Anonymous wrote:I never know how to respond to people when they talk to me about their secondary infertility. I try to be a good listener and be supportive, but often people start with a statement like “I’m not interested in using donor eggs.” They think since I have three kids close together, I can’t possibly understand what they are going through. However, what they don’t know is that all three of my kids are donor egg kids and, if I took that position, I would be childless. I respect that donor eggs aren’t for everyone, but I also feel a bit weird commiserating with someone over their inability to have a second child because they don’t want to go the route I did to become a parent. You might know more people than you think who experienced secondary infertility. They just solved the problem in a way that you don’t realize.

This is a great point. May i ask what do you think the hesitation is re: donor egg? I used to be one of those people that was like hellz no re: donor egg but now realizing not sure why i reacted so strongly against it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might know people, but they don't necessarily talk about it. I never mentioned it, if I was asked if we wanted a second I would just say we were thinking about it. I did confide in one acquaintance (now one of my best friends), but only after she mentioned her similar struggle and lack of support. And she only mentioned it because she'd just come from the doctor and started crying while our kids were in dance lessons. I felt I could trust her because she was going through it too. All of that to say, if you haven't confided in friends maybe you should, if you're comfortable with that. You might have people around you that are dealing with similar issues. I think a lot of us that struggle with these issues don't feel comfortable reaching out for support. I wish it were different.

+1. some of the "one and done" people you know may not be able to have a second and are trying to put a good spin on it.

also, I think Resolve has a secondary IF support group, that may be helpful too

Sometimes one and done means they went through fire for their first and simply aren't willing to do it again. It is not uncommon for couples to make that decision even while doing ART for the first. When you deplete your savings and go through the emotional turmoil of trying to conceive it can help to state up front that as a couple you won't do this again. So while one child is intentional it is still related to infertility issues.

I never know how to respond to people when they talk to me about their secondary infertility. I try to be a good listener and be supportive, but often people start with a statement like “I’m not interested in using donor eggs.” They think since I have three kids close together, I can’t possibly understand what they are going through. However, what they don’t know is that all three of my kids are donor egg kids and, if I took that position, I would be childless. I respect that donor eggs aren’t for everyone, but I also feel a bit weird commiserating with someone over their inability to have a second child because they don’t want to go the route I did to become a parent. You might know more people than you think who experienced secondary infertility. They just solved the problem in a way that you don’t realize.

I am in the beginning of this journey. I am 34 with a 3 year old that I got pregnant with on my own. Been TTC for a year. I’m doing my CD3 blood work and an ultrasound at the beginning of my next cycle. I am in a Facebook group for women with secondary infertility and sometimes I find it helpful (both emotionally and with the more technical aspects of fertility health) and sometimes I find it emotionally draining so I stop reading.

This season is starting to really get to me. I get so depressed at the baby toy ads on TV. If we had gotten pregnant within a few months of trying (as we did with our 3 year old ... it took us 5 well-timed cycles to get pregnant with him) I would be due right around the end of the year.

Just wanted to say I am right there with you. And it sucks so much. Just in the last 2 weeks I have had three friends/family members announce pregnancies and they all just started trying. I just want to cry.

I meant to say 15:07 post.

I am in the same boat. And infertility support groups are more with women that have no kids. While they are welcoming I think we have different challenges: for example feeling guilty that we focus so much on # 2 that we may be not giving enough attention to #1....I have my sister pregnant at the moment and one of my best friends.I've been trying for 2 years have had 3 mmc, a cp and an ectopic pregnancy, this last one as a result of an IUI. They didn't see it and sent me to emergency room so right now I am not sure where I stand, if I will continue trying or if I have to start working on also giving up the idea of more kids.

If you don't mind, could I join you and 10:51? I also live in NoVa.

My secondary infertility journey has been a long one. My DD is 8 years old. We waited til she was 4 to really start TTC #2. And here we are 4 years later, hearts broken and not sure how much more we can afford emotionally or financially. We’re out there, OP.

I’m so sorry. And I’ve been there. I remember trying hard (4 ivf’s) for #2.

I once ran into a girl that I met in the hospital when delivering #1, and several years later she had 3 kids. I was so hurt and jealous. We did eventually get pregnant with twins, and now have 3 kids too. It was a painful journey though. Hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:You might know people, but they don't necessarily talk about it. I never mentioned it, if I was asked if we wanted a second I would just say we were thinking about it. I did confide in one acquaintance (now one of my best friends), but only after she mentioned her similar struggle and lack of support. And she only mentioned it because she'd just come from the doctor and started crying while our kids were in dance lessons. I felt I could trust her because she was going through it too. All of that to say, if you haven't confided in friends maybe you should, if you're comfortable with that. You might have people around you that are dealing with similar issues. I think a lot of us that struggle with these issues don't feel comfortable reaching out for support. I wish it were different.

+1. some of the "one and done" people you know may not be able to have a second and are trying to put a good spin on it.

also, I think Resolve has a secondary IF support group, that may be helpful too

Also OP, even though I just got a BFP I feel like I could miscarry at any moment and I won't consider it real until about 20 weeks which is an eternity away. I was an only child and my DD might still be one but I agree 100% - only kids need to find other only kids. There needs to be a group. Looking back at my childhood almost all my closest friends for only kids - we stick together and we are strong, resilient and independent. You have to count your blessings for the one you have - that is what I tell myself and it does help some..

Hi OP,

I'm going through secondary infertility. At 33 I conceived my DD after 4 months of trying - then discovered I had a pre-mutatiion for fragile X and then had a CVS test around 11 weeks. Waited for about a month for those results and everything turned out fine. That pregnancy was uneventful and easy except for the psychological torture of waiting on the CVS test results. I never thought I wanted more than one kid and honestly for the first 2 years of DD's life I was all consumed with just her and then I became consumed with having just 1 more.

At 36 after 6 months of trying I went to an RE and had all the prerequisites to begin IVF. After several months of consideration and continued efforts trying to conceive naturally I opted for multi cycle with PGD/PGS testing. It took almost a full year to convince my husband of the financial commitment and for the perfect timing in our lives. I went through one 1 round of IVf and the FET with PGD/PGS normal embryo and it failed. I thought something was wrong with me and like you I saw families all around me expanding - it was very rare to see an only. I even went so far as to tell my DD I couldn't have another baby - trying to manage her (and my) expectations. There were very hard days but I took solace in knowing I had at least 1 healthy child. Even though I was depressed , I took comfort in that especially knowing so many women out there were struggling for their one DC. I felt very grateful but still depressed. I thought about therapy but ultimately this online support group helped the most. Reading so many stories of what women are going through reminded me I wasn't alone and again I should be grateful for what I have. After taking a few months off of before 2nd round of IVF I was ready to try again. So I went through another round (retrieval, testing, transfer, etc) and at 38 just got a BFP. It is so early that it's not real and honestly way too early to get excited but it is a glimmer of hope. My advice - you will know when you are done trying but until then keep fighting and doing everything you can. There are so many women out there going through what you are or even harder scenarios and most importantly hug the one DC you have with all your might. Whatever happens at least you will know you tried. Wishing you all the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a bunch of people with secondary infertility, but I"m also over 40, so I think it's more common. I think the fact that I'm not in a tight knit group of friends who are all having kids now is very helpful, but not sure having friends dealing with 2ndary IF is a huge help (definitely nice sometimes). Everyone I know is handling it differently, so after a certain point, we're not really going through quite the same thing. One friend decided not to do IVF and be done with one. One friend who is younger has PCOS and is almost certainly going to be successful with IVF. I had good #s, but many many rounds of IVF never worked, so I did DE. My other friend was told her #s were bad, easily had #1, but with the additional couple of years is expecting to struggle with #2, but hasn't quited started yet.

With all due respect, there's a huge difference between dealing with secondary infertility and making decisions (or having those decisions made for you) and saying you have secondary infertility and then getting pregnant within a few months of beginning to try to conceive.

I'm in my mid-thirties, and my "infertile" friends generally (not all) fall in the latter category. Hence the quotation marks.

I did 8 rounds of IVF before moving to DE, my friend that is done had at least 5 losses before deciding to stop, my friend with PCOS has tried other forms of ART for at least a year, and my friend that got lucky for #1 had such bad #s multiple REs said less than 1% chance and her #s were too bad to even do IVF (so she dealt with primary infertility, too, just got lucky soon after seeing an RE), so your post implying that we're not really dealing with secondary IF seems out of place.

Np, I also didn't really understand this response. I'm wondering if the pp meant to quote a different entry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a bunch of people with secondary infertility, but I"m also over 40, so I think it's more common. I think the fact that I'm not in a tight knit group of friends who are all having kids now is very helpful, but not sure having friends dealing with 2ndary IF is a huge help (definitely nice sometimes). Everyone I know is handling it differently, so after a certain point, we're not really going through quite the same thing. One friend decided not to do IVF and be done with one. One friend who is younger has PCOS and is almost certainly going to be successful with IVF. I had good #s, but many many rounds of IVF never worked, so I did DE. My other friend was told her #s were bad, easily had #1, but with the additional couple of years is expecting to struggle with #2, but hasn't quited started yet.

With all due respect, there's a huge difference between dealing with secondary infertility and making decisions (or having those decisions made for you) and saying you have secondary infertility and then getting pregnant within a few months of beginning to try to conceive.

I'm in my mid-thirties, and my "infertile" friends generally (not all) fall in the latter category. Hence the quotation marks.

I did 8 rounds of IVF before moving to DE, my friend that is done had at least 5 losses before deciding to stop, my friend with PCOS has tried other forms of ART for at least a year, and my friend that got lucky for #1 had such bad #s multiple REs said less than 1% chance and her #s were too bad to even do IVF (so she dealt with primary infertility, too, just got lucky soon after seeing an RE), so your post implying that we're not really dealing with secondary IF seems out of place.

You might know people, but they don't necessarily talk about it. I never mentioned it, if I was asked if we wanted a second I would just say we were thinking about it. I did confide in one acquaintance (now one of my best friends), but only after she mentioned her similar struggle and lack of support. And she only mentioned it because she'd just come from the doctor and started crying while our kids were in dance lessons. I felt I could trust her because she was going through it too. All of that to say, if you haven't confided in friends maybe you should, if you're comfortable with that. You might have people around you that are dealing with similar issues. I think a lot of us that struggle with these issues don't feel comfortable reaching out for support. I wish it were different.