OP, I am in a similar situation as your girlfriend. My late husband was a federal government employee with great pension and military reservists. Before he died, he very often told me that under no circumstances I should re-marry. I am in my 40s with one kid left in house. I am making a good money for myself, but my job is not stable. What you promise to your girlfriend does sound great, but not stable. She still have approximately 40 years to live. If you end up dying or divorcing in 5-10 years, it is a large risk for her to take. And for what? What would she get from the marriage that she cannot get from current relationship?

Anonymous wrote:I think you have your answer, OP. Either you continue the relationship knowing marriage is out, or you end it. I don't think you can -- or have a right to try -- to convince her to change her mind.

Many couples at your age don't combine finances even if they do marry, and marriage at this point is pretty optional.

+ 1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

Men are too much work.

And they don’t want to be a nurse/mom.

And the constant demand for sex (with viagra) gets old. Just leave me alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

Men are too much work.

And they don’t want to be a nurse/mom.

Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

Men are too much work.

Also OP please don’t assume your children would be ok with you getting married. They probably do really like her but that doesn’t Moran they love her enough to take care of her in old age? Where is their mother? I don’t know any grown children who thought a parents remarriage was such a great idea. It complicates everything. At her age, marriage has more downsides than upside. I know several women who divorced after decades and never ever wanted to remarry. They “did their time” and never want to be legally bound again. You are of touch. You really should have a heart to heart with your kids too. You might be surprised.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.

1) I would never count on my stepkids to take care of me after their father died. I am not their mother. They are not my kids. It isn't the same relationship and I've seen too many kid/step-parent battles over money after one parent died.

2) I wouldn't marry you on a bet. You are screamingly insecure. You are competing with her dead husband. You are trying to win against a dead man. You can't win that fight. No one can win that fight. You will continue to be insecure and make crazy demands trying to win a fight that is unwinnable.

She should DTMFA.

I think your girlfriend is so smart and sensible. You understand that she is not a golddigger either. She is not depending on you to provide for her or her children. Your own children should be happy about it too because your property will come to your children. Shack up, have fun, be monogamous.

OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.

Did her and get a 30 year old gf

FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.

Smart. And right. If you read these forums you will see just how messy your own family is, adding step dads/moms and their whole families into the mix? Yuck.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not selfish to want to use the money her deceased husband earned.

Especially if it is something like a military survivors benefit plan and her spouse died while on active duty.

She's incredibly intelligent, moreso than you OP! And has a better retirement plan. Fact is a pension is worth more than remarriage. If this happens to me (it very well could, unfortunately my husband's family has an extensive history of dying early from cancer) I would never remarry. You can't put a price on a pension and health benefits these days.

The financial piece of this for her really makes a lot of sense. A decent pension provides a lot of security. If she gives that up and your marriage doesn’t work out she’s SOL, or, if you die...which she’s been through once so she is probably extra cautious. Does she want to otherwise live together in a committed relationship but just doesn’t want the marriage in the legal sense? If you can’t deal with that so be it, but I think she sounds pretty savvy.