Me personally... I would pray continuously until something happened, some change took place...

Another poster here. I have 2 children from a prior marriage (12 and 7) and my current DW and I have a 2 YO together. Everything was going great until the 3YO was born. He was a true blessing but it amped up the tension in the house. Over the past year, DW and DD (12) have been at odds - lots of arguing, talking back, not listening and DW for a while was deferential to me to discipline but has stepped up to start disciplining. Her tolerance for things is different that mine so she and I and her and DD are at times at odds. The tension is there when all the kids are together when they are with us and it's made me emotionally fried. As a result, sex has taken a real back seat just mostly because of different philosophies of parenting being at odds with each other. DW and I are like ships passing in the night sometimes and I can feel the distance getting bigger. No abuse, no AP, nothing else but just gradual death by 1000 cuts. Hoping things will change.

Anonymous wrote:We are about to split because we just cannot see eye-to-eye on certain things, namely our future and how to get there. I’m consumed by the day to day, our small kids, parenting/working/cooking/etc. My amibition is dead. He is obsessed with “progress” and the idea of retiring early and avoiding, at ALL costs, being “stagnant” or what I would consider stable. I think he thrives on chaos and change, while I hate change and crave stability. We just can’t figure out how to make it work. I’m devastated.

Divorce will be a big change

Anonymous wrote:We are about to separate. Affection, friendship, companionship, kindness, and sex dropped off to nothing in the past two years. No fighting, no alcohol, abuse, or affair. Just turned into platonic housemates. We got to the point where we were both desperate to have sex... just not with each other.

I wonder how much of this is one spouse waiting for the other to ‘do something’ and just sitting back passively. Or maybe even thinking screw it it’s all up to him. As opposed to saying I’m going to do my best to make this a great marriage - and commicating this to the other spouse.

Anonymous wrote:^ that's abuse

I agree - and in this case it goes both ways. sigh

Anonymous wrote:We are about to split because we just cannot see eye-to-eye on certain things, namely our future and how to get there. I’m consumed by the day to day, our small kids, parenting/working/cooking/etc. My amibition is dead. He is obsessed with “progress” and the idea of retiring early and avoiding, at ALL costs, being “stagnant” or what I would consider stable. I think he thrives on chaos and change, while I hate change and crave stability. We just can’t figure out how to make it work. I’m devastated.

You should marry MY husband! We just became empty nesters and I want to go out and explore the world while he wants to have a stable, predictable routine. It feels like a slow death to me. Maybe you two would be perfect for each other!

My parents divorced and there was no addiction, adultery or abuse.

It's linked to historic events, but you will get the idea. My father was a teen/young man in the Great Depression, and in NY so life was rough for him. So, like lots of people in that generation, he was compulsive about saving and not spending, etc.

My mom was 10 years younger, and grew up on a farm where there was always food, so The Great Depression didn't affect her the way it did my dad--basically she grew up feeling secure and he did not.

My father just could not spend money at all. My mom jokes that she left him over a can of tuna fish "I had nothing for your kids' lunches but he wouldn't buy it because it wasn't on sale until Thursday." Multiply that by 1,000 scenarios...there is your death by 1,000 cuts.

I also think that my dad was probably a bit on the spectrum, or just a very engineering-type guy (he was a scientist) and my mom was an extremely social and socially nuanced person, and that wasn't working out well when she wants to go to dinner with friends, and he's worried about the cost and also telling her if she needs a belt for her ONE dress, to use his...you can see how this is going...

WITHOUT KIDS, divorce away! Otherwise, without one of the 3 A's, I judge you harshly.

^ that's abuse

This sounds like my in-laws. FIL makes horrible comments about MIL weight when he has put on a good 30 pounds since he retired. They are either bickering at each other or not communicating at all. They sleep in separate rooms and watch tv in separate rooms. Neither of them are happy but neither of them are willing to take steps toward making it better or divorcing either. MIL and FIL insecurities step back to childhood for both of them, but I don't see either of them going to therapy to explore the past.

Given this, I think the first step here is actually wanting to change whatever situation you are in.

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering how many folks out here are contemplating divorce or have divorced even though these things in my thread title are not at play? Obviously drug and alcohol addiction, sexual/verbal/physical abuse, affairs, etc all have a hand in leading to divorce but what about the silent killer of marriages - I call it death by a thousand cuts. The accumulation of years of frustration, criticisms, lack of sex, etc. How do you overcome that? Seems like with the previous issues, there's typically a concrete plan of how to deal with it via therapy but how do you deal with the more passive scenario?

That could be abuse, by the way. I'm not waving the flag and calling all spouses who have ever said a mean word abusers, but it's quite possible that you have, in fact, been enduring verbal abuse.

There were none of the things you listed present in my previous marriage. It was more that in 10 years he went nowhere and did none of the things he said he was going to do and I couldn't take it anymore. We didn't have kids, so that made it a lot easier, I would have felt differently in that scenario.

We are about to split because we just cannot see eye-to-eye on certain things, namely our future and how to get there. I’m consumed by the day to day, our small kids, parenting/working/cooking/etc. My amibition is dead. He is obsessed with “progress” and the idea of retiring early and avoiding, at ALL costs, being “stagnant” or what I would consider stable. I think he thrives on chaos and change, while I hate change and crave stability. We just can’t figure out how to make it work. I’m devastated.

My XH and I were so caught up in our careers that we became strangers. Both of us had tons of business travel and we spent little time together. Finally we just accepted that neither of us really wanted to make the changes needed. It was sad, but there were no children involved. I remarried five years ago, changed jobs and made my marriage a priority and it's really worked out for me. My X is continuing to do his career thing alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man. Having an affair and not having sex are two totally different issues. If you have an affair you are cutting off the channels and mechanisms by which marriage / monogamy is supposed to get you to work on your sex life with one other individual. I do think lack of sex can be a legit reason for a divorce, but it's not really a legit reason for lying to your partner and cheating on them.

But you just said that lack of sex is legit reason for divorce. In other words, you agreed with my assertion that these are equivalent from the perspective of divorce.

Man up and file for divorce already. Then you can get off DCUM relationship board.