Anonymous wrote:OP you’re not going to like this but, the truth is, a stepmom is about to take all that off his plate. My dad picked out the best stepmoms. They did so much for me.

Er, after your parents divorced, your father remarried multiple times? Father of the effing year right there.

Anonymous wrote:OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

This is what I have seen too. Starts out 50/50. Mom never bails our dad. Kids put a lot of pressure on dad to take them to soccer practice, feed them, and help with science projects. Dad puts it all on the nanny, who is already stressed going between two households. Nanny quits. Mom comes up with alternative childcare during her time with the kids. Does not help out dad. Dad bails on 50/50.

OP I am in the Midwest, and no one I lnow has 50/50. Dads always bail on this.

Sometimes they surprise you. My ex was very hands off and not around much prior to the divorce. Yes, he struggled a bit the first few months learning how to parent, but he figured it out and has a good relationship with her now.

It is hard to trust and let go at first. I worked from home and was with her 24/7 until she went to school. We both had some adjusting to do as co-parents.

Anonymous wrote:To be blunt, OP, it doesn't matter whether you agree with it or not. If he's a good Dad (and you said he is) and there aren't any serious issues (and you said there aren't) and he wants this (and you said he does), it's going to happen. Listing all the DR appts. you went to, and he didn't, won't change that. So accept the inevitable, and make the best of it.

Yeah, I think it would make it easier if you stop thinking of it as something that is *your* decision. He’s just as equal of a parent and decision-maker. You don’t come at it from an upper hand because you are the mom.

To be blunt, OP, it doesn't matter whether you agree with it or not. If he's a good Dad (and you said he is) and there aren't any serious issues (and you said there aren't) and he wants this (and you said he does), it's going to happen. Listing all the DR appts. you went to, and he didn't, won't change that. So accept the inevitable, and make the best of it.

OP you’re not going to like this but, the truth is, a stepmom is about to take all that off his plate. My dad picked out the best stepmoms. They did so much for me.

He’ll figure it out. The only reason he wasn’t doing it before is because you were.

Doing the doctors appointments has nothing to do with getting custody. Can he adequately care for them during his time? If you do a custody battle, you will end up hurting your kids - either against you from stopping contact or against him in order to win. Is that the example for the type of people you want your kids to become? Being a lousy husband has nothing to do with being a good/bad father. You need to separate the two.

The hardest part of divorce, IMO, is the unknown. OP, your heart is worried about your kids, and about all those times you won't know what's going on, and he won't really have to tell you (doctor's appts, ok, but especially as they get older, you'll know less and less about what happens at events he attends vs. you, on his days, what he talks about with the school, etc.).

But it will be ok! It really won't be a black hole. Your children will talk to you, and you'll likely be more involved than you want to be after a while. And you are going to get so much time back.

Anonymous wrote:I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

This won’t work here. I make more money. I actually think this is part of why he wants 50/50 custody. I have to pay him child support no matter what our custody arrangements are.

I did not agree to 50/50. I knew my ex well. I used child support to negotiate. I agreed to dramatically less child support in exchange for primary physical custody. He had every other week end and four week over the summer.

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes I would stipulate that you agree to 50/50 as long as you have a fixed date to review and modify custody if it’s not working out. Maybe 2-6 months? It’s much easier if he agrees upfront. Document everything. If he’s not doing 50% of doctors/dentists/carpools/etc ask for an appropriate modification. You’ll have a much stronger case and you will look really reasonable if you say “Look, I agreed to 50/50 but he’s asking me to cover for him several times a week- let’s change custody to reflect our reality.”

Who decides whether or not it's "not working out"? Obviously he's not going to agree that the OP should decide it. And the OP does not want to spend money to go to court to have the court decide.

Anonymous wrote:That’s exactly why I’m leaning toward agreeing to this. He may have been a crappy husband, but he’s a good dad. And if we go to court, yes, I can subpoena all the records from every doctors visit for the last 10 years showing that I went to 99% of the visits and he went to 5% of the visits... but I’ll spend $50K to potentially have a judge still award 50/50 and by then we REALLY hate each other and we only live a few blocks apart....

The court won't care about that. Sorry. If you can prove he beats and neglects the children, then you've got something. But he doesn't.

Anonymous wrote:Just let him fail and slowly move to more custody for youself
He isn't going to change who he is and actually start doing the work.

IME, this is how it works. My Ex made all the same promises, but he just wasn’t capable of it. In the end, I just kept picking up the ball when he dropped it. In my situation, he never made a place for the kids to sleep, so we never transitioned to 50/50 physical custody, but I did facilitate 50/50 visitation. Over time he even dropped some visitation with the kids when he got married, which was very painful to them. He still sees them several times a week, but visitation is largely facilitated by me. I do all parenting and doc appts, activities,etc., which definitely has hurt my career and income. But, it gives the kids a very stable life. Kids do better with 2 involved parents, but at a minimum they need one stable parent who gets them and whom they can count on.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Allow the chance at full custody. IMO, don’t bother to go back to court to modify. When he can’t do things, be prepared to step in quietly to “help out”. If he can’t manage, you will find your custody arrangement evolving to less physical custody to him, probably with kids staying more with you on weekdays so they can be successful in school.

But, warning DO NOT trade time away on the weekends when he says he is unable to do weekday parenting. It is not healthy for you to be the parent who does all the chores and has no fun time with kids.

My kids are in HS now. They love him. They spend time with him. But they see how horribly irresponsible he is as a parent. I think they wish he were different, but realize he cannot be and that, although it affects them, they are not the reason he can’t be more.