Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large home (15,000sf). I have two much older kids and a new baby. I’m meeting some new moms and want to have them over but am afraid my house is too large.

When my older kids were younger, we lived in a smaller large house (8,000sf) and even then some people would comment on how large our house was.

I feel like one of the new mom friends I made dropped me after coming over. We used to chat about baby topics and trade advice. She stopped inviting me out and her texts have become really short. I know it could be a million other things but it happened right after she came over. Other moms joke about our different wings and servants. We don’t have servants, just a housekeeper. They will comment on how I don’t know what it is like since someone else cleans and does the laundry.

I have become so overly self conscious about this that I am afraid to host a play date in my home.

Am I totally overthinking this?
Would you not reciprocate if you went to a play date in a home that was too large?

OP, I think your obvious displays of wealth are intimidating to a lot of people. I know that I would be intimidated by a mansion with a housekeeper (not just someone who comes over regularly to clean, but a full time housekeeper). I would feel uncomfortable if you came to my 2-bedroom condo because it is very much outside of what you're used to. I would not drop you as a friend, but I would probably try to avoid playdates at either of our homes. In your friend's case, it sounds like maybe she does not see you as a person who can provide advice to her or talk about baby stuff since your entire life perspective is going to be shaped by your environment. I would constantly be worried that if I was expressing frustration with something, you would offer advice that would be applicable to a very wealthy person. My 15mo baby is having a hard time sleeping right now and as a mom with a professional full time job, that is wearing thin on me. If your suggestion was to hire a night nurse or quit my job, I would think that you were pretty out of touch. Not saying that's what you'd say, but I would be worried about it.

I probably wouldn’t want to be friends. We have a few friends who have serious wealth (hundreds of millions) and they live in very nice but not crazy houses. A 15,000 sq ft house means that we have very different values and likely won’t see eye to eye on much.

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude of these “friends” to poke fun at your lifestyle. It would be one thing if you were bragging but clearly you’re not.

I would look into private schools where you will find wealth. There will be others with large homes and many without but I don’t think you’ll be called out on it.

It’s a frustrating problem to have- though I’m sure many of us would trade places in a second!

Yes, it must be super frustrating to be super rich and to have the luxury of owning a massive house, having paid help, and being able to stay at home with your children and not work.

The amount of your personal wealth wouldn't be a big deal to me, I was raised in a lower middle class home with a friends circle that ranged from poor to very wealthy. I have friends who are very fun and down to earth, and just happen to also have great wealth. However, I have run into situations with some wealthy people where they were really hung up on the disparity in our situations or oblivious. For example: a friendly acquaintance who lived in a mansion and would complain to me that she didn't have grocery money-which didn't make sense because her jewelry alone would have bought a lot of groceries, and she posted a go fund me to pay for an expensive hobby for her child. I think she was uncomfortable feeling like the privileged one, and wanted to bond with me over being poor, but it was just odd. And, then there are people who are nice enough but can't wrap their heads around what it's like to take the bus or are visibly uncomfortable going to the types of places I like and can afford. Having friendships across big class divides requires a lot of self awareness and willingness to let go of your baggage (whether it's there because you have or don't have).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude of these “friends” to poke fun at your lifestyle. It would be one thing if you were bragging but clearly you’re not.[b]

I would look into private schools where you will find wealth. There will be others with large homes and many without but I don’t think you’ll be called out on it.

It’s a frustrating problem to have- though I’m sure many of us would trade places in a second!

I think owning a 15,000 sf home is basically like bragging about your wealth, though. There's nothing subtle about it.

+1

Same. Sorry, but if I saw that house + housekeeper, I would know we could not possibly be friends since we don't share the same general values.

+1 I'd think this if it was someone I was just getting to know. If I'd known you a while and already felt confident that you were a good friend, shared values, etc. then I'd be surprised by the house but it wouldn't be friendship-ending. I would wonder why the heck you have such a big house.

Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it does make average people feel uncomfortable to be around the super-rich. Your only choice, truly, is to be-friend other ultra-rich folks or move into a normal-sized house around regular folks.

I am "super-rich" as you put it. I just choose not to live in a mansion because I think it's a totally unnecessary drain on the environment. So I would not be uncomfortable in someone's large house. Generally I do not enjoy "new money" people though I'd never say it out loud. But I'm always open to people surprising me.

OP, some people have hang-ups about money. Don't give a tour of your house.

Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. If I like you, and we connect as friends, then I want to hang out with you regardless of what kind of house you have.

+1
Wouldn’t matter to me. I have a smallish house and frirnds who live in mansions as well as friends who live in small apartments.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm so on the other end of this spectrum. I have a 1500 sq ft house that's not affluent or in an affluent area. I have a mom friend (meet her through DH) who lives in a real deal Mansion. Waterfront with a big boat, resort pool and guest house. The real estate is impressive at any level.

I never once thought that I couldn't/wouldn't be friends with her because of where she lives. She has a beautiful life but what's that got to do with me? If anything I love getting invites to her Super Bowl parties because they're frickin awesome and everyone has the best time. I wouldn't let me kids play over there only because I don't want them to impede on my girl time, but if she had young ones for a playdate that would be great too.

The question is do you reciprocate and have her to your 1500 sf house an equal amount.

I'd go to your friend's superbowl parties too!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude of these “friends” to poke fun at your lifestyle. It would be one thing if you were bragging but clearly you’re not.[b]

I would look into private schools where you will find wealth. There will be others with large homes and many without but I don’t think you’ll be called out on it.

It’s a frustrating problem to have- though I’m sure many of us would trade places in a second!

I think owning a 15,000 sf home is basically like bragging about your wealth, though. There's nothing subtle about it.

+1

+2

I would never live in a 15,000 sf home. And I could afford to. It's a choice and people are making assumptions about you based on the choice, OP. For better or worse.

15000 square feet. Why do you need that much space? Do yo have 10 kids? Just wondering since it seems you are self conscious about it and hoping to socialize with people who are less affluent than you are. If you are a diplomat or something and have a house you have to live in, that makes sense. But if you knowingly chose a massive house that reflects different values from the person you want to be, than I guess you have a disconnect with the image you are projecting to the world and who you truly are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude of these “friends” to poke fun at your lifestyle. It would be one thing if you were bragging but clearly you’re not.[b]

I would look into private schools where you will find wealth. There will be others with large homes and many without but I don’t think you’ll be called out on it.

It’s a frustrating problem to have- though I’m sure many of us would trade places in a second!

I think owning a 15,000 sf home is basically like bragging about your wealth, though. There's nothing subtle about it.

+1

Same. Sorry, but if I saw that house + housekeeper, I would know we could not possibly be friends since we don't share the same general values.

Meet at a park or at a pool or something if you really like the people. A true friend wouldn't make derogatory remarks (though these don't sound particularly nasty). I have the opposite problem, I'm a single mom and live in a quasi-dump and too embarrassed to reciprocate once I've seen a gorgeous home. Mine could be nice, but I don't have money or time to make it happen.

This makes me think of something in my own life that answers your question.

Long time friend of my husband comes to my home with her family. I think nothing of it. We host. I have met this woman many times but had never been to her home. She is great. We then are invited to her home (she has two kids and a DH). OMG!!!!!!! She is rich and her house was amazing and perfectly decorated and she had hired help to cater and serve for a very casual party. I was sincerely mortified that I had her to my house and never invited her over again. It was eye opening. We are in different leagues and no I'm not serving you my baked French toast from my semi-old dishware ever again.

So no, I wouldn't reciprocate.

This would not bother me at all. If I like you, and we connect as friends, then I want to hang out with you regardless of what kind of house you have.