My husband and I just went through this. When he suggested marriage counseling, I eagerly said yes because I thought he was serious about wanting to improve our marriage. We went to counseling for months and he never confessed that he had a special secret “friend,” with whom he was in love. I only found out because I overheard him sounding lovey dovey on a phone call. The marriage counseling had made me hopeful and reawakened romantic feelings in me. Finding out that I had been lied to all along caused all kinds of damage that my husband cannot repair. We’re currently negotiating terms for separation. My advice to you is either end your friendship or come clean to your wife and deal with the consequences if you decide to continue the friendship. Do not attempt a hybrid approach where you act like you’re working on your marriage, but continue to deepen your emotional connection to another woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

Stay with your wife and children, no one is worth your family. Certainly not an outsider. Going by this post alone, you are clearly the problem, and need to stop all contact with this other woman.

easier said then done. she's a friend and seeing and talking to her was the main reason i stayed sane and level-headed when at a time DW and I were absolutely hating each other for months. i don't want to lose a friend unless it's absolutely necessary.

Emotional crutch...lose it or divorce

Cutting off contact with OW will just make him want her more. Go out with her in a group and see how skeevy you really feel (or not). Is it just fantasy? Maybe you’ll feel differently once you allow yourself to get a little closer to the line.

OP- you said you have kids, how would you feel explaining this to them? Do you have daughters? How would you feel if they got treated that way? If you have sons, would you advise them to do the same? Is OW worth losing the respect of your kids or possibly causing them future issues (bc you will, immediately or later in life)

You should have a candid convo with DW about your feelings, especially since she seems unhappy too. If you both fell out of love but don’t want to get a divorce, at least you know you’re on the same page and can move forward accordingly.

Since you said you don’t want to break up your family (as opposed to not wanting DW to get your money) I have a feeling your loyalty to your family will triumph over this little crush you have. .

Hey! I like how you considered going to counseling. Marriage is tough at times, but is also a beautiful thing. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your marriage. I hope the both of you work things out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

Stay with your wife and children, no one is worth your family. Certainly not an outsider. Going by this post alone, you are clearly the problem, and need to stop all contact with this other woman.

easier said then done. she's a friend and seeing and talking to her was the main reason i stayed sane and level-headed when at a time DW and I were absolutely hating each other for months. i don't want to lose a friend unless it's absolutely necessary.

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

Stay with your wife and children, no one is worth your family. Certainly not an outsider. Going by this post alone, you are clearly the problem, and need to stop all contact with this other woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

This is funny. You think that you are no longer in love with your DW but claim you aren't in an emotional affair, even though you are falling in love with another woman??

I'll give you the Stephen Covey advice. A man came up to him at a conference and said, "I no longer love my wife. What should I do?" Covey response, "love your wife." Love is an action, not just a feeling. So engage in loving actions toward your wife. Amazingly, it often helps bring the loving feelings back. Or as my therapist told someone in our group: fake it til you make it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I don't want to break up my family (divorce) either. DW hasn't been happy but I doubt it's bad enough for her to leave. She's faithful as far as I know, so am I except there's a woman I'm having a strong feeling for right now. How would a marriage counselor help me if I went by myself and without letting DW know about it?

You need to make active steps to re-establish intimacy with your wife. Start by weekly dates. Add in a daily activity you do together without other members of the family. If you divide a conquer things at home, undo some of that and do some of the tasks together. Figure out a way to get way at least overnight, just the two of you.

thank you PPs for the good advice. i now have a good idea where to start and be successful (without even going to a therapist!), just need the mental strength to change course and take necessary actions. but i know i'm not ready yet because 1) the feeling i have for that other woman, and 2) deep down i'm still hurt from what DW did to me before (not affairs) and i guess i never really forgive her. both will take some time to be resolved.

You sound very weak and indecisive.

yes, that's me in a nutshell. probably why i'm still married and never had an affair.

FYI, most married people do not have affairs. You're drawing odd conclusions from nothing.

am missing somethign with your passive aggressive communication style.

Are you alluding suddenly to "something your DW did that hurt your feelings but not an affair." WTF is that supposed to mean?

Maybe you should see a counselor so you learn to communicate directly and succinctly. Not in unclever riddles.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

This is funny. You think that you are no longer in love with your DW but claim you aren't in an emotional affair, even though you are falling in love with another woman??

I'll give you the Stephen Covey advice. A man came up to him at a conference and said, "I no longer love my wife. What should I do?" Covey response, "love your wife." Love is an action, not just a feeling. So engage in loving actions toward your wife. Amazingly, it often helps bring the loving feelings back. Or as my therapist told someone in our group: fake it til you make it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I don't want to break up my family (divorce) either. DW hasn't been happy but I doubt it's bad enough for her to leave. She's faithful as far as I know, so am I except there's a woman I'm having a strong feeling for right now. How would a marriage counselor help me if I went by myself and without letting DW know about it?

You need to make active steps to re-establish intimacy with your wife. Start by weekly dates. Add in a daily activity you do together without other members of the family. If you divide a conquer things at home, undo some of that and do some of the tasks together. Figure out a way to get way at least overnight, just the two of you.

thank you PPs for the good advice. i now have a good idea where to start and be successful (without even going to a therapist!), just need the mental strength to change course and take necessary actions. but i know i'm not ready yet because 1) the feeling i have for that other woman, and 2) deep down i'm still hurt from what DW did to me before (not affairs) and i guess i never really forgive her. both will take some time to be resolved.

You sound very weak and indecisive.

yes, that's me in a nutshell. probably why i'm still married and never had an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

This is funny. You think that you are no longer in love with your DW but claim you aren't in an emotional affair, even though you are falling in love with another woman??

I'll give you the Stephen Covey advice. A man came up to him at a conference and said, "I no longer love my wife. What should I do?" Covey response, "love your wife." Love is an action, not just a feeling. So engage in loving actions toward your wife. Amazingly, it often helps bring the loving feelings back. Or as my therapist told someone in our group: fake it til you make it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I don't want to break up my family (divorce) either. DW hasn't been happy but I doubt it's bad enough for her to leave. She's faithful as far as I know, so am I except there's a woman I'm having a strong feeling for right now. How would a marriage counselor help me if I went by myself and without letting DW know about it?

You need to make active steps to re-establish intimacy with your wife. Start by weekly dates. Add in a daily activity you do together without other members of the family. If you divide a conquer things at home, undo some of that and do some of the tasks together. Figure out a way to get way at least overnight, just the two of you.

thank you PPs for the good advice. i now have a good idea where to start and be successful (without even going to a therapist!), just need the mental strength to change course and take necessary actions. but i know i'm not ready yet because 1) the feeling i have for that other woman, and 2) deep down i'm still hurt from what DW did to me before (not affairs) and i guess i never really forgive her. both will take some time to be resolved.

You sound very weak and indecisive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

This is funny. You think that you are no longer in love with your DW but claim you aren't in an emotional affair, even though you are falling in love with another woman??

I'll give you the Stephen Covey advice. A man came up to him at a conference and said, "I no longer love my wife. What should I do?" Covey response, "love your wife." Love is an action, not just a feeling. So engage in loving actions toward your wife. Amazingly, it often helps bring the loving feelings back. Or as my therapist told someone in our group: fake it til you make it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I don't want to break up my family (divorce) either. DW hasn't been happy but I doubt it's bad enough for her to leave. She's faithful as far as I know, so am I except there's a woman I'm having a strong feeling for right now. How would a marriage counselor help me if I went by myself and without letting DW know about it?

You need to make active steps to re-establish intimacy with your wife. Start by weekly dates. Add in a daily activity you do together without other members of the family. If you divide a conquer things at home, undo some of that and do some of the tasks together. Figure out a way to get way at least overnight, just the two of you.

thank you PPs for the good advice. i now have a good idea where to start and be successful (without even going to a therapist!), just need the mental strength to change course and take necessary actions. but i know i'm not ready yet because 1) the feeling i have for that other woman, and 2) deep down i'm still hurt from what DW did to me before (not affairs) and i guess i never really forgive her. both will take some time to be resolved.

Anonymous wrote:Of course this other woman is going to be attractive. How many diaper changes and bills do you have to deal with, with and for her?

Yes, yes yes, life would be so so so simple with this other woman. no kids, no demands, no family schedules, no house to take care of or yard, no family trips to plan on breaks or holidays.

Life would be so simple if you just did not have kids or a house or a wife.

Sounds like you have @$$backwards expectations of what it means to be a husband, father or home-owner. Sorry to say, but this was probably instilled by the roles your father and mother took on. See a counselor about that, start there, family of origin.

stop with the excuses and semantics. so lame and immature.

if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it's a damn duck. court system agrees too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

This is funny. You think that you are no longer in love with your DW but claim you aren't in an emotional affair, even though you are falling in love with another woman??

I'll give you the Stephen Covey advice. A man came up to him at a conference and said, "I no longer love my wife. What should I do?" Covey response, "love your wife." Love is an action, not just a feeling. So engage in loving actions toward your wife. Amazingly, it often helps bring the loving feelings back. Or as my therapist told someone in our group: fake it til you make it.

So nowadays having feelings = emotional affairs? Got it!

Anonymous wrote:And I don't want to break up my family (divorce) either. DW hasn't been happy but I doubt it's bad enough for her to leave. She's faithful as far as I know, so am I except there's a woman I'm having a strong feeling for right now. How would a marriage counselor help me if I went by myself and without letting DW know about it?

You need to make active steps to re-establish intimacy with your wife. Start by weekly dates. Add in a daily activity you do together without other members of the family. If you divide a conquer things at home, undo some of that and do some of the tasks together. Figure out a way to get way at least overnight, just the two of you.