My preschooler is mean. I try but she does not care. Nothing works. She takes things from others, bites, slaps, screams, and must manage everyone with them doing exactly what she says. We pulled her out of her 2 a week half day preschool and she is back to staying at home. We meet with kids at the park to play and other playdates and it works with other kids that are alpha like her. They have their pissing contests and they are done. Time outs work for a little bit but that is it. I am sorry your LO is going through it. I hope they pull their kids out.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should be intervening directly in the moment with the kids and saying something immediately to the teachers. You don't wait a few weeks. At that age, I would also tell the kids' parents what you are overhearing.

This is the age where they are genuinely learning (as opposed to being genuinely mean...that comes later...yay) and all the adults need to be as involved as possible to nip it in the bud. It's not hovering. It's your responsibility and every other adult's responsibility.

I am genuinely baffled that you've witnessed this multiple times and ignored it!!!! No OP. Get in there! Do Something!

Good luck.

This. Do not be afraid to jump in when necessary.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm sure you'll keep a close eye on things going forward. I had a similar situation with DS starting in the 3s and continued into the 4s, although his was physical from the get go. I waited way too long to move him, after repeatedly talking to the director/teachers to try to resolve it. Just saying, find out what your options are in case you need them later.

In my area (DC), every place has a waiting list, and I got lucky with a spot for DS at a new place in August, but his little brother is still at old place, waiting for a spot in another one.

We moved out of DC and are dealing with this in a much less crowded Metro area. I’m glad you found another spot. DC has so many wonderful opportunities, but childcare is such a stressful thing. We have options if this isn’t the right fit. I am watching very closely. This is a pre school through 12th private school. We’ve taken a wait and see attitude, but we aren’t ruling out public school.

OP - I'm sure you'll keep a close eye on things going forward. I had a similar situation with DS starting in the 3s and continued into the 4s, although his was physical from the get go. I waited way too long to move him, after repeatedly talking to the director/teachers to try to resolve it. Just saying, find out what your options are in case you need them later.

In my area (DC), every place has a waiting list, and I got lucky with a spot for DS at a new place in August, but his little brother is still at old place, waiting for a spot in another one.

Op checking back in:
I had a very good meeting with teachers this morning before school. They aren’t seeing the behavior in class, but have been shutting down consistent talk of “best friends”. Apparently this particular PS class has a case of the “you’re my best friend” “ you’re not my best friend” .
The teachers are very on top of that and redirecting with “we are all friends”. Interestingly enough, my kid chimed in with “ Abbie is my best friend” just this morning. That was the first time I had heard that, and will work on our end to also put a stop to that. The kids are just talking and don’t even really know what it means.
As for the boys from yesterday ...
I didn’t have to name names. One of the teachers had caught wind of yesterday’s events ( it was quite a commotion) . There is a dynamic between two of them carrying over from last year. My kid isn’t consistently targeted, and it isn’t happening in class. They are working with the boys, and will keep an extra eye out.

Thank you all for your input and perspective. Parenthood can really feel like hiking a dense forest. Things that should be immediately clear aren’t always. For all of DCUM’s snark, it can be a great place to get immediate and constructive feedback. You guys were really helpful. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're dealing with physically aggressive kids, then I don't understand why you would wait a few weeks to talk to the school. If it's a case of some kids not being nice, then I think you might be overreacting.

Three- and four-year-olds are just figuring out friendship, so you get a lot of kids saying "You're not my friend" when what they mean is "I don't want to play with you right now" or "I'm mad that you won't do what I want." That's totally normal, and not the same as "mean kid" behavior.

It really matters what you mean by "the treatment." Three- and four-year-olds are rarely bullies or mean kids. They are often immature, impulsive, and tactless.

Let me be specific

“ hey Larla is coming over” - said by alpha boy to group
“ quick everyone run away from her”- sidekick boy
( larla shell shocked look of rejection)
“ you stay away from us. We don’t want you” - little tag along girl
Mocking laughter as they run away


Witnessed multiple times. I’ve tried to ignore but it’s getting worse. And the group of kids seems to be expanding. What started with the alpha boy is now 5-6 kids.

I still don't understand exactly. Are the children playing in a group after class? It seems like an easy solution would be for you to take your DD straight to the car or straight home, rather than have her play for a few minutes after class.

I posted upthread about telling the teachers about this behavior. You should do that. You should also take charge of your DD and take her straight home instead of having her play with these kids, at least for the near future.

Yes I definitely had that thought today. The facility is unique and has an indoor play space on the way out. We all struggle to pull our kids out. I had caught whiffs of this behavior before. I sort of followed and eavesdropped today and got confirmation of my suspensions. Mommies and nannies are gabbing and on their phones.
I told her that not everyone wants to play with us and we go find someone who wants to play with us.
Cue 3 min later and alpha punches his sidekick in the face. I’ve no interest in foster friendships with these children, but I’m wondering if this seems early. It feels so tribal and coordinated. I understand kids are mean, and say whatever, but this isn’t that.
I’ve contacted the teacher. We meet tomorrow morning.

I've posted before, but OP, if the teachers don't take you seriously and can't resolve the behavior, I'd be looking for a new preschool. There is NO way this kind of behavior would be tolerated at our center. None. Additionally, they spend time daily on emotional development, talking empathy, feelings, etc. You want a place that does that.

This. There was some of this stuff at my kid's day care when he was in the older 3s class, mainly instigated by one kid who was otherwise nice, but clearly had learned exclusionary behavior from an older sibling or something. He was constantly telling people he didn't like them or they weren't allowed to play, and other kids would pick up on it. The teachers were always on top of it though.

Of course, if this is happening after the preschool hours end, the teachers may not be aware of it. So you should bring it to their attention so they can discuss it in class. There is also nothing wrong with nicely but firmly correcting the children in the moment. It probably feels weird because they aren't your kids, their parents are around, and it's about your kid so you wonder if you are being over-sensitive -- but you're not, and apparently no one else is going to speak up.

Lastly, I'd be looking for a new preschool if this doesn't resolve. Either the preschool culture or the parents themselves are not what you want. At our preschool, which is all day so maybe a bit different, no one is on their phone at drop off or pick up. The parents may not always be 100% aware of what their kids are doing but it's because they are talking to the teacher or socializing with each other, and they still try to keep an eye out. We've sent 2 kids there over 5 years and I've never seen anything like what you describe, either in terms of behavior or in parent obliviousness.

If this is after class, at some play area “on the way out” it isn’t clear to me it falls under the teacher’s or preschool’s purview? In which case it’s good to let them know, but really the adults responsible need to handle. If that means telling other children no thank you, we don’t speak to others that way, etc. so be it. If it continued, I’d take further steps as needed.

I’d also teach your daughter to not play with children that treat her that way though. She doesn’t need to come over to children who call her if they aren’t playing nicely. This is a good skill for her to work on, and is what I tell my boys all the tine at these ages. If someone isn’t being nice or playing nicely, you don’t need to stay there. Leave. Play with someone else. [tell the teacher but not clear that applies here]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should be intervening directly in the moment with the kids and saying something immediately to the teachers. You don't wait a few weeks. At that age, I would also tell the kids' parents what you are overhearing.

This is the age where they are genuinely learning (as opposed to being genuinely mean...that comes later...yay) and all the adults need to be as involved as possible to nip it in the bud. It's not hovering. It's your responsibility and every other adult's responsibility.

I am genuinely baffled that you've witnessed this multiple times and ignored it!!!! No OP. Get in there! Do Something!

Good luck.

Op here: I feel so weird about intervening with the other mom’s kids. We’ve moved to a new town, and I’m feeling really socially off kilter myself.
But I would say today’s incident was an escalation. I had brushed off other comments as kids being kids, but started to see a pattern last week. I’ve always told her that behavior isn’t nice and we don’t treat others that way. Today I could see the incident about to go down and made sure I was there for my kid. My plan is to talk to teachers tomorrow morning and actively avoid this crowd after class.
Bright note: we’ve found a very sweet little girl that is a good buddy for after class, and a play date is coming up.

OP, I'm sorry. We just moved to a new city as well and are dealing with some stuff at our new preschool (the school is PK-12 so our kids could in theory go there forever). It's so different from where we were last year. I hope things get better for you and your daughter.

I’m assuming that if this is happening when school is over, on the way out the door, the teachers expect the parents/nannies to be in charge at that point. OP- hustle your kid out to the car since the other caregivers are not interested in supervising.

This would not have occured at my preschool either, OP - there were specific teachings in place and lots of teachers about at the end of day time to ensure everything went smoothly and easily for pick up. This just sounds chaotic and not well managed.

I would have immediately approached the children, gotten down to their level, and said simply "we do not talk to each other like that. It is not nice, accepted, or expected. I am going to talk to your teacher and your parents about what we can do to see that it does not happen again." And then I would have immediately done just that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're dealing with physically aggressive kids, then I don't understand why you would wait a few weeks to talk to the school. If it's a case of some kids not being nice, then I think you might be overreacting.

Three- and four-year-olds are just figuring out friendship, so you get a lot of kids saying "You're not my friend" when what they mean is "I don't want to play with you right now" or "I'm mad that you won't do what I want." That's totally normal, and not the same as "mean kid" behavior.

It really matters what you mean by "the treatment." Three- and four-year-olds are rarely bullies or mean kids. They are often immature, impulsive, and tactless.

Let me be specific

“ hey Larla is coming over” - said by alpha boy to group
“ quick everyone run away from her”- sidekick boy
( larla shell shocked look of rejection)
“ you stay away from us. We don’t want you” - little tag along girl
Mocking laughter as they run away


Witnessed multiple times. I’ve tried to ignore but it’s getting worse. And the group of kids seems to be expanding. What started with the alpha boy is now 5-6 kids.

I still don't understand exactly. Are the children playing in a group after class? It seems like an easy solution would be for you to take your DD straight to the car or straight home, rather than have her play for a few minutes after class.

I posted upthread about telling the teachers about this behavior. You should do that. You should also take charge of your DD and take her straight home instead of having her play with these kids, at least for the near future.

Yes I definitely had that thought today. The facility is unique and has an indoor play space on the way out. We all struggle to pull our kids out. I had caught whiffs of this behavior before. I sort of followed and eavesdropped today and got confirmation of my suspensions. Mommies and nannies are gabbing and on their phones.
I told her that not everyone wants to play with us and we go find someone who wants to play with us.
Cue 3 min later and alpha punches his sidekick in the face. I’ve no interest in foster friendships with these children, but I’m wondering if this seems early. It feels so tribal and coordinated. I understand kids are mean, and say whatever, but this isn’t that.
I’ve contacted the teacher. We meet tomorrow morning.

I've posted before, but OP, if the teachers don't take you seriously and can't resolve the behavior, I'd be looking for a new preschool. There is NO way this kind of behavior would be tolerated at our center. None. Additionally, they spend time daily on emotional development, talking empathy, feelings, etc. You want a place that does that.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should be intervening directly in the moment with the kids and saying something immediately to the teachers. You don't wait a few weeks. At that age, I would also tell the kids' parents what you are overhearing.

This is the age where they are genuinely learning (as opposed to being genuinely mean...that comes later...yay) and all the adults need to be as involved as possible to nip it in the bud. It's not hovering. It's your responsibility and every other adult's responsibility.

I am genuinely baffled that you've witnessed this multiple times and ignored it!!!! No OP. Get in there! Do Something!

Good luck.

Op here: I feel so weird about intervening with the other mom’s kids. We’ve moved to a new town, and I’m feeling really socially off kilter myself.
But I would say today’s incident was an escalation. I had brushed off other comments as kids being kids, but started to see a pattern last week. I’ve always told her that behavior isn’t nice and we don’t treat others that way. Today I could see the incident about to go down and made sure I was there for my kid. My plan is to talk to teachers tomorrow morning and actively avoid this crowd after class.
Bright note: we’ve found a very sweet little girl that is a good buddy for after class, and a play date is coming up.

What you describe is not normal behavior in preschool kids. I suspect that it is the result of one kid, and that the other kids are going along without much of a sense of how unkind it is.

You need to speak up in the moment. Tell the kids that their words are unkind. You also need to let the teachers know what is happening and ask them to work with the kids on inclusion and kindness. And until things improve, keep your kid away from these kids. The teachers should be able to suggest some other kids she can play with, and even facilitate that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're dealing with physically aggressive kids, then I don't understand why you would wait a few weeks to talk to the school. If it's a case of some kids not being nice, then I think you might be overreacting.

Three- and four-year-olds are just figuring out friendship, so you get a lot of kids saying "You're not my friend" when what they mean is "I don't want to play with you right now" or "I'm mad that you won't do what I want." That's totally normal, and not the same as "mean kid" behavior.

It really matters what you mean by "the treatment." Three- and four-year-olds are rarely bullies or mean kids. They are often immature, impulsive, and tactless.

Let me be specific

“ hey Larla is coming over” - said by alpha boy to group
“ quick everyone run away from her”- sidekick boy
( larla shell shocked look of rejection)
“ you stay away from us. We don’t want you” - little tag along girl
Mocking laughter as they run away


Witnessed multiple times. I’ve tried to ignore but it’s getting worse. And the group of kids seems to be expanding. What started with the alpha boy is now 5-6 kids.

Talk to the teacher this afternoon. Why would you wait? Aside from teaching my DD to stand up for herself and walk away from taunting, we also picked a preschool that emphasizes kindness, compassion and inclusion. Not a small fraction of what you are describing would be tolerated by our school nor would it have gone unnoticed.

OP, you should be intervening directly in the moment with the kids and saying something immediately to the teachers. You don't wait a few weeks. At that age, I would also tell the kids' parents what you are overhearing.

This is the age where they are genuinely learning (as opposed to being genuinely mean...that comes later...yay) and all the adults need to be as involved as possible to nip it in the bud. It's not hovering. It's your responsibility and every other adult's responsibility.

I am genuinely baffled that you've witnessed this multiple times and ignored it!!!! No OP. Get in there! Do Something!

Good luck.