For the spa day, I would book it myself for the following weekend. For the concert, I would let him deal with the mad dash to get tickets last minute and I would let my disappointment show big time if he dropped the ball and let me down.

But more broadly, I would probably tell him I want to stop exchanging gifts unless he can commit to have gifts fully purchased when he presents them because otherwise the anxiety and disappointment really overshadow the whole thing for you.

It's not ADHD. I love thinking up gifts but I rarely follow up. I don't care about gifts I get either though, only about the idea of them. DH is used to my hypothetical gifts.

This is stupid. The gift is that you get a spa day. Why does it matter who books the appointment/whips out the credit card? Isn't it all the same in the end? Do you really want him booking your appointments and/or going through the hassle of paying in advance? How do you even handle tips in that scenario?

OP-I believe you really don’t care about the gifts but do care that your DH thinks intentions are enough. It sounds like he thinks that his heart is in the right place but especially the fact that he turns around his indifference (really-if he was really looking to please you the examples you give would be easy enough to do but he actually doesn’t take the next step of actual follow through as he’s telling you he wants to be credited with benevolence but doesn’t give a damn if you’re actually happy or getting an actual thing/time/enjoyment.

He is a jerk. Whether it’s from Atten Def or whatever the fact that he so easily paints you as ungrateful and a bitch-no excuse for that.

I don't understand why you don't just buy whatever it is all the time and move on.

Honestly? When he suggests he's going to get you something say "No thanks" and move on with your lives. This issue won't get better

Hi @OP I do empathize with you and I can understand how frustrating it must be for you. Is there any way you can have a serious discussion with him as to how his inability to follow through on is gift giving is affecting you. It might be he doesn't think it's such a big deal. However letting him understand how it makes you really feel, might trigger his emotions and cause him to be more aware of how his actions or non action affect you. You do sound like quite a patient wife and I think you deserve a star in my opinion .

Passive aggression? Does it ring a bell? Not saying it is, but only you can say whether this might be what’s going on.

How long have you been married? My DH and I haven't done gifts for years. If it's really bother you, do the same to him for Christmas and his birthday.