Nobody pays for anything for her. Phone, car, insurance, all of that is on her. So she’ll need a job.

Anonymous wrote:Could something have happened that she is keeping secret? Like could she have been raped or something? A work colleague recently shared that her sophomore year of college she was raped and stopped going to classes and came home. Kept it a secret for months and her parents rode her hard about being a failure, etc. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her.

I was wondering this too. This or drug use - these were the two reasons kids flunked out of my university. These and one or two incidents of devastating car crashes which left them physically or mentally disabled. Doesn't sound like she's had one of those.

OP, you just described my sibling who was ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia. I find it odd that you do not see this as a sign of mental health distress. Hopefully it isn't mental illness, but there is enough behavior to call for counseling.

Anybody who can't find a job in this economy just isn't trying. The "why" may be depression, but once you address that, her parents need to light a fire under her ass. I say this as a college drop out who didn't get his act together until my mid 20's.

If she is smart enough to get into college, but not mature enough to succeed, she'd be a good candidate for military service. It is structured, there is discipline, interesting schools and job specialties. There is travel, adventure, and an opportunity to mature.

Think carefully about the mission of each branch of the services and what type of job she would enjoy the most.

Prepare and do as well as you possibly can on the ASVAB Exam. If you do well on the ASVAB you can be guaranteed in a contract of going to a specific job training school after basic training. There is one ASVAB test for all of the services, but the different branches accept different scores for different schools. I scored well on the ASVAB, but the Air Force would not guarantee me anything in computers or electronics. They wanted me to accept a "general enlistment". I almost signed, but waited and called the navy. The navy said those are great scores and we can offer you anything you want except nuclear power.

It wasn't easy but I learned a lot, had adventures, matured, developed self-confidence and then they paid for me to go to college.

Different people say different things about the life experiences in the different branches. The marines are the toughest, most militant, and most poorly funded. They really will turn you into a marine/soldier before any job specialty. The air force treats their enlisted personnel more respectfully, more like civilians than the other branches but you'll be working in fairly remote locations so there's less adventure in the air force. The air force is more like a civilian job. The army and navy are similar in relation to funding, job specialties/school opportunities.. military bearing/structure are about the same. Adventures are about the same. People stationed on ships will visit many interesting ports-of-call. Not so much if you have shore duty. Coast guard is similar to the navy, but there is less time spent at sea. The coast guard is mostly but not exclusively domestic. That said it seems exciting and there are plenty of cool places to be stationed in the US.

Good luck

I think you should get her to see a psychologist/counselor (with agreement from her parents) and also call her school to see what her options are.

Could something have happened that she is keeping secret? Like could she have been raped or something? A work colleague recently shared that her sophomore year of college she was raped and stopped going to classes and came home. Kept it a secret for months and her parents rode her hard about being a failure, etc. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her.

There is so much I can say because my family experienced this. My brother dropped out in the 1980's and my niece dropped out 4 years ago.

My brother was given very strict expectations - you will get a job and/or take classes at a local CC, you will pay rent if you are working. You will not sit around doing nothing. He is now 50+, never went to college (and deeply regrets it) but he is married with kids, has a job and has had a productive life.

My niece was given no expectations. Four years later, she is still sitting in her house watching TV, never has worked, never has taken a class and her parents have never required her to get mental health help. She has zero friends.

I totally disagree with anyone who believes that you treat depression with kid gloves. I feel you should treat it like a warrior and the parent has to push like hell and not relent, even when the kid fights you every inch. Insist on mental health eval, insist on meds, insist on productivity and impose consequences if they aren't met.

I think expecting her to either work or be in school full-time (or a combination) is fine. If she is suffering from depression it is not magically going to get better by just going to therapy and medication. She also needs to have a goal to work toward. Paying rent and contributing toward household expenses can be that goal. If she wants to move out, I would let her. Getting a job, a change of scenery, a change of routine, would likely help her. You don't have to be mean and threaten to kick her out. Just explain that she is an adult, with adult responsibilities. You expect her to be job hunting daily.

If you are the step parent, you really don't have much control in this situation. If she is living in your house, you and your DH must come to an agreement on your expectations (therapist, job, time frame). Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Step daughter dropped out (well, flunked out) of first year college. Always got good grades in High School and loved math/robotics/coding. Didn't want to go to college but her mom and dad pushed her into it. Went out of state and didn't go to class/flunked every class.
Decided not to go back this year. Now living in spare bedroom, no job and does nothing around the house. Does not appear depressed, just isolates from everyone.
What is 'giving space/time' and enabling?

I was in the same exact situation ten years ago. I graduated near the top of my class and was excellent in math, java/python and robotics. Problem is that I went to one of the worst schools in FCPS where I thought I was good but I was NOT.

When I attended UVA, it was a complete shock because there were so many students from schools in Northern VA like TJ, Langley, Mclean, James Madison, Marshalls, Yorktown that were much much better than I was. I felt depressed and failed all of my classes. Got on probation and got kicked out of UVa. I took a year off and visited mental health professionals. It made me realize that the only thing I could control is working hard. I can't control if there are so many smart people at UVa. Once I came to that conclusion, I was ok with it. I went to NVCC and transferred to GMU and graduated there with a degree in Computer Sciences. I am happy to report that I am now doing very well in Cyber Security with high salary. The work I am doing today does not even require a college degree.

Since you mentioned that your child loves math/robotics/coding, she can get a job in the IT industry very easily. She can study for industry certifications like Oracle DBA, Amazon Web Services certification, Linux or CISSP for that matter. Not completing college is not the end of the world.

Best of luck.

OP here.
It is unclear to us when she exactly stopped attending class (she went out of state about 3 hours a away) and when we visited her room was always tidy, she was clean and showered etc and nothing ever gave reason to give pause. She didn't like talking a lot about school when she visited but would say she isn't interested in it. Her parents felt she was just having trouble with the gen ed classes and would settle in more once she got into her major.
From what I can tell she did start hanging around kids who were not the best influence, but it doesn't seem she met them until late Spring semester.
Here at home she is not just hanging out with old friends (who have now gone back to school) but some kids who have been known to do drugs (nothing hardcore, but weed, drink). I don't know if she is or has done it.

Her parents differ on how to handle. One thinks she is being a lazy slob with zero empathy. The other is afraid that if they are too tough (get a job, help more) she will up and leave like she has threatened to do. At least here there is some stability with us and her siblings and if she up and moved the fear is we have no idea what she would be into and it may push her further down a spiral.

I have suggested talking to someone and she was not open to that. I have tried to get both her parents to understand that is truly what she needs but reality is they can't force her either. Just at a loss as to wth to even do to help. She says she just hates school and to leave her alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression or adhd or both.

That’s what caused me to stop going to class and drop out.

I was a great student in HS, but college is where I can see, looking back, that my inattentive add got out of control. It was too much and I couldn’t manage and though I didn’t fail out, my grades suffered as did my self esteem because I couldn’t pull it together and I wondered what the hell was wrong with me.
Require her to get a psychological and health screening OP, and good luck.