I don't get all the hand-wringing here.

Old Auntie: "Honey, I'm going to leave all my money to your kids, but because I don't really trust you or like you all that much, I'm going to put your Uncle Billy in charge of it. You remember Uncle Billy, right?"

OP: "Oh, yes, Auntie. How very thoughtful of you. Can I get you some more tea?"

End of story.

I've handled a number of estate issues for elderly relatives.
Frankly, in my experience, ANY attempt by you to direct her actions or explain why it might make sense to do things differently will be seen as (pick a word - manipulative, money-grubbing, fraudulent, jealousy, etc.). It's just the way it goes.

Anonymous wrote:She is not dead yet, so take a deep breath and realize that she might change her mind thousand times more. This just makes you look money grabbing, and like you are trying to take the money for yourself. Have your mom talk to her about seeing a lawyer and how to ensure no none can touch the money. And if this really happens with the relative and all, hope for the best, as you have no control over any of it, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, oh well. You sounds as difficult as your aunt, honestly.

Sorry, how do I look money grubbing? Did you read my post? I want her to leave it to someone else and to leave me and my kids alone. I’ve told her this. We are frankly and luckily not in need of it as we have successful high paying careers that we like and have lived within our means. We least of all need it with the circumstances attached to it. I’ve gone so far as to talk to my estate planning attorney to find out if there’s some way to prevent her from leaving it to my kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the 95% chance your kids turn out well (it sounds like you're a very thoughtful and invested parent so strong odds that they will) having a giant chunk of change could actually be wonderful for them. They can pursue undergrad and graduate degrees without a worry, they can select careers they care about like teaching and non-profit work without worrying about their salary's impact on their own kids lives, they have a mental safety net and can take some well calculated risks that someone without a financial cushion couldn't afford to take.

Yes there is a 5% chance the money will make them lazy and they'll blow it on stupid junk. Under any circumstance they will likely spend some of it on frivolous things and you'll have to bite your tongue that they're "wasting it". But try to appreciate all the wonderful things this can bring to them and while they're going up keep an open dialog about the values / money / hardwork / how lucky they are to have this and how smartly they can use it etc. Odds are what you role model will be what defines their future.

Do you have kids? There is no “95% chance” odds like this. Two kids, raised in a wonderful, identical household could end up very differently. One could be moral and grounded and one could be the opposite. Drugs, drinking, teen pregnancy, learning disabilities, mental health problems, molestation, boyfriend or girlfriend or friends who are a bad influence cAn all change someone. 95% chance, my arse.

Yes I do have kids - and most kids / people overall turn out well. Perfect? Absolutely not. But overall the success rate for raising a human in a loving home with resources like education, food, and financial stability is quite high.

Quoting this site: http://www.parentguidenews.com/Articles/EvenGoodKidsdoDrugs

“It’s a knife to my heart when I hear people saying things like if the parents had done a better job, then the child would not have turned to drugs. We raised two sons identically with love and generous servings of praise and adoration. One depended on drugs, one did not.”

Ask Owen Laurie, Brandon Vandenburg, or the mom in the story above. Ask mom’s whose kids are addicted to porn or gaming. I could raise my kid well and in 20 minutes of passion she could become a teen mom - drop out, marrying the guy, etc. sure, better home environment will help. It won’t help anywhere near 95%.

Anonymous wrote:Best you can do is not tell your kids, teach them now about handling money responsibly (3 buckets etc), giving generously to charity (if that's your mindset), helping others, nothing is guaranteed in life etc. Work hard always. Drugs are dangerous.

Also don't get too invested in your kids getting the money. As others here have noted, people change their minds all the time about inheritance and can even be manipulated out of it on their deathbed - we've seen it happen twice to friends.

This is so true! I posted at 8:11, and this happened in our family too. The source of the $50M was my dad's uncle (let's call him Great Uncle) who never had children. It was always understood that the money would be split amongst his nieces and nephews. After his death, Great Uncle's brother, an unscrupulous attorney and all around rotten human being, produced a will signed on GU's deathbed that left everything to GU's brother and GU's brother's kids. It was largely considered to either be a forgery or a hard press on his deathbed, but no one contested it.

So GU's brother manipulated his own kids their whole lives, and his son was a layabout who never had a real job. His son's daughters also never learned responsibility, and they never entered into careers. Then the son dies, his widow takes up with a gold digger, and stops supporting her own daughters at gold digger's request. She manipulates her daughters and their leeching husbands, and doles out just enough money to keep them begging for more. It's so disgusting.

Meanwhile, my dad never looked back and continued supporting his family. I never even heard about this from him, only other relatives. My siblings and I never had any expectations of an inheritance, and we all have productive careers and are self supporting. I feel bad for my sousins, the three layabout females. Sure, some money would be nice, but I wouldn't trade lives with them for anything.

OP, please stop playing your role in this dynamic and just ignore it. Move on with your life, and if it happens it happens, but don't twist and turn to try to stay in the running. It's a sure path to misery. Good luck and take care.

Anonymous wrote:Just step way and do not engage. Remove the possibility of this person to pull strings or manipulate with the money. Say “whatever you think is best” if at all confronted with this again. Raise your children well and with financial literacy. Maybe it’ll happen and maybe it won’t. Worry about t when she’s gone and the trust is set up and then talk to a financial advisor or counselor as to how to bring it up with our kids etc.

This is great advice, OP. Maybe your relative will leave your kids money, and maybe not. She sounds very manipulative and spiteful, so don't be surprised if she leaves it to someone else if she feels slighted by you, for real or imaginary slights. I've seen how destructive last minute will changes and other manipulative moves for large sums of money ($50M+) and (20M+) have been in my family.

Just move forward with your life as if your kids aren't getting it, and don't let this relative attach strings to your relationship. Raise your kids to support themselves, then if they get this money they'll be financially responsible. Save for your kids' college so you're not dependent on this relative. The happiest people in my family have ignored this money and don't give in to the whims of the controlling people who have it. The ones who keep hanging on and letting others manipulate them like a marionette are desperate, aren't able to support themselves, and lead generally miserable lives.

Good luck OP, and I'm sorry you're experiencing these issues. It's so destructive and can put a cloud over your whole life if you let it.

Best you can do is not tell your kids, teach them now about handling money responsibly (3 buckets etc), giving generously to charity (if that's your mindset), helping others, nothing is guaranteed in life etc. Work hard always. Drugs are dangerous.

Also don't get too invested in your kids getting the money. As others here have noted, people change their minds all the time about inheritance and can even be manipulated out of it on their deathbed - we've seen it happen twice to friends.

She is not dead yet, so take a deep breath and realize that she might change her mind thousand times more. This just makes you look money grabbing, and like you are trying to take the money for yourself. Have your mom talk to her about seeing a lawyer and how to ensure no none can touch the money. And if this really happens with the relative and all, hope for the best, as you have no control over any of it, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, oh well. You sounds as difficult as your aunt, honestly.

you Say she’s 90 and the kids won’t really ever know her, don’t count on it. My grandmother the queen made it to 99.5. And always had everyone dancing to her tune.

Hi OP, I’m now 30 and was left a million+ in a trust at age 12 by a childless relative- my parents weren’t told before.

Have you ever heard of bogelheads? It’s a forum for money that adopts the philosophy of using conservative investments (index funds and bonds) to build and maintain wealth. My dad ascribed to that philosophy and also used the website’s advice to slowly educate me about money over time. You mentioned your kids are still young- I think you should go take a look there and read about the technique of increasing disclosures as kids grow up so they slowly become exposed to the money and it’s not a big splash once it happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the 95% chance your kids turn out well (it sounds like you're a very thoughtful and invested parent so strong odds that they will) having a giant chunk of change could actually be wonderful for them. They can pursue undergrad and graduate degrees without a worry, they can select careers they care about like teaching and non-profit work without worrying about their salary's impact on their own kids lives, they have a mental safety net and can take some well calculated risks that someone without a financial cushion couldn't afford to take.

Yes there is a 5% chance the money will make them lazy and they'll blow it on stupid junk. Under any circumstance they will likely spend some of it on frivolous things and you'll have to bite your tongue that they're "wasting it". But try to appreciate all the wonderful things this can bring to them and while they're going up keep an open dialog about the values / money / hardwork / how lucky they are to have this and how smartly they can use it etc. Odds are what you role model will be what defines their future.

Do you have kids? There is no “95% chance” odds like this. Two kids, raised in a wonderful, identical household could end up very differently. One could be moral and grounded and one could be the opposite. Drugs, drinking, teen pregnancy, learning disabilities, mental health problems, molestation, boyfriend or girlfriend or friends who are a bad influence cAn all change someone. 95% chance, my arse.

Yes I do have kids - and most kids / people overall turn out well. Perfect? Absolutely not. But overall the success rate for raising a human in a loving home with resources like education, food, and financial stability is quite high.

Anonymous wrote:On the 95% chance your kids turn out well (it sounds like you're a very thoughtful and invested parent so strong odds that they will) having a giant chunk of change could actually be wonderful for them. They can pursue undergrad and graduate degrees without a worry, they can select careers they care about like teaching and non-profit work without worrying about their salary's impact on their own kids lives, they have a mental safety net and can take some well calculated risks that someone without a financial cushion couldn't afford to take.

Yes there is a 5% chance the money will make them lazy and they'll blow it on stupid junk. Under any circumstance they will likely spend some of it on frivolous things and you'll have to bite your tongue that they're "wasting it". But try to appreciate all the wonderful things this can bring to them and while they're going up keep an open dialog about the values / money / hardwork / how lucky they are to have this and how smartly they can use it etc. Odds are what you role model will be what defines their future.

Do you have kids? There is no “95% chance” odds like this. Two kids, raised in a wonderful, identical household could end up very differently. One could be moral and grounded and one could be the opposite. Drugs, drinking, teen pregnancy, learning disabilities, mental health problems, molestation, boyfriend or girlfriend or friends who are a bad influence cAn all change someone. 95% chance, my arse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talking milbags or what? My kids got about 50K each and I didn't give it a second thought but millies might be different.

Yes, millions.

Thank you all. I am going to go with what one of you suggested - tell her to do what she wants with it and then stay away from her toxicity. DH and I can only do what we can do to raise good humans. Hopefully they will be responsible and if they aren’t, it probably means we have bigger problems than this money.

It’s just so depressing to have such manipulative and toxic relatives.

My husbands aunt had $23 million. She had promised my husband and his brother half since she didnt have children. In the end she ended up donating it to the bank because my husband and BIL weren’t the best nephews to her. So who knows if she’ll actually leave them the money in the end.

Anonymous wrote:We talking milbags or what? My kids got about 50K each and I didn't give it a second thought but millies might be different.

Yes, millions.

Thank you all. I am going to go with what one of you suggested - tell her to do what she wants with it and then stay away from her toxicity. DH and I can only do what we can do to raise good humans. Hopefully they will be responsible and if they aren’t, it probably means we have bigger problems than this money.

It’s just so depressing to have such manipulative and toxic relatives.

We talking milbags or what? My kids got about 50K each and I didn't give it a second thought but millies might be different.

Just step way and do not engage. Remove the possibility of this person to pull strings or manipulate with the money. Say “whatever you think is best” if at all confronted with this again. Raise your children well and with financial literacy. Maybe it’ll happen and maybe it won’t. Worry about t when she’s gone and the trust is set up and then talk to a financial advisor or counselor as to how to bring it up with our kids etc.