Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

Op, do you realize that "help plan" and "have a say" in your context are wildly different things. Help plan = discuss with host how you could HELP: which dish is not covered yet that you could cook at home and bring, picking up ice or something else on the way, discussing who would supervise kids, help set the table, clean up and dish leftovers. That's helping to plan.

"having a say" in your context is dictating your preferences to the host. In no way this is helpful or related to "help". I don't know your family, and why cookies thing is not practiced by the host. Maybe there are ants in the house or her kids are pre-diabetic. Maybe she has no cleaning service and picking up cookie crumbs all over the house after hosting family Xmas is a bit too much for her. Could be something else. But they are a host, and if they don't want it - as a civilized guest you'll have to respect it.

Please don't kid yourself about being "helpful" with your suggestions. Your whims are yours alone and don't help anybody.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My kids are the only grandkids and my MIL starts in Sept / Oct asking me what the kids will want to do, nap schedules, etc. so that she can start researching activities. My in-laws also ask for a list of the kids’ favorite foods so that they have some on hand.

Anonymous wrote:If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

+1

In a functional family, you would say that you'd like to have the kids leave cookies out for Santa, and people would consider whether that contradicted or precluded some other important tradition, realize that it didn't, and say fine. You might volunteer to bring the cookies if they don't have any.

In a functional family, you'd say that you'd really like to make your family's special potatoes for the meal, and the host would think about whether that was wildly inappropriate based on the menu she was planning, realize it wasn't, and say fine. Or she'd say that her family has their own special potato recipe, and ask if there was another dish you'd like to bring.

The people responding that you shouldn't expect any input into celebrating a major holiday with your in-laws come from dysfunctional families. Unless you're asking for big changes to their holiday traditions or demanding rather than discussing, it's totally reasonable to make some suggestions and requests.

I completely agree with this. Nice normal families can be nice and normal under the same roof. Just one holiday spent with my husband's family was enough to see that they were some wackadoodle power stuff, crazy sibling in-fighting, happening that I didn't want to be a part of. I tread lightly in that house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

+1

In a functional family, you would say that you'd like to have the kids leave cookies out for Santa, and people would consider whether that contradicted or precluded some other important tradition, realize that it didn't, and say fine. You might volunteer to bring the cookies if they don't have any.

In a functional family, you'd say that you'd really like to make your family's special potatoes for the meal, and the host would think about whether that was wildly inappropriate based on the menu she was planning, realize it wasn't, and say fine. Or she'd say that her family has their own special potato recipe, and ask if there was another dish you'd like to bring.

The people responding that you shouldn't expect any input into celebrating a major holiday with your in-laws come from dysfunctional families. Unless you're asking for big changes to their holiday traditions or demanding rather than discussing, it's totally reasonable to make some suggestions and requests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

OP if the above is similar to your ILs attitude, please stay home!

Nobody needs to be railroaded by Holiday dictators on Christmas. I can’t stand hosting martyrs who simultaneously complain about all the work it entails while shutting down anyone who wants to contribute.

Anonymous wrote:No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.