I’m here to agree to the suggestions of hiring a supportive home health aide. We were at my mother’s side during her last six months with cancer, and a nurse recommended to us through my mom’s yoga group was such a tremendous help. We are India, and so is she, so there was a cultural aptitude she immediately understood (though different religions. For us, the made no difference.) she called my parents uncle and aunty, and quickly became a part of our family. We still all keep in touch 2 years after my mom passed, though my other parent has moved back to India. Though he lives with my brother and aunt, he also has a helper, who is more of anall around aide than a nurse, who brings him tea, meals, shoes, answers the door, picks up household items from the market, gets laundry and itoning done , etc. and is just around at all times. This has been a godsend since my father has mobility issues he to a brain condition. This man has also become a trusted member of our family, and it is because of him my father can live at home, which is his wish. In our culture, there is a big resistance to elder care facilities for our parents.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not quite 50, but I’m the sole help for my Dad who is in his 80’s. I also have school age children and no other family in the area. I’m struggling to juggle all of the demands and keep my sanity. Any suggestions on how to balance it all would be appreciated. He doesn’t drive and won’t go out anywhere without me, like to doctors appointments. He lives in a retirement community but doesn’t participate in many of their activities or use the transportation they provide.

OP, I am so sorry. Just keep it in perspective that it is very temporarily situation.

The only things that helped us is that our parents in the area where they can use public transportation. They still can walk and take a bus or metro to get around. Another thing that helps that my kids are older. I am 42, but two of my teenagers are driving, so they can take either younger kid or grandparents when needed. I have demanding and not very flexible job, so can't do what you are doing. You need to teach your dad to use community transportation to get around. I would go with him on couple rides until he feels comfortable of using it himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amen to all posters. We in my family are having our own version of this movie, which is not without its comic moments. Took a number of factors to get my Mom to understand that she might have kids and grandkids, but that doesn't mean she can rely on them for rides, groceries, etc, particularly when she lives in a community that provides a lot of services she had never bothered to learn about. And when some of her favorite ride-givers either work full-time, or live in different cities, or both!

I've always found the expression "there are no victims, only volunteers" a little harsh, but there's a kernel of truth there. At some point you have to stop volunteering to be victimized by your father's increasing age and needs. Remember that:

1) Your children need you too;
2) If you weren't around, your father would find some way to get to his appointments; and
3) You need time for yourself, particularly with all that pressure on you.

Good luck with it all!

Wow I’m sorry but you’re a bitch. But i know one day you will be in the same situation as your mom and your kids will do the same to you so it will all work out!

Uh, the PP is not being a b*tch. It's important for older people to remain as independent and self sufficient as they can. It's actually good for their minds and self esteem to see that they can still figure things out and do for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:Amen to all posters. We in my family are having our own version of this movie, which is not without its comic moments. Took a number of factors to get my Mom to understand that she might have kids and grandkids, but that doesn't mean she can rely on them for rides, groceries, etc, particularly when she lives in a community that provides a lot of services she had never bothered to learn about. And when some of her favorite ride-givers either work full-time, or live in different cities, or both!

I've always found the expression "there are no victims, only volunteers" a little harsh, but there's a kernel of truth there. At some point you have to stop volunteering to be victimized by your father's increasing age and needs. Remember that:

1) Your children need you too;
2) If you weren't around, your father would find some way to get to his appointments; and
3) You need time for yourself, particularly with all that pressure on you.

Good luck with it all!

Wow I’m sorry but you’re a bitch. But i know one day you will be in the same situation as your mom and your kids will do the same to you so it will all work out!

I am in this too. It's a lot. It's a whole lot. Hang in there.

We must outsource tasks that don't necessarily need THE DAUGHTER (i.e. laundry, grocery shopping, rides), and fully, lovingly embrace the "tasks" that can be fulfilled ONLY by the daughter (time with family, laughing at dinner, recalling good times while looking through photo's).



At least that is what I am striving for. My kids are 10 and 12, so they are also helping.....and saying "good job Mom" when they see me doing something for my Dad...this way they don't feel ripped off that I am not with them enough, but rather proud to see their Mom stepping up and doing the right thing.

OP this was my life too.

What worked for me was to find a couple assistants in the community who were available to take my dad to his appointments, and then have them accompany me when I took him somewhere, first. That way my dad got to know them better and got to know what kind of help he needed, and they were no longer strangers to him.

I told dad we needed to set things up this way "in case something happened to me!" and to leave me with more flexibility for those appointments where he really did need me there. He didn't need me for routine blood draws, for example.

You or your parents could outlive their money and become financially dependent on children, which I would like to avoid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Assisting your Dad is modeling loving behavior to your children." It's actually giving your kids a bad role model for aging, so they see the elderly as childlike, petulant and unable to do anything for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California has shown that the boomers are actually the first group that did this caregiving en masse. Before that the boomer parents and grandparents actually did not support the elderly very much, even for living relatives. They would move and let the elders fend for themselves and the parents were okay with that.

I agree with Emanuel Ezekiel, we are living too long. I don't have kids to dump on so I have to be proactive. No cancer screening, medical aid in dying for anything that qualifies and "business class to Zurich" for early Alzheimer's. I believe in quality not quality of life and let younger people live a normal life.

So from one study you have managed to convince yourself that helping others is not modeling loving behavior? Do you even have kids? If so maybe you shouldn't have.

I think you mean Ezekiel "Zeke" Emanuel, a physician who was a health policy adviser in the Obama administration and was chief of the Department of Bioethics at the Clinical Center of the U.S. National Institutes of Health. (He's also the brother of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Bill Clinton's former chief-of-staff.)

Here's his 2014 article in the Atlantic, in which he argues that quality of life often declines significantly after about age 75 as health problems become more likely, and that folks should reconsider the mindset that says one should do everthing one can to extend one's life as quality of life worsens.

Why I Hope to Die at 75
An argument that society and families—and you—will be better off if nature takes its course swiftly and promptly
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/10/why-i-hope-to-die-at-75/379329/

Good grief. I have known plenty of 80+ year old people who have had perfectly good quality of life in their advanced years. I don't trust a person who takes such a one size fits all approach to aging. It shows a complete lack of respect towards the elderly and human life in general which is a terrible shame.

DH and I have been dealing with aging, sick and dying parents for more than 15 years now. It is always something - we care for my 85 year old MIL locally and help with my mom who lives 2 hours away in a home. Between the 2 mothers there is never enough time for all of the "stuff" they would like us to to do for them (rides to store, Dr.s, etc.). My mother compares how many visits she gets from her family versus her friends with local children. There is so much guilt, so much exhaustion. For their ages they are in good shape mentally and we try to make the most of our time with them and encourage them to use transportation supplied by their communities when they can (but they don't like to). We are thankful that they are not bedridden or in and out of hospitals - so there is a bright side I suppose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Assisting your Dad is modeling loving behavior to your children." It's actually giving your kids a bad role model for aging, so they see the elderly as childlike, petulant and unable to do anything for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations from California has shown that the boomers are actually the first group that did this caregiving en masse. Before that the boomer parents and grandparents actually did not support the elderly very much, even for living relatives. They would move and let the elders fend for themselves and the parents were okay with that.

I agree with Emanuel Ezekiel, we are living too long. I don't have kids to dump on so I have to be proactive. No cancer screening, medical aid in dying for anything that qualifies and "business class to Zurich" for early Alzheimer's. I believe in quality not quality of life and let younger people live a normal life.

So from one study you have managed to convince yourself that helping others is not modeling loving behavior? Do you even have kids? If so maybe you shouldn't have.

I think you mean Ezekiel "Zeke" Emanuel, a physician who was a health policy adviser in the Obama administration and was chief of the Department of Bioethics at the Clinical Center of the U.S. National Institutes of Health. (He's also the brother of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Bill Clinton's former chief-of-staff.)

Here's his 2014 article in the Atlantic, in which he argues that quality of life often declines significantly after about age 75 as health problems become more likely, and that folks should reconsider the mindset that says one should do everthing one can to extend one's life as quality of life worsens.

Why I Hope to Die at 75
An argument that society and families—and you—will be better off if nature takes its course swiftly and promptly
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/10/why-i-hope-to-die-at-75/379329/