Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Look if you aren’t feeling any passion for your own husband, the marriage is over and you should divorce ASAP, go find a new partner whom you respect and desire. Why do women feel entitled to just stay married for convenience when there is no love or desire? Sorry but that is not a marriage at all.

Doesn’t seem like OP is the entitled one.

I think a better word would be “obliged”.

His job is investment management.

What were your marriage vows?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Of course it will hurt him—and, you know what, that’s ok. Fixing your marriage requires honesty, and he is going to have to deal with these painful truths if he is going to overcome them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Look if you aren’t feeling any passion for your own husband, the marriage is over and you should divorce ASAP, go find a new partner whom you respect and desire. Why do women feel entitled to just stay married for convenience when there is no love or desire? Sorry but that is not a marriage at all.

What? Feeling passion for your spouse has been a requirement for marriage literally never. If that was your benchmark, there would be very few marriages out there.

Anonymous wrote:I can see why you're not on the same page. Have you been married longer than 10 years? If so you will owe him child support and alimony. Nothing wrong with that but I would ask for 50/50 custody and mediation. Meet with an divorce attorney and find out your stats. Just pull off the band aid and do it. The longer you stay with him the more money you will owe.

He has a $1mm+ in the bank. He would probably owe her. Why would she owe him alimony??

To be honest, if his 50K/year income is steady and he doesn't WANT another job, there is nothing wrong with him staying at home as long as he takes a more active homemaker role - drives kids places, handles cooking, cleaning and other household stuff - you know, the way a low-earning wife with an undemanding job would.

And with a 300K/year income, you guys sound affluent enough to outsource at least some housework to reduce the stress levels in your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Look if you aren’t feeling any passion for your own husband, the marriage is over and you should divorce ASAP, go find a new partner whom you respect and desire. Why do women feel entitled to just stay married for convenience when there is no love or desire? Sorry but that is not a marriage at all.

I don't see any way in which this marriage is convenient to the OP. It actually sounds extremely inconvenient.

You feel that way bc a guy is supposed to be the provider of the family. If he can’t do that, his worth in the eyes of the wife drops precipitously. This is basic female-male stuff

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Look if you aren’t feeling any passion for your own husband, the marriage is over and you should divorce ASAP, go find a new partner whom you respect and desire. Why do women feel entitled to just stay married for convenience when there is no love or desire? Sorry but that is not a marriage at all.

Doesn’t seem like OP is the entitled one.

I can clearly see why you wouldn’t want to be intimate w/this man.

I definitely wouldn’t.

A person who doesn’t do anything all day PLUS won’t lift a finger around the house or contribute to caring for his child(ren) is certainly no catch in my book.

I get that he is depressed, but there are medications + therapy widely available for him.
There is no excuse for you to be the breadwinner as well as the one who does all the things needed to keep the home fires burning.

Honestly, the title of your post doesn't really do justice to the issues.

He's got mental illness that's impacting his ability to work, function in the household, etc.

Yelling like that is abusive.

And on top of it, even from the beginning the sex was "work."

I know what it is to love someone you shouldn't, but there's a point where "love" is not enough.

His behavior does not sound loving towards you, btw.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not repulsed by him or anything: he is in great shape (All those gym trips) and is attractive, he just prefers me in the active role... honestly I would lie back and think of England if that would work, but it wouldn't. I don't want a divorce... at least not yet... since he is actively working on his issues. I guess I just maybe need to find a way to talk to him about this: to let him know that sex feels like a problem right now, and it's not unrelated to his getting his shit together more generally. I am afraid that will hurt him though.

Look if you aren’t feeling any passion for your own husband, the marriage is over and you should divorce ASAP, go find a new partner whom you respect and desire. Why do women feel entitled to just stay married for convenience when there is no love or desire? Sorry but that is not a marriage at all.

Anonymous wrote:Good God, people. OP didn't say anything about getting a divorce, but immediately gets a dozen "Divorce him!" responses.

How did you miss the part here she does not want sex with him? The marriage is over, she should divorce him.

You cannot have a succesful marriage if you are afraid to hurt his feelings. You should try not to hurt his feelings if you can help it, but you have to be able to be honest about big issues.

The only thing to do here is to have many painful conversations. In therapy is a good place to do this. There is NO reason you should always have to have sex on his terms, but it sounds like every aspect of your relationship happens on his terms or not at all. That is a major sign of abuse. It sounds like he is manupulative and has used his anger as a threat to keep you from questioning him or calling him on his BS. Sex, like all aspects of marriage, ahould be a partnership where both people are working hard to make sure their partner is getting what they need and want. Sounds like right now, you and your husband are working toward the goal of what HE wants and what you want isn’t even on the map.