No clue. But call her what she wants. That is just basic decency.

First world problems.

This pretty much sums it up. People who have the time to worry about stuff like "my authentic self" or "living my best life" should consider themselves pretty lucky.

Anonymous wrote:Some people are comfortable in their own skin from day 1. Very lucky people.

Many (most?) are on a journey to find their real selves, someone who wasn’t named and shaped and molded by their parents, who had possibly very different ideas about what they wanted in a child.

I dropped my middle name. That was a better representation of how I viewed myself. I was the only person in the family not named after someone. Names mean a lot to me. So to me there was no need to keep a frivolous middle name. Gone. Might sound bizarre to others. It just felt right to me.

Your family member may be doing something similar. We all have different ways of seeking self awareness, and this may be her way.

First world problems.

I’m saying do what you want to do, but don’t make sweeping claims about what it means or feels like to be a particular gender. Be who you want to be. But claims that one knows what it “feels like” to be a woman/man essentialize gender— whichbis what all of us, gay or straight, cis or trans, should be trying to get away from. Theee are as many ways to “be a woman” as there women in the world. Maybe if we all focused more on being human we would be less fixated on insisting that we know some essential truth about being a woman (or a man).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I hit submit I had another thought. One way they know their feelings are what they say they are is after they transition to the other gender, they feel at home in their body and like they’ve found their place in society more than when they lived with their birth gender. If they really weren’t feeling like the opposite gender, wouldn’t they feel more awkward after transitioning instead of feeling like they’re being true to themselves?

What is the difference between that and “I am happier now that people assume that I am male/female and treated me in accordance with their assumptions about maleness/femaleness” ?

Being happier post-transition doesn’t show that you understood the secret essence of maleness or femaleness— it just shows that you correctly predicted that you would be happier if treated different way by others.

Arguing against gender essentialism here.

Ok fine. What I’m hearing is they can’t possibly know what it’s like to be the other gender. What’s your point? That they can’t be trans because they can’t feel like the other gender? It sounds like you’re simultaneously saying that we can define how gender feels to us and there no such thing as how a gender feels because it isn’t the same for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:After I hit submit I had another thought. One way they know their feelings are what they say they are is after they transition to the other gender, they feel at home in their body and like they’ve found their place in society more than when they lived with their birth gender. If they really weren’t feeling like the opposite gender, wouldn’t they feel more awkward after transitioning instead of feeling like they’re being true to themselves?

What is the difference between that and “I am happier now that people assume that I am male/female and treated me in accordance with their assumptions about maleness/femaleness” ?

Being happier post-transition doesn’t show that you understood the secret essence of maleness or femaleness— it just shows that you correctly predicted that you would be happier if treated different way by others.

Arguing against gender essentialism here.

I can say that I don’t know what it “feels like” to be someone else and also believe that same someone else holds a mistaken belief. Those aren’t contradictory. I don’t know what it “feels like” to grow up believing the earth is flat, but I can still say that it’s a mistaken belief.

I think you’re missing the point though. When you say you “feel feminine,” you’re saying you feel something that you choose to label “feminine,” and perhaps you describe your feeling to a dozen other women and most of them nod and say “the way I feel sounds similar to the way you say you feel. And I too label that ‘feminine.’” Nothing wrong with that— but have you and your hypothetical confidants exhausted the possible ways women can feel? Surely not. Surely there are other women who feel differently, or don’t label how they feel “feminine,” or use that label to mean something quite different.

Again, this has nothing to do with rights or supporting or not supporting transgender people and the choices they make (and yes, I am close to several trans people). I can believe that they should wear any clothes they want, have any medical treatment they want, use whatever pronouns they want, and present in any way they want, from stereotypically feminine to stereotypically masculine, and that no one shou,d bug them about it or discriminate against them based on it— and I can still say, however, that if they announce that they “feel male” or “feel female,” that is a statement about themselves and their views of how they would prefer to act and look and be treated, not a statement about femaleness or maleness.

Here’s a thought experiment: do you feel the same about gender and race? If not, why not? Consider Rachel Dalziel, a white woman who insisted that she “felt” black and wanted others to treat her as black. Many African Americans were understandably a bit put out that she was insisted that she had some special insight into what it “feels like” to be black.
If you are white and announced to me that you “feel” Latina, I’d be equally irritated: if you like the individual and cultural attributes you associate with being Latina, that’s great, and if you want to learn Spanish, cook and eat Latin cuisines (it’s yummy, you’re welcome), wear Latina clothing styles and so on, go for it. I don’t own Latina culture. But telling me that “deep inside” your “authentic self” is Latina is self-indulgent and arrogant. You don’t and can’t know what it “feels like.”

After I hit submit I had another thought. One way they know their feelings are what they say they are is after they transition to the other gender, they feel at home in their body and like they’ve found their place in society more than when they lived with their birth gender. If they really weren’t feeling like the opposite gender, wouldn’t they feel more awkward after transitioning instead of feeling like they’re being true to themselves?

Anonymous wrote:That’s the point. Sure, I can “imagine” what it might feel like to be a [man/woman]. But I can’t KNOW. All I can KNOW is what it feels like to be myself. The rest is my imagination. Do you think all men feel the same, or all women? If you do you need to use your own imagination a bit more.

I am (as it happens) biologically female and I identify as female, and I still would not presume to say that I know “what it feels like to be female.” I know what it feels like to be myself, a latina female who is 5’6” and is from Chicago and had a mother named ___ and a hamster named Fred and went to Catholic school and was scared of the dark and so on and so forth. I don’t know what it feels like to be you, or a man, or an African American, or someone who was ephemeral afraid of the dark. I can imagine all those things, sure. I can tell myself that if only I was white, or a man, or not afraid of the dark, I’d happier. Maybe I’d even be right! But to say that “deep inside, my authentic self is white/male/not afraid of the dark” is silly. I don’t know what any of these identities feel like. I can’t know. All I can do is imagine.

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Although I find it ironic that you’re saying you can’t know what it feels like to be someone esle, but you’re quite certain people who are transgender are wrong.

No I don’t think all women feel the same, but I can say I feel like a woman. It’s part of who I am. Sometimes I feel very feminine. When I break down the things I feel I can determine I feel that way because I’m a woman. If I felt differently, I could determine those feelings as masculine or that I feel like a man. I believe people when they say what they feel. I don’t know why believing what someone says they feel and experience is such a leap for some people. How can feeling a certain way be wrong?

Do you actually know anyone who is transgender? Maybe they could explain it better. If you don’t know anyone who is, maybe reading about people who’ve transitioned from one gender to the other would help you understand.

Anonymous wrote:I second this question.I also hear "be your authentic self!!!!" in leadership courses and have no clue what it means. Then they go on and try to get us to mimic successful leaders. What's authentic about copying someone else?

Nothing, really.

I think, though, some extroverts think being outgoing all the time is everybody's authentic self. It isn't.

That’s the point. Sure, I can “imagine” what it might feel like to be a [man/woman]. But I can’t KNOW. All I can KNOW is what it feels like to be myself. The rest is my imagination. Do you think all men feel the same, or all women? If you do you need to use your own imagination a bit more.

I am (as it happens) biologically female and I identify as female, and I still would not presume to say that I know “what it feels like to be female.” I know what it feels like to be myself, a latina female who is 5’6” and is from Chicago and had a mother named ___ and a hamster named Fred and went to Catholic school and was scared of the dark and so on and so forth. I don’t know what it feels like to be you, or a man, or an African American, or someone who was ephemeral afraid of the dark. I can imagine all those things, sure. I can tell myself that if only I was white, or a man, or not afraid of the dark, I’d happier. Maybe I’d even be right! But to say that “deep inside, my authentic self is white/male/not afraid of the dark” is silly. I don’t know what any of these identities feel like. I can’t know. All I can do is imagine.

Anonymous wrote:I hate this idea of "my authentic self" when in it coupled with essentialist statements about gender identity. "Deep inside, I have always felt that my authentic self is really [female/male]." I'm like: how the f*ck do you know what "females" or "males" "FEEL" like?

I know what it feels like to be me. I have no idea what other people feel like, or what "men" feel like or "women" feel like. It's idiotic.

If you feel like you would be happier if people addressed you by a different name or pronoun, or if you wore different clothes, or if you had surgery or hormone treatment, that is absolutely fine with me. Go for it. But don't claim you have some mystical insight into what it "really" feels like to be a man or a woman.

So because you can’t imagine it and it’s never happened to you, it can’t be true and it’s idiotic. Got it.

I hate this idea of "my authentic self" when in it coupled with essentialist statements about gender identity. "Deep inside, I have always felt that my authentic self is really [female/male]." I'm like: how the f*ck do you know what "females" or "males" "FEEL" like?

I know what it feels like to be me. I have no idea what other people feel like, or what "men" feel like or "women" feel like. It's idiotic.

If you feel like you would be happier if people addressed you by a different name or pronoun, or if you wore different clothes, or if you had surgery or hormone treatment, that is absolutely fine with me. Go for it. But don't claim you have some mystical insight into what it "really" feels like to be a man or a woman.

It's a way to sell you spiritual books, yoga tights, makeup, bath bombs, or other "self care" products. It commodifies self care. It's the latest buzz word that matches monstera plants and millennial pink.

Anonymous wrote:Your true, authentic self is who you are absent all the labels. Remove you job title, your role in your family, your education level, your ethnicity/race, your gender, ..... Your authentic self is the being you are at the soul level. We are spiritual beings temporarily using the human body so that we can navigate in this physical world. Who you are absent that body is your authentic self.

Uh.... all of that forms part of who you are.

I can't agree there is a spiritual self, only the conscious. And that conscious is very much attached to your body.