My kids are in 9th and 11th ADHD and have an executive functioning coach. (And we have seen a really nice acquisition of EF skills). The check gradebook with her once a week. Missing assignments, and they have until the end of the following week to get it in (about 10 days). If not, they lose their iPhone until the do. Does not reach that point often— maybe 3-4 time a year. And it resolves fast. The lack of an iPhone is a constant reminder to kids who “forget” to do it.

Grades are touchier. One kids is at TJ. One is at a tough base school. Different teachers can make the same class easier or harder. TJ AP Physics C is not evaluated on the same scale as base school Honors Bio. In general, I can tell if my kids are working. If they are working, and they take advantage of makeups in low tests and there are no missing assignments, they are meeting our expectations. There have been times my ADHD son went down internet rabbitholes and grades went down. He lost electronics until he turned it around.

Now, if a kid is working and no missing assignments and makeups done, and is still below a B, then we look at something like a tutoring the subject. We have needed to so this once.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's better to get into a selective university to differentiate oneself from others, but I don't think my capable 9th grader truly understands this yet. I'm not ready to let him have no time management rules and take the consequences.

I never suggested you go from no time management/consequences to anything goes. You have to do it gradually and not all at once. Sort of like the first time they go by themselves....they walk to the neighbors across the street and then to the corner store etc etc.


Very rarely does missing one or two assignments make a huge difference.

I think it's better to get into a selective university to differentiate oneself from others, but I don't think my capable 9th grader truly understands this yet. I'm not ready to let him have no time management rules and take the consequences.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The issue is not about failing a class. To me, it's about my children doing a good job at their "job" (i.e. student). And by "good job" I mean completing all work and turning it in (no missing assignments) + no accepting D's or F's on things that can be retaken.

As a parent, do you let your child have all the privileges (whatever those are -- screen time, social outings, etc. etc.) if your child is NOT doing all of their work at school.

If you don't do anything about missing/failing school work, do you think your children are learning that they can get by with so-so effort while they enjoy lots of fun time at home or elsewhere?

If your kids are getting Bs by not turning in an assignment than maybe you should help them get organized. We have always told our kids that it is important to hand in your assignments on time. At a certain age you can certainly take away privileges but, at a certain age ( once you have given them the tools) it is up to them to do the work. We all know people who don't perform unless they have someone hanging over them. Don't we want our kids to learn how to manage time on their own?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your child is in HS and has missing assignments through the quarter and/or quarter grades that are not as good as you would hope/expect, are there any consequences from you (the parent) at home?

I have told my kids that they should be getting B's or better. Both kids have had a number of missing assignments that I have seen on grade book and brought to their attention to rectify. I know that no one is perfect, but I feel like not turning things in or not doing them in the first place is unacceptable (they are not doing their "job" as a student, yet they have plenty of time for video games/on line activities after school and on the weekends). I also don't expect all A's b/c not every subject is going to be your strength and I got some B's in my day as well.

With the opportunities in FCPS to meet with teachers for help, I feel that "B's or better" is reasonable.

So, does your child have any consequences at home if they don't meet your expectations on grades?

OP, try the carrot. Find out something they really want. I'm on the west coast, and at one point my kid said she wanted to go to Hawai'i, and I turned to her and said, "get all As, and we'll go"

And all of a sudden the work ethic appeared and her grades all went up. We haven't made it to Hawai'i yet thanks to one class, but she is still working on it!

So, some may say that this is ridiculous and it's their job to get good grades, but I see it as, just like "in real life" you get rewarded for good work...you get paid, you get a promotion, you get an award. Getting a good grade just to get a good grade, is pretty meaningless and depressing, and college is pretty vague and untangible and too far away to be a goal; I think smaller, closer goals and lots of carrots out there to reward good behavior can get that work ethic instilled. And once good grades start coming in, they start surprising and impressing themselves, which leads to better self esteem and seeing themselves as someone who can do it if they put in the effort, so it becomes a positive feedback loop.

I think you should reward your dd because of her hard work. What if she can't get the A in the last class? If that was the case and she got a B or B+ that should be good enough to get her a trip to Hawaii. It will reward her for her effort. Otherwise, it could backfire and she could start to not care because the reward never came through. True you said all As but, she came pretty close and learned a lot I"m sure.

Please take her!

OP here.

The issue is not about failing a class. To me, it's about my children doing a good job at their "job" (i.e. student). And by "good job" I mean completing all work and turning it in (no missing assignments) + no accepting D's or F's on things that can be retaken.

As a parent, do you let your child have all the privileges (whatever those are -- screen time, social outings, etc. etc.) if your child is NOT doing all of their work at school.

If you don't do anything about missing/failing school work, do you think your children are learning that they can get by with so-so effort while they enjoy lots of fun time at home or elsewhere?

"Let them fail" is not so easy. Esp if the reasons they are "failing" have to do with organization or other reasons not related to ability to do the work.

Getting into college is incredibly difficult. It's extremely competitive. A year (and certainly more) of sub-par grades to prove some point, when helping them may have a positive impact, has a more grave consequence than some kids are able to comprehend. So, not helping them (not doing it for them but helping them find out what the obstacles are and offering help to overcome them) is negligent parenting, imo.

There's a difference between "failing" and just not performing up to full potential. Not every mediocre grade is a cry for help. Every kid has different needs, but by high school, the vast majority probably don't need mom to check Blackboard, Google classroom and the gradebook for them on a daily or weekly basis.

One way to keep your kid from failing is to encourage them to take classes where they can succeed based on the interests, work habits, and motivation they have, rather than what you wish they had. For some, that might mean a mix of different levels of classes and not the "most rigorous." My DC took easier classes the first two years of high school (some but not all honors) while he figured things out and worked his way up to a pretty rigorous junior and senior year. I pushed older DC to take a more rigorous schedule and it backfired.

Our kids had to earn the right to be in advanced classes. End of year grades mattered. I tried my best, though not perfect, not to get too crazy during the year - with the ups and downs. Two end of year grades lower than expected (a full letter grade) meant one of those subjects needed to be downgraded to an level of that subject. This was our call, not theirs.

"Let them fail" is not so easy. Esp if the reasons they are "failing" have to do with organization or other reasons not related to ability to do the work.

Getting into college is incredibly difficult. It's extremely competitive. A year (and certainly more) of sub-par grades to prove some point, when helping them may have a positive impact, has a more grave consequence than some kids are able to comprehend. So, not helping them (not doing it for them but helping them find out what the obstacles are and offering help to overcome them) is negligent parenting, imo.

I stopped looking at the grade book by high school, and I have a disorganized ADHD kid. He's pretty laid back and not motivated to get all As, but he does care about the bottom line and the grade that will go on his transcript. He usually sets a year-end goal for each class early in the year and does enough to meet that goal (sometimes the goal is a B, and that's fine) and this requires him to check his grade book frequently. He has resisted attempts to impose a system, planners, calendars, so I just let him have at it and don't give myself a chance to over-react to an occasional poor test or quiz grade, or even a lower quarter grade. He's learned to bounce back without my intervention.

I found this much easier to do with kid #2 because I learned some lessons from kid #1. School is important and it's their job, but there has to be a balance. Kid 2 is in perfectly fine shape for college even if he forgot to turn in a few assignments along the way, was unprepared for a presentation, or could have studied a little more for that one test.

Anonymous wrote:If your child is in HS and has missing assignments through the quarter and/or quarter grades that are not as good as you would hope/expect, are there any consequences from you (the parent) at home?

I have told my kids that they should be getting B's or better. Both kids have had a number of missing assignments that I have seen on grade book and brought to their attention to rectify. I know that no one is perfect, but I feel like not turning things in or not doing them in the first place is unacceptable (they are not doing their "job" as a student, yet they have plenty of time for video games/on line activities after school and on the weekends). I also don't expect all A's b/c not every subject is going to be your strength and I got some B's in my day as well.

With the opportunities in FCPS to meet with teachers for help, I feel that "B's or better" is reasonable.

So, does your child have any consequences at home if they don't meet your expectations on grades?

OP, try the carrot. Find out something they really want. I'm on the west coast, and at one point my kid said she wanted to go to Hawai'i, and I turned to her and said, "get all As, and we'll go"

And all of a sudden the work ethic appeared and her grades all went up. We haven't made it to Hawai'i yet thanks to one class, but she is still working on it!

So, some may say that this is ridiculous and it's their job to get good grades, but I see it as, just like "in real life" you get rewarded for good work...you get paid, you get a promotion, you get an award. Getting a good grade just to get a good grade, is pretty meaningless and depressing, and college is pretty vague and untangible and too far away to be a goal; I think smaller, closer goals and lots of carrots out there to reward good behavior can get that work ethic instilled. And once good grades start coming in, they start surprising and impressing themselves, which leads to better self esteem and seeing themselves as someone who can do it if they put in the effort, so it becomes a positive feedback loop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids came of age before everyone on earth had a cell phone. Y'all are lucky to have that to hold over their heads to make them do their school work. I wonder if it's going to do the job for all four years of high school, though. It takes an awful lot to motivate an unmotivated or difficult teenager who doesn't care about grades.

We raised four kids. When our oldest brought home Cs on her first quarter report card in her sophomore year, when we knew she could do much better, we actually threatened to switch her to Catholic school. We were very upset with her and at our wit's end. But when we visited the Catholic school and literally saw posters of aborted fetuses in the hallway we realized we were being too drastic. I can't recall doing much after that; she eventually became a straight A student and went to UVA.

We learned from this and essentially allowed the others to find their own way. They all did, each on their own time and to varying degrees. As adults, there's little correlation between how each did in high school and how they're doing as adults.

It's very hard to watch your kid flounder when you know they can do better. But, in the end, there's little you can do and it's their life.

Big change in parenting.

The "military school' threat never worked on by brother who was INCREDIBLY difficult. Luckily, soccer got him a scholarship---but he was offered full rides from some VERY top universities that couldn't take him because of his abysmal grades. Bright, but unmotivated and defiant. I say my parents try EVERYTHING. He did well later in life---but serious late bloomer academically--and incredibly bright naturally.

In what world do people live that they think 9th grade grades don't matter as much??

Even state Universities are incredibly difficult to get into these days. The entire HS transcript GPA is taken into account.

My 7th grader has 3 HS credit courses and two courses very easy, the third most likely will be a "B". We will expunge and re-take the course for an 'A' next year. I am not starting 9th with any Bs.

We tell our high school student to try. We say that we want to see that she's trying. Don't leave any homework on the table; turn it all in to help your grade. It can make the difference between a B and an A- sometimes.

My spouse told our kids to aim for upwards trajectory in their overall grade over the year. If they went from a B- in the first quarter to an A in the last quarter, then that shows they were putting in the effort to learn and get better. It tells a good story on a transcript. My spouse has a Ph.D. and is a college professor at a very competitive university.

Anonymous wrote:Our kids came of age before everyone on earth had a cell phone. Y'all are lucky to have that to hold over their heads to make them do their school work. I wonder if it's going to do the job for all four years of high school, though. It takes an awful lot to motivate an unmotivated or difficult teenager who doesn't care about grades.

We raised four kids. When our oldest brought home Cs on her first quarter report card in her sophomore year, when we knew she could do much better, we actually threatened to switch her to Catholic school. We were very upset with her and at our wit's end. But when we visited the Catholic school and literally saw posters of aborted fetuses in the hallway we realized we were being too drastic. I can't recall doing much after that; she eventually became a straight A student and went to UVA.

We learned from this and essentially allowed the others to find their own way. They all did, each on their own time and to varying degrees. As adults, there's little correlation between how each did in high school and how they're doing as adults.

It's very hard to watch your kid flounder when you know they can do better. But, in the end, there's little you can do and it's their life.

Big change in parenting.