Anonymous
Post 10/26/2018 10:07     Subject: Girls Holding Back
My U11 daughter was deferring too when she first joined her current team a few months ago and didn’t know any players. This includes not wanting to do corner/free kicks even though she is one of the best kickers on the team.

She’s a lot more aggressive now that she’s comfortable with them just like when she was with her previous team.....at least for the past two games. Let’s hope this continues. I’m realizing that social acceptance is becoming important at this age.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2018 09:54     Subject: Girls Holding Back
Maybe you need to get her on a team where the other girls judge their friends more on who is making the best plays rather than deferring to others.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2018 09:46     Subject: Girls Holding Back
your kid is 10 relax. The player they are today is not what they will be in 4 year when they play high school.

Most kids at 10 who play soccer will not be playing at 14-15 years old, possibly including your kid if you do not relax and let them develop.

Anonymous
Post 10/26/2018 08:37     Subject: Girls Holding Back
Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for the feedback, so DD is not shy or timid at all, in fact, she's very aggressive and competitive when she needs to be against an opponent. What I'm talking about is deferring to her teammates, worrying about them liking her, in situations where her teammates are close by she loses her killer instincts and lets them take the lead in the game.


My DD went through the same phase. It started in middle school and ended midway through high school. I'd say keep her training with boys so she has an environment where she can do the right thing, instead of just only playing where she could develop a bad habit.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 14:44     Subject: Re:Girls Holding Back
As a coach, I agree you should ask the coach what he/she thinks. I have parents who think every kid should always be going for every ball. As a PP points out, your daughter might be playing smarter than you think.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 14:25     Subject: Girls Holding Back
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure you can affect this. It needs to come from her. I started playing soccer at 6 and never felt like this. One big difference, however, is that from 6-10, I played mostly with boys (not much girls soccer back then). I joined a girls travel team two towns over when I hit puberty. Why don't you try having her play with boys (pickup, informally, etc) and see if any natural competitiveness and aggression comes forth....then you can see if it's in her...


Yes she does play pickup with boys and this doesn’t happen, even older boys she plays hard, only happens with girls she knows/cares about.


I think you answered the question right there. You say she "cares about" the girls from whom she doesn't want to steal any glory. This is about the social assimilation / acceptance / validation that even some stoic-seeming girls tend to want at that age.

Is she, perchance, one of the youngest on the team? Possibly in a lower grade at school than some of the others? If so, consider that upsetting the social structure could, in her mind, feel like social suicide.

And she would be right --- but almost invariably, this would be the case with less secure and less talented players. They want her to know he place so that they don't lose ground within the team hierarchy.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 13:34     Subject: Re:Girls Holding Back
Anonymous wrote:Talk to the coach about it. She should be making the best soccer decision for the good of the team, not worrying about how anyone else feels about it. It's possible she's already doing that though, and you just aren't seeing it. A lot of times the kids that parents think are "dominating" because they get to every loose ball, look like idiots in the eyes of the coach because they are constantly taking their teammates space away. It's possible your daughter recognizes that some of her teammates are like that, and she's adjusting accordingly. For example if two players on the same team are going for the same ball, they shouldn't be competing for it. The one who is not closest should back away to create space and provide an option for the teammate who will get their first, or cover for her in case she doesn't win it (if there is an opponent also coming for it). It's possible there are times your daughter is the one closest to the ball, but she sees one of her teammates going for it, and knows the kid doesn't have the soccer IQ to read the situation and do the right thing. If that's what is happening, it wouldn't mean your daughter is holding back. It would mean she is playing smarter.

Obviously I have no way of knowing whether this is happening in your situation or not, but it is something I've seen happen a lot over the years, and often the parent of the smart player expresses concerns such as yours.



I totally see what you're saying and I think you're spot on. When she joined this team she stood out a lot that first season and I think some of the parents and other kids were mad. She started backing down more and more ever since.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 13:20     Subject: Re:Girls Holding Back
Talk to the coach about it. She should be making the best soccer decision for the good of the team, not worrying about how anyone else feels about it. It's possible she's already doing that though, and you just aren't seeing it. A lot of times the kids that parents think are "dominating" because they get to every loose ball, look like idiots in the eyes of the coach because they are constantly taking their teammates space away. It's possible your daughter recognizes that some of her teammates are like that, and she's adjusting accordingly. For example if two players on the same team are going for the same ball, they shouldn't be competing for it. The one who is not closest should back away to create space and provide an option for the teammate who will get their first, or cover for her in case she doesn't win it (if there is an opponent also coming for it). It's possible there are times your daughter is the one closest to the ball, but she sees one of her teammates going for it, and knows the kid doesn't have the soccer IQ to read the situation and do the right thing. If that's what is happening, it wouldn't mean your daughter is holding back. It would mean she is playing smarter.

Obviously I have no way of knowing whether this is happening in your situation or not, but it is something I've seen happen a lot over the years, and often the parent of the smart player expresses concerns such as yours.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 12:13     Subject: Girls Holding Back
Anonymous wrote:DD is a strong athlete, talented according to several coaches. Has dreams of playing high level soccer, she's only 10 now so we shall see. She trains hard, wants to play almost everyday, practices on her own, tries out new things, fast on the ball, has good soccer IQ etc. I'm saying this because I've seen it, and also been told by other parents and coaches since she was very little. What I don't get is when she's with her team in a game, sometimes she will defer to them, lets them try to get to the ball first, holds back on attacking the ball. I've asked her about it and she says "I wanted so and so to have the opportunity to score instead of me" or "so and so gets mad if I get to the ball first". This didn't used to happen when she was younger, but now she's afraid her teammates won't "like" her if she is "better" then them or dominates the game. Sometimes she's afraid to make mistakes too I think and holds back for that reason, but more often than not, she will defer to certain players that she wants to "like" her. So my question is, is this normal for girls? I'm pretty sure boys could care less what their teammates think and are always aggressive on the ball. Do girls get to a point where their personal ambitions outweigh their desire to be "liked"? Or is DD just not ruthless enough? I'm not trying to turn her into a ruthless monster, please don't misunderstand me. I'm just wondering if I should be pushing her a little to not worry about what other people think and just go for it or to let her figure it out on her own.


Normal from my experience. My DD one of the most talented players anywhere (top player, top team, etc.) but holds back doing what she can do because she doesn't want to stand out, and doesn't like all the attention. She is aggressive, that;s not the problem, but this is a new social thing. About the same age as your DD.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 12:08     Subject: Girls Holding Back
My DD is kinda like this too, but more so in practice or at camps. She plays holding midfield but ends up playing CB or LB at camps and tells me it is because no one else knows how to play there or wants to play there. She did this at ODP tryouts and ended up on the roster as a center back even though she had never played it before. I guess it is good that she now can play multiple positions, but she wants to play in college and I’m worried about taking her to ID camps. She does play hard and physical in games though.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 11:37     Subject: Girls Holding Back
My daughter was like this and we stopped soccer. She probably wasn't as talented as your daughter but she was good. She just wasn't aggressive and wouldn't go after the ball. I would stick with it, but it sounds like you comment on her game a lot, which I would refrain from doing going forward... it could have a negative effect. just be positive!
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2018 11:08     Subject: Girls Holding Back
Thanks all for the feedback, so DD is not shy or timid at all, in fact, she's very aggressive and competitive when she needs to be against an opponent. What I'm talking about is deferring to her teammates, worrying about them liking her, in situations where her teammates are close by she loses her killer instincts and lets them take the lead in the game.