Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them.

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.

Anonymous wrote:You don't really know. Some you see the anger, some don't show anger. They are the ones of nightmares.

Today my sister called me up hysterical. Her husband of 13 years left her. Just packed his stuff and left. He told her she was boring, he was unhappy, wanted to live his life without her. He told her not to bother trying to fix anything, he was not staying. He left her with the bills and said bye. Oh and a parting shot to really drive that stake into her heart, he said he married her because he felt sorry for her. That lowdown piece of s.

Out of the blue, no warning, nothing. And she is devastated to the bone. He never hit her, never raised his voice. Just f u and bye. I don't think she will recover from this and I don't know what to do except offer her my house to live in. Thank God no kids. She has no idea but he has another woman already. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She might harm herself. No man just leaves unless he has a side piece and a roof over his head. That's how he met her. He left his first wife and kids, moved out of state. Same thing is happening now. She's so broken right now she hasn't put it together yet but she will.

All I could think was at least she's alive. Not like that poor pregnant girl and her kids.

I swear evil walks this Earth. And it doesn't always show it's true self.

So peacefully leaving with no violence makes you the same as an evil killer? How would you view this if the sexes were reversed and the man claimed the woman had no right to leave?

You don't really know. Some you see the anger, some don't show anger. They are the ones of nightmares.

Today my sister called me up hysterical. Her husband of 13 years left her. Just packed his stuff and left. He told her she was boring, he was unhappy, wanted to live his life without her. He told her not to bother trying to fix anything, he was not staying. He left her with the bills and said bye. Oh and a parting shot to really drive that stake into her heart, he said he married her because he felt sorry for her. That lowdown piece of s.

Out of the blue, no warning, nothing. And she is devastated to the bone. He never hit her, never raised his voice. Just f u and bye. I don't think she will recover from this and I don't know what to do except offer her my house to live in. Thank God no kids. She has no idea but he has another woman already. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She might harm herself. No man just leaves unless he has a side piece and a roof over his head. That's how he met her. He left his first wife and kids, moved out of state. Same thing is happening now. She's so broken right now she hasn't put it together yet but she will.

All I could think was at least she's alive. Not like that poor pregnant girl and her kids.

I swear evil walks this Earth. And it doesn't always show it's true self.

Anonymous wrote:I had a sister who was about 14.5 years older than me. She was murdered by her estranged husband after they had separated and were in the process of divorcing. She was 22 and I was almost 8. The court ordered her to take their baby for visitation and he killed her and committed suicide during one of those visits. He left the baby alone. She told my dad and older brother (one year younger than her) that she thought my BIL was going to kill her. They told her not to be silly and paranoid. My dad carried the guilt of not listening to her to his grave and my brother, who is nearly 60 now still carries some guilt.

Fast forward a few years to the summer I turned 15. I helped my grandmother clean out closets in her house because she wanted to sell it and downsize. I found a box of paper...one of those big boxes that (in those days) typing paper came in...I guess now it would be printer paper. I opened it and it was filled with sheets my sister had written as a journal. It detailed times my brother in law had beaten her, chased her out of their apartment in his underpants so he could beat her some more etc. It was in some ways cathartic for me to read because it helped me understand what I hand't known before and that was my BIL didn't just snap one day. There was a lot of lead up to what he did. I showed the box to my mom who then burned its contents which I think was sort of dumb, but not my call.

Generally speaking, I don't think most people just snap. There are little things leading up to it along the way. It's important to pay attention and notice the little things without becoming paranoid in the process.

Do people not see? The law couldn’t foresee partner violence - the law forced this woman to continue to visit her ex. She even told her father and brother she thought he would kill her. Even when there are signs and women do know, the culture, the law and our closest family don’t protect us, don’t support us in listening to our self-protective voice.

I stayed with a partner who could have been violent to me or dangerously negligent to my kids, precisely because of this reason — because my attorney told me that he would receive 50% custody, without a doubt. His mental illness diagnosis would not factor into custody until he beat or sexually assaulted me or the child, and then you would have asked, why didn’t she the signs? Why didn’t she leave? Even when we do see the signs, there are so many pressures to stay and so little real help.

Sometimes its obvious, sometimes its a shock. I dated one guy who was emotionally abusive at times but never hit me or ever threatened to do anything remotely similar. Another guy, who I really loved and thought I was going to marry. He thought I was cheating on him (I wasn't). We had an argument and he shoved me onto the floor. I never in a million years saw that coming.

I had a sister who was about 14.5 years older than me. She was murdered by her estranged husband after they had separated and were in the process of divorcing. She was 22 and I was almost 8. The court ordered her to take their baby for visitation and he killed her and committed suicide during one of those visits. He left the baby alone. She told my dad and older brother (one year younger than her) that she thought my BIL was going to kill her. They told her not to be silly and paranoid. My dad carried the guilt of not listening to her to his grave and my brother, who is nearly 60 now still carries some guilt.

Fast forward a few years to the summer I turned 15. I helped my grandmother clean out closets in her house because she wanted to sell it and downsize. I found a box of paper...one of those big boxes that (in those days) typing paper came in...I guess now it would be printer paper. I opened it and it was filled with sheets my sister had written as a journal. It detailed times my brother in law had beaten her, chased her out of their apartment in his underpants so he could beat her some more etc. It was in some ways cathartic for me to read because it helped me understand what I hand't known before and that was my BIL didn't just snap one day. There was a lot of lead up to what he did. I showed the box to my mom who then burned its contents which I think was sort of dumb, but not my call.

Generally speaking, I don't think most people just snap. There are little things leading up to it along the way. It's important to pay attention and notice the little things without becoming paranoid in the process.

I would suspect that the FU poster likely did not grow up in an abusive home situation.

When one does, it becomes easy to tell the signs of when "something bad is going to happen."

I can only comment because I get the "signs" and maybe I would not if I had grown up in a different environment.

Trust your "spidey sense" - it is rarely wrong.

Finally, if you have the inkling that he will be violent, he will be. Run for the hills.

I'd rather be alone than be with someone who hit me or was abusive in any way.

...My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

No, I will not be in an abusive relationship - ever. I grew up with a horrifically violent, abusive father. I recognize the signs and have been very careful in my choice of who I had relationships (romantic and non-romantic) with.

You continue to fail to recognize the contradictions in your posts. Unless your loved one develops mental illness, the signs of an unhealthy relationship are there. They just don't develop overnight and unless action is taken, it will escalate. That action, at a minimum, should include relationship counseling. While it may take you a while to recognize it, an unhealthy relationship just doesn't happen overnight. I'm not accusing anyone of being stupid or having low self-esteem, just continuing to make poor choices. Claiming that it can happen to anyone is a cop out. No one deserves to be abused and it is always wrong but it's BS to say, 'there but for the grace of god go I'.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Why did you say FU? What you first wrote contradicts your subsequent paragraphs.

NP. FU = Follow Up.

My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

NP here. You just said he was smooth in the beginning and then isolated you from your peers. That all happened before he threatened to beat you, correct? I believe there are situations where an abuser is very difficult to detect, but it doesn’t sound like you were in one of those situations. Save your FU’s.

The sound he makes while pooping

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FU. There are often no signs at all. Do you think women are stupid? do you think women want to be hit? I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time. He raised his hand but didn't hit me. I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have? He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it. He was always totally into me - proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids. It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you.

Why did you say FU? What you first wrote contradicts your subsequent paragraphs.

NP. FU = Follow Up.

My FU did not mean follow up. It meant FU for blaming the victim. It took 4 YEARS before my BF threatened to beat me the first time. I had no way of knowing he would do that and no way to differentiate his loving behavior from those of other boyfriends who didn’t end up beating me. My friends nor his knew about the abuse nor predicted so why should I have?

Those of you who would like to believe there are signs, want to believe so because then you can tell yourself that you would never be in an abusive relationship because you would Be smart enough to see the signs and those of us who were abused were simply stupid or had low self-esteem. You are delusional. This can happen to any woman. I’m so glad I had no kids and a large enough nest egg that I could hire a lawyer and force the sale or refinancing of our jointly owned home, that I could afford to walk away from the $30k I put down and that I had friends and family who provided shelter for me while I worked out moving out.

There but for the grace of god you could go......

Anonymous wrote:I would not have moved in with the boyfriend who became my husband had I not seen him get angry both at people he loved and people he didn't know, and seen how he dealt with stress.

I learned this the hard way in my first marriage. XH’s parents bulldozed all his obstacles until we got married. Then managing him became my problem. He’d never gotten angry with me before.

IME it’s overly controlling behavior and overwhelming charm at the outset of the relationship. The sex is superior, which I frankly believe is in the artillery of abusive behaviors, because then your love hormones are in the mix and it makes it that much harder to disengage. If a guy lays it on thick and is too good to be true - run.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You crazy beeyaches make us snap...

GFY

Ah, I see the fuk up fairy has visited us again.

Thank you and have great evening.

They are controlling.
Manipulative.
Emotionally abusive.
Easily jealous.


On the flip side,
They balance this with extreme loving attention.
They often shower you with gifts after a big fight.