Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

PP from 13:02 here. +1000 to this. The pressure was intense. I was always a "good girl", bookish, quiet type who never caused them any trouble. I excelled in high school but struggled in college, both personally and academically. I hid as much as I could from my parents, until I couldn't anymore. The fear of failure and disappointment that I was afraid I would cause them was awful.

Anonymous wrote:I was an only to a single Mom and not the center of her universe. She was 'detached' in that she worked FT while I was a latch-key kid, and did a lot of stuff with friends while sending me to grandma's house. Examples: never did any trips/vacations with me but went on ski trips and Caribbean sailing trips with friends, sent me away to summer camp for 5 weeks every summer, I used to do weekend tournaments and she'd never come watch. When I turned 18, I went away to college and never returned home.

Now, when she visits my home, she's all over me - a real smother mother. She's always interrogating me with questions, watching me all the time for my reaction to things. When she meets one of my friends, the interrogation starts on her like she's trying to find out all about me from a 3rd party. I gave up Facebook because she stalks every comment that I make. It's exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child because my mother hated children and my father insisted on one (oddly, DH and I repeat this dynamic in terms of feelings, except we have two).

They didn't do anything about my being an only child. I turned out fine. You're overthinking.

You hate children? And you have two?

And you think you turned out fine??

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying for #2, I think we're going to call it quits. Even though I would LOVE to have another baby, I think it's just not in the cards for us (after years of IVF).

Now that I'm thinking we'll remain a family of 3 and that my daughter will be an only child, I'm wondering if folks could tell me about their experiences as an only. What was helpful? What did your parents do that you appreciated? What did you hate about it? What did your parents do well? What do you wish they had done differently?

All advice is appreciated!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

The studies say onlies turn out the same as eldest children. If you started a thread "Tell me about being an eldest" I bet you would get a lot of the same. I am an eldest and felt a lot of pressure to succeed, perform academically, get a good job. DH is also an eldest and we are both the responsible ones who will care for aging parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only. I had a very close relationship with both parents. It was cozy. But I echo the pressure comments. When my father passed away in my late teens (who I absolutely adored) one of the first emotions I had (on top of overwhelming sadness and grief) was relief that I didn’t have to keep pushing myself to live up to his expectations. I think the pressure would have greatly eased if there had been another focus of my parents’ attention.

I have a sister and still felt overwhelming pressure from my parents to perform. Point being, this is not a product of being an only child.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only. I had a very close relationship with both parents. It was cozy. But I echo the pressure comments. When my father passed away in my late teens (who I absolutely adored) one of the first emotions I had (on top of overwhelming sadness and grief) was relief that I didn’t have to keep pushing myself to live up to his expectations. I think the pressure would have greatly eased if there had been another focus of my parents’ attention.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

No -- I see people posting about feeling pressure, and others posting about not feeling pressure. Also, I'm inclined to believe studies more than a bunch of anonymous internet posters.

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying for #2, I think we're going to call it quits. Even though I would LOVE to have another baby, I think it's just not in the cards for us (after years of IVF).

Now that I'm thinking we'll remain a family of 3 and that my daughter will be an only child, I'm wondering if folks could tell me about their experiences as an only. What was helpful? What did your parents do that you appreciated? What did you hate about it? What did your parents do well? What do you wish they had done differently?

All advice is appreciated!

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.