Anonymous
10/18/2018 10:31
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Anonymous wrote:OP, now is the time to trade your big lie of being straight for a small lie.
The small lie: tell your family and children that you are bisexual, and now that your husband is gone, you're going to date women. Do not make them carry the burden of what was missing in your marriage. You made compromises before: make one more now. Talk about it with a therapist if you need to, but don't make your children carry that.
You can go ahead and date and hopefully find love -- believe me, there are other lesbians in their 60s who'd love to meet you!
I wish you luck and love.
Yes, this. You don't need to tell your kids anything that would tarnish their memory of a happy youth and growing up. You loved your husband, and that is ALL they need to know.
That said, they are in their 20s or 30s now, right? they probably will be very accepting of you.
Anonymous
10/10/2018 21:09
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Anonymous wrote:I’m a lesbian in my late 60s who spent the last 30 years married to a heterosexual man. I loved my husband, but was not sexually or romantically attracted to him. He passed away a few years ago and I was heartbroken but now I see this as an opportunity to live my true life.
I settled down and married my husband in the mid-80s because I wanted stability, a house, a family. At the time, that wasn’t possible for a same-sex couple. I don’t have any regrets because I have three beautiful adult children and two wonderful grandchildren. The years I spent with my husband were happy, he was a great man. But I was always lying to myself and lying to those around me.
I had relationships with women when I was young that were vibrant, passionate and true. I made strong female friendships and had such an amazing community, but at the time devouring yourself to life as a gay person meant living in a subculture. It’s not like it is today, it was signing a part of your life away. It was saying goodbye to the house with the picket fence, a spouse, children, comfortable living. It was a life of hardships.
Over the past couple of decades (particularly the last two) I’ve seen a massive flip. It’s been amazing to watch from the outside, I feel like a secret agent.
We have new neighbors, a lesbian couple in their early 40s with two young children. I feel a sting of jealousy. Had I been born a few decades later, I could have had it all. The house, the spouse, the kids. Perfect unity.
I know there is an increase of older lesbians and gay men coming out of the closet. I’m interested in dating, but I feel past my prime. Most older lesbians are settled. I also worry about the reaction of my kids. How funny. So many young kids worrying about how their grandparents will react, and I’m in the same shoes at 66.
Mostly rambling, life is a journey.
Op, life is a journey. Most marriages end in divorce, so perfect unity is an illusion. You made choices, so don’t regret the road not taken. You’re still on your journey, so it’s not too late to change course.
In talking with your kids, don’t make this about regrets or their dad. It may take some adjustment but deep down, they probably would want you to be happy.
Anonymous
10/10/2018 20:45
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
OP, I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Anonymous
10/09/2018 08:51
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Anonymous wrote:OP, now is the time to trade your big lie of being straight for a small lie.
The small lie: tell your family and children that you are bisexual, and now that your husband is gone, you're going to date women. Do not make them carry the burden of what was missing in your marriage. You made compromises before: make one more now. Talk about it with a therapist if you need to, but don't make your children carry that.
You can go ahead and date and hopefully find love -- believe me, there are other lesbians in their 60s who'd love to meet you!
I wish you luck and love.
Anonymous
10/08/2018 23:58
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Anonymous wrote:I would just want you to be happy.
I love you and wish we could be friends!
Anonymous
10/08/2018 23:53
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
I would just want you to be happy.
Anonymous
10/08/2018 23:43
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Anonymous wrote:
I'm just surprised people at that age would still have the energy to go out, date and find someone new.
But OP; if one of my parents came out this way, I would not think the previous marriage a sham. Not at all. You can love several people in your life. Sexuality is a fluid thing. And above all, I don't believe any situation is perfect.
So please, live your life without regrets.
You would be surprised at the number of people who have closed themselves away over the years, sometimes it takes a spouse passing away for someone to come out as their true self especially because it was not so socially expectable 50 years ago.
Anonymous
10/08/2018 22:36
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
I'm just surprised people at that age would still have the energy to go out, date and find someone new.
But OP; if one of my parents came out this way, I would not think the previous marriage a sham. Not at all. You can love several people in your life. Sexuality is a fluid thing. And above all, I don't believe any situation is perfect.
So please, live your life without regrets.
Anonymous
10/03/2018 13:33
Subject: Re:Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
If I were you, I'd put up a profile on OKCupid and make it only visible to other women seeking women-you can get a good sense of who else is out there, and then go out on some dates or not depending on how you are feeling. Another option might be seeing what groups and activities are available through meetup or through your local LGBTQ center. Any of those would be a pretty low stakes to explore your feelings.
Re your kids: I don't think you should hold back from living your life based on what they may or may not feel about your identity. You have time to explore before you need to have any conversations with them, and when it gets to the point that you feel you need to talk to them (say if you're dating someone), you have a lot of options in terms of what you tell them. I don't think there is anything harsh about saying: "I had feelings for girls when I was younger, but it was a different time. I loved your father and am so happy that I was able to have you kids and raise them with him. Now, I feel like I need to explore this other side of myself."
I believe that this can be a really joyful time in your life!
Re your kids: I don't think you should hold back from living your life based on what they may or may not feel about your identity. You have time to explore before you need to have any conversations with them, and when it gets to the point that you feel you need to talk to them (say if you're dating someone), you have a lot of options in terms of what you tell them. I don't think there is anything harsh about saying: "I had feelings for girls when I was younger, but it was a different time. I loved your father and am so happy that I was able to have you kids and raise them with him. Now, I feel like I need to explore this other side of myself."
I believe that this can be a really joyful time in your life!
Anonymous
10/03/2018 07:25
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
OP, now is the time to trade your big lie of being straight for a small lie.
The small lie: tell your family and children that you are bisexual, and now that your husband is gone, you're going to date women. Do not make them carry the burden of what was missing in your marriage. You made compromises before: make one more now. Talk about it with a therapist if you need to, but don't make your children carry that.
You can go ahead and date and hopefully find love -- believe me, there are other lesbians in their 60s who'd love to meet you!
I wish you luck and love.
The small lie: tell your family and children that you are bisexual, and now that your husband is gone, you're going to date women. Do not make them carry the burden of what was missing in your marriage. You made compromises before: make one more now. Talk about it with a therapist if you need to, but don't make your children carry that.
You can go ahead and date and hopefully find love -- believe me, there are other lesbians in their 60s who'd love to meet you!
I wish you luck and love.
Anonymous
10/02/2018 23:41
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Anonymous wrote:Tell each of your kids that you love them and you loved - as you could - their dad. You were a good Mom and tried to be a good wife. Don't let labels get in the way of who you really are. If they are good people, they'll support you. If they aren't - well so be it.
Live your life. Hope it all works out.
Anonymous wrote:Tell each of your kids that you love them and you loved - as you could - their dad. You were a good Mom and tried to be a good wife. Don't let labels get in the way of who you really are. If they are good people, they'll support you. If they aren't - well so be it.
Live your life. Hope it all works out.
Yes I have explained to Them why we got divorced, which included many issues aside from but including me being gay. But that their parents still love them and that is the most importiant thing. I have been very up front with them about my current relationship. They really understand love is love and they are very comfortable with their living situation on both ends
Anonymous
10/02/2018 23:16
Subject: Older lesbian coming out after deafh of husband
Tell each of your kids that you love them and you loved - as you could - their dad. You were a good Mom and tried to be a good wife. Don't let labels get in the way of who you really are. If they are good people, they'll support you. If they aren't - well so be it.
Live your life. Hope it all works out.
Live your life. Hope it all works out.