Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:49     Subject: Re:Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?


We are in counseling to avoid divorce. We have been at a disconnect for a while now. Bickering about stupid stuff. DH had an affair ( emotional) for a few months after hismom died. That is over, he’s changed jobs etc.

I do want things to get better, but I don’t think it’s fair to make the kids responsible for that.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:48     Subject: Re:Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
I agree with moving 3 yo to their own room.

But less activities? Is he going to fill that time playing with them?

Disagree with the activities request.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:45     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH wants a wife!

He has a wife and he gets plenty of sex


Plenty at least by OP’s definition.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:44     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:For all you saying he is reasonable how are we supposed to tell the kids they have to quit activities they love? It still seems like an unfair burden to them.


One activity at a time is not unreasonable at all. In fact, it is very common in many households. The PP above gave you the appropriate wording. When you tell the kids you have to be onboard and not blame DH.

I'm confused why you are fighting his reasonable requests so much? Your marriage is in trouble enough that you are seeing a therapist you owe it to your family to meet DH half way.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:44     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Team DH . The 3 year old can sleep in their own, unless space is an issue, but it doesn’t sound like it . You may be surprised that you kids will not miss the extra activity and will appreciate the down time , lots of kids in this area have no time to just relax , stay home and have unstructured play

Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:44     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You had a 6-year old sleeping in your room with you?


Yes. DS 1 stayed with us until he was about 2. DD 1 decided to move out about a year after my DS 2 was born. DS 2 moved out a little before the baby was born. To each their own. Bed/room sharing works for us.


You said the others have stayed in your room until age 5/6. How does this math work? What is the age gap between each of your 4 kids?


My oldest is the only one not to stay until 5 or 6. I met my DH when he was about 5 months old. His father had been out of the picture since I told him I was pregnant. I got pregnant with Dd 1 before we got married. There’s just under 2.5 years between the oldest kids. DS 1 is 16 DD1 is almost 14 DS 1 is 8. DD 2 is 3
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:43     Subject: Re:Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:41     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You had a 6-year old sleeping in your room with you?


Yes. DS 1 stayed with us until he was about 2. DD 1 decided to move out about a year after my DS 2 was born. DS 2 moved out a little before the baby was born. To each their own. Bed/room sharing works for us.


It may be working for you personally, but it sounds like it isn't working for your husband anymore.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:41     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You had a 6-year old sleeping in your room with you?


Yes. DS 1 stayed with us until he was about 2. DD 1 decided to move out about a year after my DS 2 was born. DS 2 moved out a little before the baby was born. To each their own. Bed/room sharing works for us.


Apparently it is not working for DH.

DH sounds like he is really making an effort for this to work and you should do the same. It is much more important for your kids to see a good marriage modeled then it is to be in numerous activities and co-sleeping. I recommend the 3 year be moved to his own room this week and you limit activities for this school year to see how it goes.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:41     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:For all you saying he is reasonable how are we supposed to tell the kids they have to quit activities they love? It still seems like an unfair burden to them.


"Kids, running around to so many activities is taking too much of a toll on our family. We need to cut back to a reasonable number for everyone's sake, so we'd like each of your to think about your current activities and which one is most important to you." Then as seasons or sessions end, there's a natural stopping point where you don't sign up again. When they are older and can do more at school as extracurriculars, can drive themselves, or it's easier to arrange car pools, you can consider adding some back.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:39     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:We each made a list of things that would help accomplish that. I want us to split the chores more evenly . It’s about a 40/60 split now but I want something like 45/55 if not 50/50.

I also suggested a date night once a month.

DH is taking on more household things and has lined up a babysitter for this weekend and planned a date.

I’m having trouble implementing his list. The reason for that is I feel like his list unfairly targets the kids. Example he wants to limit them to 1 activity because he thinks we spend to much time rushing from place to place and prepping for activities.

He also wants to move youngest DC out of our room. DC is only 3 years old the other kids stayed with us until they were 5/6.

He says that fewer activities will give us more time in the evening and we mainly me will be less exhausted. He also thinks moving the baby will improve our intimacy. He’s not just talking sex . We have enough sex . He just “ wants me to himself.”

I think he’s being a little selfish. Which is odd because he’s always going on about putting the kids first. He’s a good dad to all 4 kids he has always treated my son as his own. Before anyone says iit he wanted kids very badly. He and his first wife actually divorced because she didn’t want kids.


Having young children in the marital bed only works if both partner are on board. Your DH isn’t on board anymore. A Three year old is old enough to sleep in their own bed in their bedroom (shared or otherwise). It’s okay for your husband to want you for himself in the bedroom.

How many activities are your children in today? How many times a week does each activity meet? How often do you have family dinners with everyone in the family at the dinner table?

How do your jobs impact schedules? What are the work hours including commutes?
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:37     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
For all you saying he is reasonable how are we supposed to tell the kids they have to quit activities they love? It still seems like an unfair burden to them.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:36     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You had a 6-year old sleeping in your room with you?


Yes. DS 1 stayed with us until he was about 2. DD 1 decided to move out about a year after my DS 2 was born. DS 2 moved out a little before the baby was born. To each their own. Bed/room sharing works for us.


You said the others have stayed in your room until age 5/6. How does this math work? What is the age gap between each of your 4 kids?
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:35     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:Your DH wants a wife!

He has a wife and he gets plenty of sex
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2018 17:34     Subject: Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us
Anonymous wrote:You had a 6-year old sleeping in your room with you?


Yes. DS 1 stayed with us until he was about 2. DD 1 decided to move out about a year after my DS 2 was born. DS 2 moved out a little before the baby was born. To each their own. Bed/room sharing works for us.