Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Please, please do not do this. For an adult, for a child, for anyone. This question is extremely offensive. If you don't know what pronoun to use, don't use one. Period.

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS 7 comes home from camp and tells me he doesn't know if XX is a boy or a girl. "Did you see XX? He sounds like a boy and acts like a boy but when we went swimming he put on a bikini so I guess he's a girl?" XX has an androgynous name. I told DS it doesn't matter if XX is a boy or a girl. Sometimes people who seem like boys are really girls and sometimes boys like to wear girl's clothing. Just play with them if you like them. DS 7: Ok, but I'm going to ask XX if he's a boy or a girl. Me: No, don't do that. DS7: Why not? Me: It's rude. DS7: But how will I know whether to call them a boy or a girl? Me: ummm....Just call them XX. DS7: (doubtfully) ok....

In preschool, there was a child who presented as a male one year and then as a female the next year. The teachers told the kids that this child is a girl now even though last year it seemed like she was a boy. My DS asked me about that too and I was able to say that he should refer to this child by the female name we were told and treat her as a girl. I was impressed at how little concern the kids had over it (the parents were a bit ruffled, but kids were fine). In that instance, I had been told what to do so it was easy.

Here, I wasn't sure whether DS should ask whether XX is boy or girl (is that like asking about which pronoun a person prefers?) or whether DS should kind of ignore the whole thing as being personal (like asking someone's race would be inappropriate?) and focus only on whether he likes playing XX or not. I also wasn't sure if I should raise the option that XX doesn't identify as boy or girl?

DCUM, educate me, please in case this comes up again.

Sorry, but that kid's parents are idiots.

Anonymous wrote:I discourage my kids from asking that question head-on, for exactly the reason a PP mentioned - it insinuates that the other child is not doing gender correctly.

I also think it is okay for my child to live with curiosity. They should learn now that they don't "NEED" to know someone else's gender identity in order to play with them, and that their own curiosity about someone else's gender, or racial background, or anything else doesn't justify rude questions.

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

It is rude, but I've heard this question more than once when people are looking at my kids. My oldest looked like a beautiful girl when he was a baby/toddler. I would dress him in all blue with a baseball hat and people were still unsure and felt the need to ask for some reason. My youngest boy has long (below the ear/almost shoulder length) curly hair. He likes it long and I think short hair accents his oval face too much. He was dressed "like a boy" when someone recently told him that they couldn't tell what he was and proceeded to ask him. DS was horrified by this.
Op, I wouldn't bring up gender identification until your is a little older and able to better grasp the complexities of the situation. I also think that your son should just use his friend's name and not worry about whether its a girl or a boy. This will likely be hard for him because we are all used to putting people into neat categories; male/female, black/white, etc. and that's what we teach our kids.

Here's how my kid would answer: I am a cisgender hazelnut-skinned girl (by sex parts and identity).

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are overthinking this. The children are 7. DS can ask awkward questions. That's what 7 year olds do.

Anonymous wrote:I disagree and say the child can ask the question. If the child isn't judging the response and just is curious, then ask. Gender is a big deal, as evidenced by people wanting to be identified correctly. Let them identify themselves how they want and our children need to learn how to accept that identification. If you tell your kids that they can't observe and then request additional information, what are you teaching them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With an adult, I would ask them what pronoun they prefer. That's a perfectly appropriate question--you should call people what they like to be called, so if you're not sure, ask them what they would like to be called.

If your son was better friends with this kid, then it would probably be okay to ask the kid about his/her gender presentation. But since he doesn't know this kid well, asking "Are you a boy or a girl" is a bit rude.

It is rude, but I've heard this question more than once when people are looking at my kids. My oldest looked like a beautiful girl when he was a baby/toddler. I would dress him in all blue with a baseball hat and people were still unsure and felt the need to ask for some reason. My youngest boy has long (below the ear/almost shoulder length) curly hair. He likes it long and I think short hair accents his oval face too much. He was dressed "like a boy" when someone recently told him that they couldn't tell what he was and proceeded to ask him. DS was horrified by this.
Op, I wouldn't bring up gender identification until your is a little older and able to better grasp the complexities of the situation. I also think that your son should just use his friend's name and not worry about whether its a girl or a boy. This will likely be hard for him because we are all used to putting people into neat categories; male/female, black/white, etc. and that's what we teach our kids.