Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 12:31     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:How's he even still allowed in school after the blackmail situation?

That happened at our school and the male party was removed from school and sent to an alternative school last year.

Girl was his gf and sent him nudes.
Boy & girl broke up.
Boy threatened to leak the nudes if she didn't go out with him.
Girl told her parents who went to the police, who notified the SRO, who notified the school and he was removed.
I think the girl also had to attend some kind of class on social media since what she did was also wrong (sending nudes as a minor) but she had no school related repercussions.


BRAVO to that girl for telling her parents (despite what must have been her fear of their anger)

...to the parents for going to the cops

... to the cops for taking the issue seriously and approaching the school

... and to the school for removing that boy on that first instance and not just giving him a warning.

The social media class is also an excellent idea, so the girl had a wake-up call.

Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 12:26     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you know every time your DD sends nudes to someone?

She doesn’t need to say anything. she can choose just not to engage him in anything more than she to need to get through her work productively.

I can say with certainty that she isn’t sending pics to boys. She’s a lesbian.

She doesn’t like the discomfort of him acting like their friendship is fine. She needs to find a way to tell him to go away at lunch time too.


Re: lunch: Can she eat somewhere else where he won't be? Does her HS allow students to be places other than the cafeteria during their lunch periods? Our HS does; kids can eat in a couple of other places (there are courtyards, and some teachers let kids lunch in their classrooms, the band room, etc.). My DD often eats in a courtyard or the counseling center, which has an area with tables etc. and welcomes kids at lunch, then she spends the rest of lunch in the library (no food) sometimes. There's nothing wrong with your DD avoiding him by mixing up her lunch location if that's possible. In an ideal world she would confront him and call him out on his behavior, but frankly he is clearly vindictive, and he could do who knows what if confronted.

If he starts asking where she'll be at lunch, she can say she has to get to the library or she's meeting with a teacher etc.

If she cannot avoid the cafeteria, I'd talk to her about enlisting friends to commit to sitting in a group and getting there before he does, so she's surrounded by friends and already engaged.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:30     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
How's he even still allowed in school after the blackmail situation?

That happened at our school and the male party was removed from school and sent to an alternative school last year.

Girl was his gf and sent him nudes.
Boy & girl broke up.
Boy threatened to leak the nudes if she didn't go out with him.
Girl told her parents who went to the police, who notified the SRO, who notified the school and he was removed.
I think the girl also had to attend some kind of class on social media since what she did was also wrong (sending nudes as a minor) but she had no school related repercussions.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:29     Subject: Re:DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Your daughter doesn't need to make any grand proclamations and as others have said, just do the slow fade. Also, I would suggest your dd rethink her relationship with the girls involved as well. Not sure I would want my dd hanging out with girls with such poor judgment as to send nude pictures of themselves to boys. They know better.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:23     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.


First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.


You are way, way off the mark here. This girl has the absolute right to not be around someone who is volatile, vindictive, or nasty. And it sounds like this kid is all of those things. Your attempt to paint this as "drama" is pretty telling. Your issue is with holding someone accountable for their actions, rather than the actions themselves.

OP, I'd urge not to take a big, showy stand. I'd just subtly disengage. If he asks what the problem is, should could tell him why or, if she is afraid, just say something else plausible (claim being busy, plans with others, etc.)


What the f?? Do you even know how to read? OP said he obviously has anger management problems based on what? OP is not at school with the kid and does not know anything about the kid. You and the OP can not hold the boy accountable for his actions because you and the OP have no idea what is actually happening. This is drama that does not involve the OP’s dd and OP does not need to encourage her DD to punish anyone.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:20     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:
You sound like Lori Drew. Again you know nothing of what is going on. It does not even involve you daughter yet you want to punish the boy. What happens when it’s your dd and another adult decides to punish her socially?


You sound a little nuts. I haven’t proposed that I contact the boy. My child asked for advice, and I’m trying to give it.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:09     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.


First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.


If he commits suicide, I’ll tell her she didn’t owe him friendship. It isn’t her job to insulate him from his own bad choices. If my own child did something like that, I expect she would lose many friends over it.

She avoids drama. This is real risk, not drama.


You sound like Lori Drew. Again you know nothing of what is going on. It does not even involve you daughter yet you want to punish the boy. What happens when it’s your dd and another adult decides to punish her socially?
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:08     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.


How, exactly, did he blackmail these girls with nude pictures? What did he ask for/want?

Your daughter doesn't owe him friendship, of course. She doesn't owe him anything except basic civility she would extend to anyone else, unless, of course, he targets her for some sort of abuse.

Not much she can do about the classroom seating -- but for lunch perhaps she can go somewhere else.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:06     Subject: Re:DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:In addition to some of the advice above about disengaging from interactions with this student, I strongly encourage your DD to talk to the school counselor about this situation. His behavior potentially sounds like a real warning flag.


Agree. DD should do her best to disengage from him as non-confrontationally as possible and give someone in the school administration a heads up about his behavior.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:06     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Guys, stop telling OP that she's micromanaging her dd's social interactions. She was asked, and this is serious.

https://thinkprogress.org/boy-stabs-girl-school-assembly-she-said-no-relationship-420be3070353/
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:03     Subject: Re:DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
In addition to some of the advice above about disengaging from interactions with this student, I strongly encourage your DD to talk to the school counselor about this situation. His behavior potentially sounds like a real warning flag.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:02     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.


First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.


If he commits suicide, I’ll tell her she didn’t owe him friendship. It isn’t her job to insulate him from his own bad choices. If my own child did something like that, I expect she would lose many friends over it.

She avoids drama. This is real risk, not drama.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 10:01     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.


First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.


You are way, way off the mark here. This girl has the absolute right to not be around someone who is volatile, vindictive, or nasty. And it sounds like this kid is all of those things. Your attempt to paint this as "drama" is pretty telling. Your issue is with holding someone accountable for their actions, rather than the actions themselves.

OP, I'd urge not to take a big, showy stand. I'd just subtly disengage. If he asks what the problem is, should could tell him why or, if she is afraid, just say something else plausible (claim being busy, plans with others, etc.)
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 09:58     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:You can't micromanage her every social interaction at age 16. She can be cordial to people she doesn't like.


This is a potential safety issue, not a social interaction.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 09:55     Subject: DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over
Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.


First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.