The nephew is grown and your kids are your. Perhaps your memories, as a non-parent, of your nephew’s childhood discipline and behavior are cloudy.
Also, how I deal with my kids at family events when they are bored, off schedule, eating strange foods and getting berated by adults with questions is very different than how I deal at home. At family events, I am trying to minimize meltdowns and reassure my kids in a strange place. That probably looks like spoiling to non-parents. Parents close enough to the toddler / preschool years would recognize it for what it is - struggling to contain chaos and avoid power struggles when taking the kid and leaving isn’t an option.

My friend has a permissive parenting style and her son never heard no. I still think he grew up selfish and self centered, but academically very successful so far. He's in middle school now.

Anonymous wrote:I know many of our friends feel this way about how we handle our son. It can easily look like pandering, or spoiling.

What's really going on is the result of a TON of work learning how to parent this child differently. My dream result is the adult you describe OP. My current reality is a very challenging little boy and the endless judgment of others.

A great thing about your parenting: you keep your own counsel and let people think you are "pandering and spoiling". Seriously. This is a wonderful thing you are doing that shows great respect for the kid you love.

Anonymous wrote:The kids were complete brats. SIL didn't think they should ever have to cry. Plus SIL/BIL are very nice people (aka complete pushovers) and the kids were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted, with no consequences. I remember the boy in particular would start to cry or whine about something and they would immediately stop everything to cater to him. I haven't seen them in a few years, but recently saw the boy, who is now grown. He graduated from HYP-type school and is now in professional grad school. He is the nicest young man you'll ever meet. He spent hours patiently playing with my three much younger kids, is polite, helpful, and clearly very kind. It was the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I might start letting my kids do whatever they want, too.

Are you sure you didn't misinterpret all those "push over" situations as your SIL and BIL really just choosing their battles or not wanting to create a scene in public/in front of Auntie OP? C'mon OP??

And I'm guessing this was at a time when you were childless, yet you considered yourself the perfect parent nonetheless, correct?

Anonymous wrote:Isn't "the boy" your nephew? Why would you call him "the boy"? That's what stuck out to me, OP's lack of compassion. Maybe BIL/SIL did spoil their kids, but your calling him "the boy" makes me think you might be on the cold side of familial relationships, so maybe you're not the best judge.

Because there was more than one, and presumably one of them was a boy, so "the boy" as opposed to "the girl." You're reading a lot into this word choice.

Isn't "the boy" your nephew? Why would you call him "the boy"? That's what stuck out to me, OP's lack of compassion. Maybe BIL/SIL did spoil their kids, but your calling him "the boy" makes me think you might be on the cold side of familial relationships, so maybe you're not the best judge.

Anonymous wrote:Also the opposite happens: good parents who enforce boundaries and are reasonable and kind can produce monsters.

This.

Anonymous wrote:The kids were complete brats. SIL didn't think they should ever have to cry. Plus SIL/BIL are very nice people (aka complete pushovers) and the kids were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted, with no consequences. I remember the boy in particular would start to cry or whine about something and they would immediately stop everything to cater to him. I haven't seen them in a few years, but recently saw the boy, who is now grown. He graduated from HYP-type school and is now in professional grad school. He is the nicest young man you'll ever meet. He spent hours patiently playing with my three much younger kids, is polite, helpful, and clearly very kind. It was the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I might start letting my kids do whatever they want, too.

not really sure how the above relays 20 years of child-raising. a lot more factors go into that (school type, religion, teamwork sports/projects, friends, brains, manners, and inherent personality) that the kid were possibly spoiled when young.

is he a prep school kid? (ie. K-12 prep school)

This was exactly like two of my younger cousins! They were so tedious to visit because every outing needing to have nutritious snacks and changes of clothes for every contingency, so it was like we were packing a caravan to go anywhere with two small children. And then we'd get to the restaurant and they'd be so full from all of the nutritious snacks that they wouldn't be hungry for the meal and would instead roam around the table at the restaurant instead of sitting in their seats. And they grew up more affluent than some other cousins and I overheard some snotty bragging from one of them during reunions. I thought they were both coddled and spoiled.

But then they grew up and they are some of the most thoughtful and cool young adults that I know! Both are totally independent, are considerate guests, and loving children who both still make sure that they have time with their parents as a whole family. I genuinely enjoy hanging around with them.

My dad, brother of these cousins' dad, was a lot stricter as a father and it's interesting and a bit sad to me to notice as an adult the harder edges in myself and how as a parent of a young child I'm constantly fighting to react as the kind of parent I want to be rather than the controlling impulses that I was astonished to find popped up in me. It's gratifying to know that you can give kids a bit of breathing room and indulgence and that they can still turn out ok.