Anonymous wrote:I'm seeing it. DW and I have a pretty good relationship I thought. DW has a friend that does nothing but complain about her husband. DW tells me how her friend says her husband is too fat, lazy etc. After about a month I noticed DW starting to nit pick and not be happy with me. At this point I've just stopped listening. Our DCs have noticed and I do my best to tell them everything is all right. I've asked her to keep her voice down because the kids hear her yelling, she doesn't listen. I've pointed out that this all started shortly after her friend started complaining, but she doesn't think so

"Monkey-see, monkey-do" is a thing for some women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next door neighbors were divorced last year. Now a friend down the street is getting divorced after a 30 year marriage. And with our last child out of the house, we are talking about separating.

I think what happens is you see other people get divorced, realize they survived it, and take the plunge.

Agree.

Completely agree.

Anonymous wrote:

If you are worried that someone else's divorce might end your marriage, your marriage is probably on the rocks already.

You seem smug.

I’m not the PP but I agree with them and it’s not to make someone else feel bad. People don’t just decide overnight to end it. I wholeheartedly agree that this theory is probably because people see that others can indeed carry on and live a full, happy life, even divorced. Conversely, the people who are inspired to fix their marriage might have seen friends drug though the mud or struggling through a very contentious divorce. But you’re not going to just up and divorce because your friends do.

Nope, my divorce had the opposite effect. It spurred a number of friends, and several acquaintances, to fix issues in their marriages. They have all stayed together and I’m quite happy for them.

And my divorce had nothing to do with anyone else’s divorce. In fact, other than some distant cousins or very casual acquaintances, I didn’t know anyone divorced. The same seems to be true for most divorced people I’ve met.

If you are worried that someone else's divorce might end your marriage, your marriage is probably on the rocks already.

You seem smug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you believe this, do you distance yourself from your circle of friends when you see the "divorce contagion" setting in? I see this happening now in my community, and I struggle between being there for my friends and protecting my own marriage.

No because I have a happy marriage.

I think people are not seeing the flip side here. If you have that shaky marriage, there is a lot of peer pressure to not admit defeat when all your friends are still married. Our close friends went through a rough patch and while they were in it they had dinner with us every single Friday night. I’m sure it’s part of why they stayed together.

Bingo. If you are worried that someone else's divorce might end your marriage, your marriage is probably on the rocks already.

Anonymous wrote:I'm seeing it. DW and I have a pretty good relationship I thought. DW has a friend that does nothing but complain about her husband. DW tells me how her friend says her husband is too fat, lazy etc. After about a month I noticed DW starting to nit pick and not be happy with me. At this point I've just stopped listening. Our DCs have noticed and I do my best to tell them everything is all right. I've asked her to keep her voice down because the kids hear her yelling, she doesn't listen. I've pointed out that this all started shortly after her friend started complaining, but she doesn't think so

Ouch

I'm seeing it. DW and I have a pretty good relationship I thought. DW has a friend that does nothing but complain about her husband. DW tells me how her friend says her husband is too fat, lazy etc. After about a month I noticed DW starting to nit pick and not be happy with me. At this point I've just stopped listening. Our DCs have noticed and I do my best to tell them everything is all right. I've asked her to keep her voice down because the kids hear her yelling, she doesn't listen. I've pointed out that this all started shortly after her friend started complaining, but she doesn't think so

My wife's best friend is basically a walking proponent for divorce. She does everything but yell at her to divorce me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A divorce in the circle won't infect a happy couple but it will push a tentative/ unhappy one over the edge

Agree with this. Bil’s best friend got a divorce. A couple of years later he did too. I don’t think their marriage was that bad. SIL was somewhat anxious and controlling, and BIL felt under appreciated. They seemed to have pretty minimal problems that most people would try counseling for. I’ve often wondered if seeing his friend come out the other side of divorce was a factor. Just sucks when their are kids involved.

Did he quickly move on to someone else?

Yep. An old high school friend. Both in their mid-forties. Been together a few years now. She seems to not ask for too much from him. They're just dating. They don't live together and there's no talk of marriage as far as I know. She doesn't have kids and seems okay with that. He has a daughter from the marriage who I believe has no idea about the girlfriend. Neither does the ex-wife.

As far as I know, they started dating when he was separated. I don't think she was the cause of the divorce, but I think she made it easier for him to go through with it, knowing he had a companion to fall back on. She's actually somewhat similar to SIL in terms of looks, but is just alot more relaxed about life. BIL often said he felt like an underappreciated employee in his marriage. He works non-standard hours (think like a police officers or hospital worker's schedule), and SIL often put expectations on him like he was a SAH spouse because he was around during the week sometimes. It just seemed like the sort of thing that could have been worked out, especially since I know SIL did not want the divorce. Part of the issue I'm sure, is that BIL and DH's mother is kinda crazy, and they both learned from a young age to not ask for anything because that will just get them yelled at. I think BIL just went along with everything until he couldn't take it anymore, and then he bailed.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that it makes me concerned for my own marriage. We're certainly not a perfect pair, but I think we're doing okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next door neighbors were divorced last year. Now a friend down the street is getting divorced after a 30 year marriage. And with our last child out of the house, we are talking about separating.

I think what happens is you see other people get divorced, realize they survived it, and take the plunge.

Agree.

I do too, but only where the marriage was already unhappy before the other couple(s) divorced.. If you’re unhappy in your marriage but afraid of the unknown of divorce, it can be reassuring to see someone else happy after divorce. It makes it less scary. For someone in a happy marriage, though, I don’t think seeing other people get divorced will suddenly make them unhappy in their own marriage.

+1. I had quite a few friends divorce around the same time (kids in early elementary/last one at least in kindergarten) and I didn’t suddenly want to divorce my DH. One thing I noticed was often the issues had been going on for awhile and it wasn’t something that people want to share if either think there is hope of working it out or they know you are in a completely different place. So it seemed sudden to me but it really was a long time in coming and folks were only more open with me about what was happening once they decided to separate.

Anonymous wrote:So if you believe this, do you distance yourself from your circle of friends when you see the "divorce contagion" setting in? I see this happening now in my community, and I struggle between being there for my friends and protecting my own marriage.

No because I have a happy marriage.

I think people are not seeing the flip side here. If you have that shaky marriage, there is a lot of peer pressure to not admit defeat when all your friends are still married. Our close friends went through a rough patch and while they were in it they had dinner with us every single Friday night. I’m sure it’s part of why they stayed together.

Anonymous wrote:So if you believe this, do you distance yourself from your circle of friends when you see the "divorce contagion" setting in? I see this happening now in my community, and I struggle between being there for my friends and protecting my own marriage.

I back away from couples who are on the rocks. If it were a really close friend, I wouldn't. But casual friends get the axe.

So if you believe this, do you distance yourself from your circle of friends when you see the "divorce contagion" setting in? I see this happening now in my community, and I struggle between being there for my friends and protecting my own marriage.

There is research on this and it's true. Same thing with suicides, incidentally.