the issue is not "when is the least worst time to split up' from the kid's perspective. It is that you would be, you fear, unleashing a torrent of instability, anger, and ugliness that would scar them, possibly for the long term.

I guess, barring some change in him, you should do what a PP suggested. Start methodically and carefully planning for your future. Pour the money into college funds and trusts but definitely do so with a lawyer because trusts are not always exempt from being considered as marital asset in a divorce. what else can you do? surround your kids with loving, strong adults outside of you, family or friends who can be there for them if/when things are bad. document anything violent, manipulative or abusive. Do you have a therapist? how do you manage the day to day?

It ultimately is up to the judge. What's best for the children will be decided. If her STBX has anger issues etc. that can work against him in court.

OP I think this is probably the best time versus if your kids were smaller. That's when they can't communicate if there's something amiss going on in the other home. Why wait?