Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 07:21     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.



I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.


Sorry to hear all this.

Who did they vote for in 2016?


MIL for Hillary/FIL for Trump.


Fascinating.



Why fascinating?? you don't think anyone on the left is capable of being racist? Get real.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 06:00     Subject: Racist family members
Anonymous wrote: So many young adults are judgmental about this but would be horrified if expected to practice what they preach.



It is not about being judgmental. Many Children would eventually pick up on some of these attitudes and use them on their classmates.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2018 05:51     Subject: Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?


This isn't your business. This is between MIL and SIL. Stay out of it.

If your DH doesn't want to get involved, why should you? They're his relatives, not yours.


Please be aware that children pick up on racist language and attitudes. There are African American children in elementary school struggling with and negatively affected by racist language/attitudes from their peers, and many of these peers got these attitudes from relatives. You may think no one is getting hurt and that your child never hears it, but you are probably wrong.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2018 13:03     Subject: Racist family members
OP-I am in a interracial marriage and experienced many of these issues you described. I overlooked many of them for years and gave my husband a pass for not really saying much about the racism in his family, until we had kids. Before I could stay busy or not really interact much w my ILS, but once kids came it was harder. The racism you and your family are experiencing is less about you and your husband, but now about your children and protecting them from hateful behavior and comments. Remind your husband he is a father of interracial children and is responsible for protecting them and speaking up on their behalf if and when the issue arises. You are not alone in this and your husband needs to do his equal share. Don’t let him think that because you are the one who is an ethnic minority or have darker skin that it is your job to speak up.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2018 11:31     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not really. There is tons of variety on the left, just as there s on the right. You can vote for Dems and still uphold racism. There are so many people who excuse their racism dad or grandmother because “they’re old” and that’s unacceptable.


No, it's totally acceptable. Some people are incapable of change. Therefore you either accept them as they are, or cut them out of your life.

I'm not going to change my mom's dumb opinions about anything, and I don't have the time or energy to fight her about them.

Nope , So the rest of us have to spend our time and energy deflecting her ignorant ass bullshit.
.
In the psychological weight of all that is on the rest of us were on the receiving end of it thanks a lot .
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2018 08:42     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:Not really. There is tons of variety on the left, just as there s on the right. You can vote for Dems and still uphold racism. There are so many people who excuse their racism dad or grandmother because “they’re old” and that’s unacceptable.


No, it's totally acceptable. Some people are incapable of change. Therefore you either accept them as they are, or cut them out of your life.

I'm not going to change my mom's dumb opinions about anything, and I don't have the time or energy to fight her about them.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2018 07:26     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.



I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.


Sorry to hear all this.

Who did they vote for in 2016?


MIL for Hillary/FIL for Trump.


Fascinating.


Not really. There is tons of variety on the left, just as there s on the right. You can vote for Dems and still uphold racism. There are so many people who excuse their racism dad or grandmother because “they’re old” and that’s unacceptable.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2018 07:23     Subject: Racist family members
My mother says idiotic, racist stuff (like a black doctor is “the black doctor,” but white ones aren’t described) and I address it EVERY time. It starts to sink in after a while if you explain WHY what they are saying is racist. Don’t just say “that’s racist!” They just retreat when you throw that out there. It takes more time to explain why, but think about how many bombs this person is dropping as they go about their day - at the supermarket, the bank, the post office, church.

With my MIL, my husband tried to address some of the things she says after Charlottesville and she raged about it. She is legit racist. They didn’t talk for weeks, but she’s been so much better since. And we don’t hold our tongues around her at all anymore. Turn about is fair play.

So basically, SAY SOMETHING, people! You won’t believe how much better Thanksgiving can be when you aren’t waiting in horror for the next vile comment.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 23:44     Subject: Racist family members
So many young adults are judgmental about this but would be horrified if expected to practice what they preach.

Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 23:06     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.



I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.


Sorry to hear all this.

Who did they vote for in 2016?


MIL for Hillary/FIL for Trump.


Fascinating.

Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 22:57     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.



I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.


Sorry to hear all this.

Who did they vote for in 2016?


MIL for Hillary/FIL for Trump.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 22:11     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.



I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.


Sorry to hear all this.

Who did they vote for in 2016?
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 22:02     Subject: Re:Racist family members
My FIL makes racist remarks and everyone just ignores it. He is also the one who controls my MIL. I don't know everyone just ignores it and some turn it into joke. I seriously don't know what to do about it other than avoid my IL's.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 21:40     Subject: Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As someone who is the product of an interracial relationship that extended family members did not support, please call your MIL out. And tell your husband to do it, too.

It's unacceptable in this day and age. If you don't call out such antiquated ideas, I'd consider someone complicit. "Old" is not an excuse when you live in the present.



I agree with this poster, but be warned the waves you will make. It could be the end of your marriage or DH's relationship with his mother or other family issues.

I'm in an interracial relationship with family estrangements so I'm a little prejudice from personal experience. Your DH is complicit but allowing her the excuse of "old." Tell him as such.


+1. I have an uncle who is a complete racist (among other things). For most of my life, the family’s attitude was to just ignore him. As an adult, I avoided him when possible. But since Trump, he has gotten so brazen about it. I couldn’t ignore it any longer and started correcting incorrect things he said that we’re based on bigotry, telling him what I found unacceptable, telling him to keep his comments off my FB wall, etc. It all blew up. His kids, who I thought knew better, rallied to his side when people (not just me) started calling him out on all his BS. It’s caused some big rifts. It sucks, honestly, but in the end I’d rather lose them all than for my kids to think for even a second that I find that kind of language and behavior acceptable.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2018 20:38     Subject: Re:Racist family members
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.



I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.