Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (well, my dad) is horrible at this. His parents were awful at this too. They refuse to discuss it in their family and just leave a mess for others.

My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, did this right. Here is everything she did:

1. Made sure she had an income stream--social security and rental income (she pays someone to manager her rental)--after she retired.
2. Moved to a senior living community while she and grandfather were still healthy. When he became ill, they had a care plan, funds, etc. in place.
3. Has terrific health insurance and savings plus insurance for long term care, if it comes to that.
4. Has already done things like purchased the plot next to where grandpa is buried, etc. and set aside all money for the funeral, etc.
5. Only has a small 1BR apartment of stuff, can easily be moved out in a day. Has given away most valuables to her kids.

NP. But I don't want to do this. I want to enjoy my retirement, and enjoy the stuff I've bought that I love. And I want pets.

There has to be something in between maintaining a 3500sf home that you barely use and never clean out, and moving to a lovely, small apartment so that no one has to do much when you inevitably decline and die.

This thread has made me reevaluate what it means to me to "not be a burden to my children." We have family obligations now, and they will have them as adults. This is how communities function. The complete self-sufficiency model just makes me sad.

Her 55 plus community has larger townhome-y type units and pets-allowed units.

Anonymous wrote:My parents (well, my dad) is horrible at this. His parents were awful at this too. They refuse to discuss it in their family and just leave a mess for others.

My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, did this right. Here is everything she did:

1. Made sure she had an income stream--social security and rental income (she pays someone to manager her rental)--after she retired.
2. Moved to a senior living community while she and grandfather were still healthy. When he became ill, they had a care plan, funds, etc. in place.
3. Has terrific health insurance and savings plus insurance for long term care, if it comes to that.
4. Has already done things like purchased the plot next to where grandpa is buried, etc. and set aside all money for the funeral, etc.
5. Only has a small 1BR apartment of stuff, can easily be moved out in a day. Has given away most valuables to her kids.

NP. But I don't want to do this. I want to enjoy my retirement, and enjoy the stuff I've bought that I love. And I want pets.

There has to be something in between maintaining a 3500sf home that you barely use and never clean out, and moving to a lovely, small apartment so that no one has to do much when you inevitably decline and die.

This thread has made me reevaluate what it means to me to "not be a burden to my children." We have family obligations now, and they will have them as adults. This is how communities function. The complete self-sufficiency model just makes me sad.

My parents (well, my dad) is horrible at this. His parents were awful at this too. They refuse to discuss it in their family and just leave a mess for others.

My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, did this right. Here is everything she did:

1. Made sure she had an income stream--social security and rental income (she pays someone to manager her rental)--after she retired.
2. Moved to a senior living community while she and grandfather were still healthy. When he became ill, they had a care plan, funds, etc. in place.
3. Has terrific health insurance and savings plus insurance for long term care, if it comes to that.
4. Has already done things like purchased the plot next to where grandpa is buried, etc. and set aside all money for the funeral, etc.
5. Only has a small 1BR apartment of stuff, can easily be moved out in a day. Has given away most valuables to her kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife works as a nursing home administrator. If you think this is possible, well I don’t see it. Biggest thing you can do is have money. But people change when they get old. While you think now that you will be fine moving out of your house and you think insurance will pay for your care, when people get old they have a skewed view of what they are capable of and your kids think you are less capable than you actually are.

FWIW, my wife says that rarely does LtC insurance pay for more than Medicare and she thinks it’s a waste of money.

Agree. Long term health care insurance was not worth it for my parent with long term illnesses. Took 90 days to kick in, and was limited per day, and by that time she went quick. Better to be in area with good care, like small town USA, dc area was the worst, transients that were not trustworthy. In a small town you know the people doing the care.

Long Term Care insurance saves my parents - my dad got Parkinson’s and has used over half a million in care so far and he probably has another half a million in care to go before he dies - it’s a sucky and fairly common disease. Long Term Care insurance is insurance - you pay for it and hope you don’t need it - but if you get unlucky and do it saves your life (or at least allows you to live out your life in comfort).

Anonymous wrote:Downsize and move closer to your kids before your health declines. (My parents meant to do this and my Dad dragged his feet and then detonated very quickly. Now my Mom is left with a 4 bedroom house on .75 acres, 3.5 hours away from her closest child. We're working on getting her moved, but she is taking her time going through all my Dad's stuff (and complaining about how much he kept).

Have organized finances/estate planning and make sure both spouses and your kids know the basics and where everything is. My parents were thankfully good here, by my exes grandmother died without a will and it was a huge hassle--and she didn't even have much money. No one knew where any of her accounts or pensions were with, etc.

Settle somewhere where you can retain mobility without driving. This means you're less likely to need rides, etc.

If you think that's bad, my mom is left in a 7 BR, 5,000 plus square foot on several acres house FULL of stuff my dad collected. it's across the country from their kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP - If your children, collectively, say that something NEEDS to happen, believe them. Give up the position of authority, that you know best. And do this without guilting them. And as pleasantly as possible.

This. My dad refused to downsize his 7 br, home full of junk, refused to give up his car keys and put his car/etc. in my mom's name or my name, signed away all the health insurance and pension my mom would get after he passed away (even though my mom is 10 years younger and in better health).

Anonymous wrote:I would add that we all should divide assets fairly among children in a legal will. DECIDE who gets what so your grief stricken family members don't fight over your estate. I have seen many families split over a messy estate they are left to sort out.

Living trust is better than a will anyway.

I notice that older Americans are really unhealthy compared to their peers in other cultures. You can have money but money doesn't exercise for you or make you eat healthily.

Money. Money, money, money. Save it. All of it.

Pick an early age to give up your house and move to a retirement community that "steps up care." Like age 55. But, you can't guarantee one of you won't have a heart attack or debilitating stroke or develop a degenerative disease by then, so maybe you should move now.

Write iron-clad end-of-life agreements that say to pull the plug in almost every circumstance, and give the power to make that decision to someone other than your children.

Have no attachment to any "thing." Not your home, not art, not pictures, knickknacks, or keepsakes. Throw out as much as possible, and make it clear the kids can throw the rest away as soon as you have to move to the "independent living" area of the retirement community.

In other words, you want to GUARANTEE you won't be a burden to your kids? Then you have to be able to become disabled tomorrow and leave no loos end untied.

Or, you could just try having an open conversation with your children as you get older about being loving and caring to one another, and model that same behavior with your own parents. As someone else said, a lot of the bad feeling comes from being overworked and overwhelmed to begin with, and then there's no way to plan for every eventuality when your parents decline. And it could be YEARS of the unknown. Conversations now, where you absolve them of guilt now for not being perfect caregivers later, is probably the best thing you can do.

Anonymous wrote:Downsize and move closer to your kids before your health declines. (My parents meant to do this and my Dad dragged his feet and then detonated very quickly. Now my Mom is left with a 4 bedroom house on .75 acres, 3.5 hours away from her closest child. We're working on getting her moved, but she is taking her time going through all my Dad's stuff (and complaining about how much he kept).

Have organized finances/estate planning and make sure both spouses and your kids know the basics and where everything is. My parents were thankfully good here, by my exes grandmother died without a will and it was a huge hassle--and she didn't even have much money. No one knew where any of her accounts or pensions were with, etc.

Settle somewhere where you can retain mobility without driving. This means you're less likely to need rides, etc.

Ha--he deteriorated quickly. He did not explode

Downsize and move closer to your kids before your health declines. (My parents meant to do this and my Dad dragged his feet and then detonated very quickly. Now my Mom is left with a 4 bedroom house on .75 acres, 3.5 hours away from her closest child. We're working on getting her moved, but she is taking her time going through all my Dad's stuff (and complaining about how much he kept).

Have organized finances/estate planning and make sure both spouses and your kids know the basics and where everything is. My parents were thankfully good here, by my exes grandmother died without a will and it was a huge hassle--and she didn't even have much money. No one knew where any of her accounts or pensions were with, etc.

Settle somewhere where you can retain mobility without driving. This means you're less likely to need rides, etc.

I would add that we all should divide assets fairly among children in a legal will. DECIDE who gets what so your grief stricken family members don't fight over your estate. I have seen many families split over a messy estate they are left to sort out.

I think we could reduce the burden on our kids if there were a legal way to choose when to die. I have seen many people die slowly and the toll it takes on the caretaking members of the family is too much. Alzheimer's is the worst way to go. The best way to go is to pass quickly and not linger.

Op, I remember being younger and feeling burdened. I realize now *most* of that was just the uncomfortable feeling of not being in control. When you're young it's easy to have the mindset that a good plan will solve everything. If only there had been a plan. Why didn't my parents plan! I now understand how little can be done to plan. Yes, cleaning out junk helps. Yes, there are concrete things that can make things easier for your loved ones, but what those loved ones are really worried about is the unknown. We don't know what will happen, we really don't. All the planning in the world wouldn't have helped when, in our case, the well parent died first.

Long-term care insurance
Declutter and downsize so kids don't have to do it for you
Living will, advance medical directive
Don't piss your money away stupidly

Ask me how I know about these... =(