OP, your husband might be acting like a jerk, but I'm in his situation in my marriage, and boy, it is freaking hard. As in, we don't have kids and I don't know if we are going to make it hard. Because, yes, he's in treatment and has been for awhile now, but there were a lot of years when he wasn't and that did some damage. And, now, even with treatment, he is just not available for me as an emotional support. His issues ALWAYS come first because while I am capable of just sucking things up and moving on, he is not. And, it is just wearing and literally impacts every area of our married life. I would give just about anything to have a spouse I could count on to take care of me and pay attention to what I need like I do for him, just for a little while.

I’m glad you talked, OP. But there’s a term for what your DH is experiencing - pursuer burnout. I was that spouse, so I understand that side. I agree with the others that it would be a good idea to find support from others. Maybe not forever, but at least for now. But also, don’t hide what’s going on and pretend everything is okay. Let him know the plan, and your reasoning. And also, make sure you acknowledge anything your DH has done for you. I think it’s possible for you two to grow together and get stronger, but you need to make sure there’s clear and honest communication on both sides, while giving him a chance to recover.

OP again - I repeat, not Chinese food lady I haven’t seen that thread - where is it? Just to clarify a few things, I’m doing day to day things, I work, do all meal planning, shopping and cooking for 3 meals a day, still do 90 percent of kid appts, activity sign ups, paperwork, organize play dates, bday presents, etc...my interactions with my kids are not too impacted although I’m sure there are times my energy level is lower than normal.

I think the disconnect is that I am trying hard and have made progress but I’ve felt like DH expects a total 180 recovery at all times. He has complained about having to pick up some slack around the house/with the kids and that’s been frustrating for me because I don’t feel like I’m getting credit for doing what I am doing despite the challenges and I guess I’ve felt like it’s not unreasonable to ask him to take a few things off my plate like looking into soccer registration or whatever.

I think DH intellectually understands the idea of a mental health issue but he doesn’t really understand it emotionally. He thinks I can turn it off if I really want to, or at least he partially thinks it. Anyway, we talked and I am feeling better about things. I was in a low moment when I posted.

My husband is like you.

I am like your husband.

It's really hard. I know he's trying. He is still often "unavailable" as a husband and as a father. He kind of has his own timetable for getting through the day. However, in a functioning world, no one else gets to follow their own timetable. So, I'm the one getting the kids up, getting them where they need to be. I do the lion's share of everything around the house. I do all our social planning. I listen. I listen and listen and listen.

We're not divorcing, but it does get me down.

Keep doing all the constructive things you're doing. That's all I can say.

In fairness to him and to counter those who vilify him, it can be absolutely exhausting to deal with someone with mental and emotional issues. Especially if that person is your spouse and partner. Besides support and understanding, he is helpless to really do anything about your issues and they are YOUR issues.

I sympathise with you but I'm sure there is a whole other side to this story also. If you aren't showing signs of getting better and just sort of living for your illness, he may have reached a breaking point and just given up. I've been there.
Don't let your mental illness define you or your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By chance do you happen to be lying in a ball on the floor crying and complaining that he's ordering Chinese food?

OMG, I had the same thought. Seriously, OP, if this is you, just stop.
If it's not you, just go read that thread. There no more anyone can say.

Had same thought!

I’m the OP and I have no idea what the Chinese food reference is about - not me. DH and I had a good talk and I feel a little bit better about things in terms of our relationship.

Here’s another thought: OP, don’t be one of those people who lives for their illness, can’t have a conversation without mentioning it, etc. these are good signs that something else is in the way of your recovery.

Anonymous wrote:Men are not good at being caretakers...news flash. Find a support networking outlet to get sympathy for your issues elsewhere.

Men can absolutely be good caregivers. I have anxiety too, and I hit a bad spot a year ago. DH cut me all sorts of slack while I got treatment--it took about two months to get "better," with gradual improvement and ups and downs along the way.

As long as I was getting treatment and doing what I was supposed to do for the treatment, he was willing to go with the flow and shoulder a lot more of the household burdens. I told how much I appreciated it.

OP is getting treatment. She's working hard. It would be nice of her DH to notice and appreciate that.

Anonymous wrote:Ask your counselors for advice on how to deal with your DH. They might even want to speak with him.

That's what I was thinking. He needs a professional third party to help him understand.

Would that he would seek out such information himself, but since he's not, well, see if he will talk with one of your professionals.

I’m in my 40’s too and have noticed that I have had a huge increase in anxiety and depression. I have been ready a lot on hormone imbalance and it is a common accurance in woman going through perimenapause . Talk to you obgyn. There are things that can help you.

Anonymous wrote:By chance do you happen to be lying in a ball on the floor crying and complaining that he's ordering Chinese food?

OMG, I had the same thought. Seriously, OP, if this is you, just stop.
If it's not you, just go read that thread. There no more anyone can say.

Have you tried trauma therapy such as EMDR?

It saved my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have serious serious issues with any person, especially one who supposedly loved me, saying "You are f*ing crazy!" to me, under any circumstances. Unless maybe I was coming at him with a knife or threw my kid off a bridge. Anything less than that, TOTALLY unacceptable!

Sounds like the spouse has reached their limit and lost their temper. It's not easy being a person with mental illness and just as difficult for their spouse except the spouse is suppose to be a saint and not complain, be supportive, understanding, patient, etc.

Living with crazy is hard. Give them some slack.

This. While you're dealing with your illness, DH is trying to keep everything normal for the family and is getting tired of hearing about it all the time

Anonymous wrote:Men are not good at being caretakers...news flash. Find a support networking outlet to get sympathy for your issues elsewhere.

It's not just men. DW dealing with a DH with mental issues similar to OP and it is really hard. I deal with it by disassociating myself similar to OP's DH. Otherwise I'll go crazy myself....

I agree wholeheartedly with the bolded both for OP and her spouse.