Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the family ask the school directly? More importantly, why doesn’t the school address it directly rather than have the family go through this agony of not knowing?

The family cannot ask the school directly because:

1) the school has not made a definitive decision yet
2) the school does not want to invite conflict which can lead to disruptive behavior from the child and/or parent - leading to reputational damage
3) the school must have all their ducks in a row before making the decision because the parents could be litigious - leading to reputational damage

If you are only talking to the teacher, they won't know. Their job is to do their best and document. Any issues move up to the division head. Final decisions usually are made after a meeting or two with the head of school.

Mid semester but you’ll have a strong feeling by Tgiving

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the family ask the school directly? More importantly, why doesn’t the school address it directly rather than have the family go through this agony of not knowing?

This.

There is no universal approach. If you have a fear that your school thinks it is not the right fit for your child, ask them directly. Do your best to hear their reasoning and to presume good intentions. As "helper" types, teachers may see this at least partially as their fault — they are aware that they do not have the training or skills to address every student's learning needs and that makes them feel helpless, just as parents may. And no school administrator looks forward to these decisions or the meetings around them.

I think we get hung up because the language is difficult and sometimes painful, but this process should NOT be secretive. I'm afraid I've been through this more than once, and I learned how to do it by doing it badly at first (ugh). Here are some specific questions that may be helpful for parents to consider. These questions should be put to administrators, not teachers, because: 1) teachers are often very reluctant to deliver bad news (in a global sense — e.g., Sally is having trouble processing information), 2) teachers can only speak about their specific classes, and 3) teachers will not be making these decisions.

Are you concerned that this year may be (is) more challenging for Sally than for other fifth graders?

Is there a chance you will decide against offering an enrollment contract for next year?

If the answer is yes, by what date will you let us know about your decision? (It is important for us to know with sufficient time to find another school.) How will you keep us apprised of your decision-making?

If the answer is yes, how do you plan to support her to the best of your ability through this year? What help do you need from us?

(If Sally is old enough to feel like this is a "punishment" — about grade 2 or higher...) How will you help us with Sally's reaction to this situation? How do you suggest we support her at home?

Will you give us help finding Sally's next school? How, specifically? (I know of at least one school that absorbs the fee for an independent counselor.)

Honestly, these situations suck for everybody. Do your best to be honest and transparent, and if you feel like the school isn't doing so with you, say so as politely as you can. ("It doesn't feel like we're getting the whole picture from you.") And for God's sake, do not threaten to sue. Unless your situation is truly extraordinary, you can't win, and the acrimony cannot possibly help your child.

Ultimately, you don't want your kid at a school that can't serve her effectively. But getting to that point is no fun at all.

Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's too easy to write uninformed, personal, or mean-spirited posts if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools. I have read hundreds of admission files, and I have counseled hundreds of students in finding their next schools in the DC area. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students and parents ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> peterbraverman <dotcom>

Anonymous wrote:Sounds despicable. Parents with kids at private schools really ought to ask themselves whether they are comfortable with this “Lord of the Flies” dynamic that produces Brett Kavanaughs, George Huguely, and legions of mean girls.

A kid needing to find a better fit school is not lord of the flies and is not what leads to the self entitlement of Kavanaugh, et al.

Signed,
Parent whose kid was counseled out and found a school where kid could thrive