Anonymous wrote:I think people who ask really don't realize that they're essentially bringing up a topic that amounts to a death in the family at a happy social event. It is just a normal topic to many people. And that's one of the many things that makes infertility such a painful parallel universe. Sometimes it works to just give a slight no nod of your head and then answer with a another, unrelated question. Like, "how do you know Suzy and Joe?" I think a lot of people would catch the drift there that you don't want to answer. And it's a way of deflecting the question that doesn't require you to divulge anything. Sorry about your situation. It sounds very painful on multiple levels.

And for me, this is why I answered brutally honestly to the few people who were rude enough to ask because you're right- most people don't mean to be rude, they just chat about it like they chat about the weather. And when I would say "actually I just miscarried, and then just had an ectopic after that, so I don't know if it's something that will happen for us", people will realize the enormity of what they just asked and maybe keep their traps shut with the next woman they are "just chatting" with.

Anonymous wrote:I prefer to be excruciatingly honest so they feel at least a little uncomfortable and hopefully some shame for asking so that maybe they will think twice before they ask someone else. It makes me so angry that it’s considered acceptable small talk.

I did this. I had a miscarriage, followed by an ectopic pregnancy, and the day after I got my first methotrexate shot for my ectopic a random nanny that I saw around town a lot (I had a 2 year old at the time) was like, " so when you are you going to give him a little brother or sister!! It's time!! He needs one!" and I was so surprised that she was so blatant about it that I said very boldly "yes, I've had two losses the past few months, and am in the process of aborting an ectopic pregnancy this week actually! So, it's not for lack of trying." She looked so shocked that she never asked again, even when I was visibly pregnant a few months after that.

My heart goes out to you! I felt the same way for 18 years of our marriage with no children. It was difficult not to get defensive when someone asked me about our child status. I would try to keep my answers brief such as: "It just hasn't happened yet" or "We're praying". Depending on my relationship with the person, I may go into more detail if I think it would help them to understand (and not ask anymore questions). Ultimately, I think I had to come to terms with the fact that God is in control and I am not. Once I started living the life I had been given (with or without kids), I was able to get past the questions and remarks that had previously bothered me. I'm praying that you will see your life as a gift, no matter what the future holds.

My shut-it-down line is: "it's not up to us."