Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

But are they really not a top dog in their son's eyes? At least at the beginning of the marriage? Isn't that why DIL starts the fight? Because, DH is spending times with his mom, because wife sees her husband paying attention to his mom, because he defends his mom from DW's criticism? Why do DILs insist on holding events? To show their supremacy, that is what I think.

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a MIL who thinks her son should prioritize her over his kids, over his wife, maybe, but not kids. Most grandmas I know, put their grand kids above their own kids. But, I am not from US, so who knows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

For someone who has no personal experience, you have very specific opinions on the subject.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

Anonymous wrote:Lol. My husband can't stand his mom

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

Anonymous wrote:Meh, not really.

From this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-mildil-competition-it_b_4461464.html

The main factor in why it’s so different between MILs and DILs is that there’s an undercurrent of competition between the two women — but it’s not what you’re probably thinking. Most of us want to believe that this competition is for the husband/son’s love. That’s not it. The competition is actually for the influence each woman has over this man in the middle.

This is an unspoken competition. Most women will feel some tension around something the other did or said, and then they will find fault with the actions displayed by the other. For example, a DIL may complain that her husband’s mother won’t let go, or a MIL might say that her son’s wife wants to keep him from the rest of his family. Making these statements or having these reactions is really how each woman tries to deal with the covert competition. These statements and/or reactions are the consequence of this undercurrent of competition, not the cause.

I think of it as a scuffle for control of the family culture. Family culture is largely established and maintained by women, so when a man marries, his wife creates the new family's culture. If that culture is at odds with the culture in the husband's family of origin, his mother (who established that family of origin culture) experiences it as a rejection and feels threatened.

Anonymous wrote:Meh, not really.

From this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-mildil-competition-it_b_4461464.html

The main factor in why it’s so different between MILs and DILs is that there’s an undercurrent of competition between the two women — but it’s not what you’re probably thinking. Most of us want to believe that this competition is for the husband/son’s love. That’s not it. The competition is actually for the influence each woman has over this man in the middle.

This is an unspoken competition. Most women will feel some tension around something the other did or said, and then they will find fault with the actions displayed by the other. For example, a DIL may complain that her husband’s mother won’t let go, or a MIL might say that her son’s wife wants to keep him from the rest of his family. Making these statements or having these reactions is really how each woman tries to deal with the covert competition. These statements and/or reactions are the consequence of this undercurrent of competition, not the cause.

I think of it as a scuffle for control of the family culture. Family culture is largely established and maintained by women, so when a man marries, his wife creates the new family's culture. If that culture is at odds with the culture in the husband's family of origin, his mother (who established that family of origin culture) experiences it as a rejection and feels threatened.