody arrangement where you would no longer see them every night? The thought of that seems too painful to bear.

My youngest was 3 when we split. I didn’t have a choice but this is the hardest, particularly when the kids are crying for there mother.

With hindsight I would say if you’re done then then pull the trigger and leave. Freedom is priceless and I’m grateful because I’ve met someone else.

Damn, friend. Are you me?

exDW left me for another. While we would try to reconcile, I also know he was out there trying for her as well. Our reconciliation attempts would naturally always fail and she professed her love to another. It wasn't until I started the "I want a divorce" discussion did she start to panic. She loved having her cake and eating it and after 2 years of this yoyo back and forth, I had enough. Yet with 2 young kids and joint physical custody, I was dealt with the "I miss mommy" outcries on a weekly basis.

QP here - I meant to add...I wish I had ended it earlier.

Anonymous wrote:


>What was it that finally let you come to terms with the fact that it was over?

This took a long time because she had fallen in love with someone else but didn’t have the guts the end the marriage. I was too wrapped up in wanting to save the marriage to see how that just wasn’t going to happen. What bought me back to earth was seeing texts that indicated she loved someone else more than she had ever loved me along with her inability to break off the affair.

> And, if you had kids, how did you deal with the pain of a joint custody arrangement where you would no longer see them every night? The thought of that seems too painful to bear.

My youngest was 3 when we split. I didn’t have a choice but this is the hardest, particularly when the kids are crying for there mother.

With hindsight I would say if you’re done then then pull the trigger and leave. Freedom is priceless and I’m grateful because I’ve met someone else.

Damn, friend. Are you me?

exDW left me for another. While we would try to reconcile, I also know he was out there trying for her as well. Our reconciliation attempts would naturally always fail and she professed her love to another. It wasn't until I started the "I want a divorce" discussion did she start to panic. She loved having her cake and eating it and after 2 years of this yoyo back and forth, I had enough. Yet with 2 young kids and joint physical custody, I was dealt with the "I miss mommy" outcries on a weekly basis.

We didn’t have kids, so it was easier, but I would get really sad laying in bed alone at night (he worked night shift) and thinking “50 more years of this?”

I’m so much happier now. I’m remarried, but I was so much happier even alone.

When I found out she was cheating, I wanted to leave but we had a two year old whom I couldn't imagine not seeing everyday. I told her to cut the guy off and we'd do counseling. A week later, I asked her if she cut the guy off. She lied so well--even cried about how much I meant to her. I would've believed her if I hadn't seen the emails and phone records over the past week. I felt this rage building up in me and I seriously wanted to hurt her. I've never hit a woman, but it felt possible in that moment so I packed my stuff and moved out. In the days that followed I realized that even if she cut the guy off, she lied so well that I'd never trust her again. I'd never respect her again either. I'd be bitter and resentful, and my daughter would grow up seeing that. I'd rather co-parent than have her grow up in that environment.

I know I deserve a divorce, but totally not ready for it. If spouse knew what I knew he'd divorce me for sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I came home and Bubba was balls deep in my wife...

At your house? Shameful.

I know, she could have been kind enough to get a hotel room and walked in the front door a little bow legged

If she did that you'd all complain she was stealing. At least she was being thrifty.

Little does she know, I got it all on video so when it comes time to hammer out finances, I have her by the short hairs!

Why will that matter ? Courts couldn’t care less. I sympathize as my ex cheated but you have to realize no one else gives a rats arse

Sure it will matter... Trust me and have a nice day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a good dad, but he was yelling at me all the time. I couldn’t seem to do anything right and I couldn’t make him happy anymore. I was getting dressed down in public, in front of the kids, you name it. And then my kids were picking up the behavior and my sweet children were suddenly yelling and berating each other and their friends. That’s when I decided no more. We did therapy, he went to anger management classes. But even still, I was done. He blames me entirely. He says if I could only have forgiven him we would be fine.

Why do people say "he was a good dad, but" and then describe a terrible dad?

+1. Good dads are not abusive toward their wives. Men who are abusive to wives are, by definition, bad parents.

So women who cheat or deny their husbands sex are also bad parents?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I came home and Bubba was balls deep in my wife...

At your house? Shameful.

I know, she could have been kind enough to get a hotel room and walked in the front door a little bow legged

If she did that you'd all complain she was stealing. At least she was being thrifty.

Little does she know, I got it all on video so when it comes time to hammer out finances, I have her by the short hairs!

Why will that matter ? Courts couldn’t care less. I sympathize as my ex cheated but you have to realize no one else gives a rats arse

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I came home and Bubba was balls deep in my wife...

At your house? Shameful.

I know, she could have been kind enough to get a hotel room and walked in the front door a little bow legged

If she did that you'd all complain she was stealing. At least she was being thrifty.

Little does she know, I got it all on video so when it comes time to hammer out finances, I have her by the short hairs!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I came home and Bubba was balls deep in my wife...

At your house? Shameful.

I know, she could have been kind enough to get a hotel room and walked in the front door a little bow legged

If she did that you'd all complain she was stealing. At least she was being thrifty.

I was ready for divorced when I found out the first time my now ex was cheating. I didn't actually pull the trigger until later for a variety of reasons.

How do I deal with the pain of not having full custody of my kids? By knowing that a healthy life 50% of the time is far better than living with a messed up parent 100% of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a good dad, but he was yelling at me all the time. I couldn’t seem to do anything right and I couldn’t make him happy anymore. I was getting dressed down in public, in front of the kids, you name it. And then my kids were picking up the behavior and my sweet children were suddenly yelling and berating each other and their friends. That’s when I decided no more. We did therapy, he went to anger management classes. But even still, I was done. He blames me entirely. He says if I could only have forgiven him we would be fine.

Why do people say "he was a good dad, but" and then describe a terrible dad?

+1. Good dads are not abusive toward their wives. Men who are abusive to wives are, by definition, bad parents.

Anonymous wrote:He is a good dad, but he was yelling at me all the time. I couldn’t seem to do anything right and I couldn’t make him happy anymore. I was getting dressed down in public, in front of the kids, you name it. And then my kids were picking up the behavior and my sweet children were suddenly yelling and berating each other and their friends. That’s when I decided no more. We did therapy, he went to anger management classes. But even still, I was done. He blames me entirely. He says if I could only have forgiven him we would be fine.

Why do people say "he was a good dad, but" and then describe a terrible dad?