Anonymous
10/20/2018 10:00
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:40
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
I think DH’a defenders are missing the fact that DD was not late. According to OP, she has never actually been late. He is nagging her and then he got mad because she responded to him in a tone he didn’t like. he’s punishing her not for actually being late but for being pissed off about his nagging and criticism.
People who view relationships is all about power and proving that they have more power tend to be abusive in other ways too. OP, does your DH fly into rages about other things too? I mean? Are his issues with DD new and unique to her, or are they part of a broader behavior pattern in which he can’t tolerate being challenged and responds with shows of power?
People who view relationships is all about power and proving that they have more power tend to be abusive in other ways too. OP, does your DH fly into rages about other things too? I mean? Are his issues with DD new and unique to her, or are they part of a broader behavior pattern in which he can’t tolerate being challenged and responds with shows of power?
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:34
Subject: Re:DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:I have never been as angry with my teens as your DH is about one slightly pissy "I'm coming!" He is overreacting.
My kids and I accept that I am pushy and annoying in the morning and they are grumpy, slow and a little snappy in the morning. It doesn't ruin anyone's day, things go smoothly the rest of the time, and it's all forgotten (on both sides) as soon as they finally get out the door.
Wow your house must be a told shit show in the morning. Hope you kids correct your attitude in the morning.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:32
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
DH overreacted. Have him read, "your teen is crazy" book. Also, don't believe everything your 14 year old tells you.
Can pp who said OP was raised by critical, angry father explain? I don't get it, do you mean OP's DH was raised by a critical father?
Can pp who said OP was raised by critical, angry father explain? I don't get it, do you mean OP's DH was raised by a critical father?
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:31
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your dd is 100 % in the wrong. She needs to stop being disorganized and get her stuff together. I can’t stand dawdling. I would make her walk everyday and ground her for being disrespectful.
Agree. He isn’t wrong.
She isn’t in charge and she’s a low person on the totem pole in the family. She’s not respecting dad’s time or the others involved. Sometimes parents talk to their kids in a way they don’t like and that’s okay. That’s why they’re the parent and getting tomdomthat is part of the dynamic. She needs to get over it and realize discipline is an essential part of the parent/child relationship when the child is being rude, not listening after being told a hundred times to be more organized and punctual. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson for once since apparently Mom has no consequences for DD’s rude and disorganized behavior.
Wow. A lot of people on this board seem to have stepped right out of the 1950s. Go take some parenting classes, PP.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:30
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Our DD has always worshipped DH but she is now 14 and engaging in some "testing" behavior. She is a great kid, smart, kind, good grades, lots of friends, but she is also a typical teen: messy, disorganized, grumpy in the morning, argumentative. DH seems like he can't tolerate what to me seems like just normal adolescent behavior, and it is taking on toll on their relationship (and on all of us!).
Example: DH drives DD and our other kids to the school bus stop in the morning. Other kids are ready five minutes before it's time to leave; DD is still putting shoes on, looking for her book, etc. They have never actually been late or missed the bus, but she does tend to dawdle and be a bit disorganized ("Oh wait I have to run back to my room and get my gym clothes!"). DH is constantly on her about it: says, in a very irritable and judgmental way, "Are you ready? We're leaving in five minutes! Come ON! We're waiting!" This morning, DD responded pretty sulkily: she said, "I'm coming!" but in a pretty pissy voice, causing DH to say, as they walked out the door, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me," to which DD responded, as she started to open the car door, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I feel like you're not being very nice to me, either," at which DH said, "Get out of the car. I'm not taking you. You can walk."
So DH drives off with the other kids (who sit there in shocked silence, and call me, very upset, as soon as DH drops them off, and DD walks the mile to her bus stop, and also calls me, very upset.
Am I wrong to think DH overreacted? Now they're not speaking to each other, and when I say, "Maybe you should go talk to DD," DH says, "I'm not talking to her, she needs to apologize to ME."
This kind of thing is now happening frequently - he gets into these ridiculous power struggles and then HE acts like he's fourteen too. I hate watching this. DD feels angry and betrayed.
Suggestions?
Some kids need to learn lessons the hard way. It was your DD fault for not being ready and attacking your DH for the way he is speaking to her. This is a form of gaslighting. The person who is wrong turns everything around and blame the other person. DD is gaslighting your husband and you are going along with it. Your DD can walk all over you but she will not do the same to her father. Hope she was embarrassed and changes her behavior towards your HS.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:24
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your dd is 100 % in the wrong. She needs to stop being disorganized and get her stuff together. I can’t stand dawdling. I would make her walk everyday and ground her for being disrespectful.
Agree. He isn’t wrong.
She isn’t in charge and she’s a low person on the totem pole in the family. She’s not respecting dad’s time or the others involved. Sometimes parents talk to their kids in a way they don’t like and that’s okay. That’s why they’re the parent and getting tomdomthat is part of the dynamic. She needs to get over it and realize discipline is an essential part of the parent/child relationship when the child is being rude, not listening after being told a hundred times to be more organized and punctual. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson for once since apparently Mom has no consequences for DD’s rude and disorganized behavior.
Wow. A lot of people on this board seem to have stepped right out of the 1950s. Go take some parenting classes, PP.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 09:23
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Yes, this! OP isnt arguing DD should be allowed to dawdle and sulk to her hearts content- of course DD needs to be ready on time or face consequences. but OP is rightly concerned that her DH is taking normal teen behavior and overreacting to it, letting everything turn into stupid power struggles that just damage relationships. The choice isn’t between letting DD be a disrespectful slacker versus coming down hard and leaving her standing on the curb. It’s between teaching her the right way and teaching her the wrong way. DH is doing it wrong.
As someone said earlier, the right way is pretty simple— apskip the criticism and the judgment and just make it easy. “DD, I don’t want to be your case about getting ready in the morning and I don’t want you biting my head off. That stinks for both of us. I promise to stop nagging you, but from now on, departure is at 7, ready or not, okay? If you’re there you’re there, and if you’re not you’ll have to walk.”
That models respectful and firm behavior and DD will very quickly realize that if she doesn’t want to walk, she needs to be on time, no fighting, no yelling, no criticizing, just establishing expectations and being firm. Everyone keeps their self respect, no one “loses.” That’s authoritative parenting, not permissive, not authoritarian, and a whole lot more likely to produce healthy, self-regulating teens with healthy relationships with their parents.
Someone started another thread on good books for raising teens. Don’t recall them all, but one was “Yes your teen is crazy,” by Michael Bradley, and I think one was by the woman who wrote “How to Talk so Kids will Listen.”
As someone said earlier, the right way is pretty simple— apskip the criticism and the judgment and just make it easy. “DD, I don’t want to be your case about getting ready in the morning and I don’t want you biting my head off. That stinks for both of us. I promise to stop nagging you, but from now on, departure is at 7, ready or not, okay? If you’re there you’re there, and if you’re not you’ll have to walk.”
That models respectful and firm behavior and DD will very quickly realize that if she doesn’t want to walk, she needs to be on time, no fighting, no yelling, no criticizing, just establishing expectations and being firm. Everyone keeps their self respect, no one “loses.” That’s authoritative parenting, not permissive, not authoritarian, and a whole lot more likely to produce healthy, self-regulating teens with healthy relationships with their parents.
Someone started another thread on good books for raising teens. Don’t recall them all, but one was “Yes your teen is crazy,” by Michael Bradley, and I think one was by the woman who wrote “How to Talk so Kids will Listen.”
Anonymous
10/20/2018 08:05
Subject: Re:DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
I have never been as angry with my teens as your DH is about one slightly pissy "I'm coming!" He is overreacting.
My kids and I accept that I am pushy and annoying in the morning and they are grumpy, slow and a little snappy in the morning. It doesn't ruin anyone's day, things go smoothly the rest of the time, and it's all forgotten (on both sides) as soon as they finally get out the door.
My kids and I accept that I am pushy and annoying in the morning and they are grumpy, slow and a little snappy in the morning. It doesn't ruin anyone's day, things go smoothly the rest of the time, and it's all forgotten (on both sides) as soon as they finally get out the door.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 07:41
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:WTF? Your DD apologized to your DH and for that she got kicked out of the car.
He’s being a grade A jerk.
Your daughters is acting like a teenager but she’s 14, what’s your husband’s excuse for acting like a baby?
THIS!!! She apologized! She apologized and pointed out that she didn’t feel like he was being nice to her either.
I also completely understand DH’s frustration. My oldest DD sounds like your dd. Dawdles, easily distracted, unorganized and SLOW. I also take her to her bus stop in the morning on my way to the metro and it drives me bonkers when she isn’t ready when we need to leave. But in this case, she apologized and your DH flipped out when she pointed out that he was being mean.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 07:41
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:The issue isn’t whether DD should learn to be ready for school on time or not and whether she should treat people respectfully or not. Of course she should. The issue is, what kind of parenting is most likely to produce an on-time, respectful child?
....
DH needs some better parenting techniques. If he keeps this up he’s going to have kids who hate him or fear him.
Can you share what techniques you used that produced your in-time and respectful teen(s)? Thanks!
Anonymous
10/20/2018 07:14
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
If my kid witnesses this situation, came home and told me about it, from the outside it would look to me like the action of an loud mouth, obnoxious abusive jerk. I would think differently about your family and you because I would wonder if you are secretly one of those abused wives. I would also likely repeat the story to others who know you as a subtle way to warn them about your DH. And yes it really only takes the one episode like this . Believe me lots of moms would do something similar.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 06:50
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
This is tough and I see both sides. Teenage years are hard. I’m slightly on team dd because dh should act like an adult and be the first to reach out. He’s pouting like a toddler.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 01:28
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The issue isn’t whether DD should learn to be ready for school on time or not and whether she should treat people respectfully or not. Of course she should. The issue is, what kind of parenting is most likely to produce an on-time, respectful child?
DH thinks nagging, criticizing and punishing her will help. That’s where he’s wrong. Criticizing and punishing her might lead to superficial compliance (she’ll be on time) but it will produce a child who is either furiously resentful or terrified of her father. Neither is good. The goal is to get voluntary compliance. It’s reasonable to say “we leave at 730” and stick to it whether she is ready or not, but kicking her out of the car is just guaranteed to backfire.
DH needs some better parenting techniques. If he keeps this up he’s going to have kids who hate him or fear him.
The really sad thing? OP was raised by a critical, angry, controlling father. And he hasn’t spoken to him in two decades. That is what breaks my heart about this.
Oh OK, better to make sure everyone is DD’s best friend and she’s never criticized, then. God forbid.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 01:27
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Your dd is 100 % in the wrong. She needs to stop being disorganized and get her stuff together. I can’t stand dawdling. I would make her walk everyday and ground her for being disrespectful.
Agree. He isn’t wrong.
She isn’t in charge and she’s a low person on the totem pole in the family. She’s not respecting dad’s time or the others involved. Sometimes parents talk to their kids in a way they don’t like and that’s okay. That’s why they’re the parent and getting tomdomthat is part of the dynamic. She needs to get over it and realize discipline is an essential part of the parent/child relationship when the child is being rude, not listening after being told a hundred times to be more organized and punctual. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson for once since apparently Mom has no consequences for DD’s rude and disorganized behavior.